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First off, just so ya know, it's Blitzen not Blixon
You should know that in France, we don't have Santa's reindeers tradition much. We have Santa, his reindeers and that's all. No names for them. I called him Blixon cos I found that name on the Internet. Guess my source wasn't reliable. My fault. I should have been more careful.
As you did notice, this story is a kinda remake of my first story. I tried to find a reason to Blitzen (I got it right now) to be lost with his right and left. Somethin that was missing in the first story.
Anyway. Thanks for your reading and your comments.
Hi mon ami, I'm right here to say you wrote a lovely tale. It was for me like being hearing an old lady near by a hearth telling the adventures of Blitzen- Blixon to me and the other children. I'm sorry didn't read it at xmas time.
Cute story and you did quite well with the english, you should be proud of your accomplishment. I really liked some of your descriptions. And I loved the steam heart, so cute.
I had one issue with the story itself. I did not like that Blitzen felt no strong emotion that his reindeer love was just a hunting trophy. I think rather than just feeling like an idiot for loving a trophy he should have shown more grief. Perhaps done something naughty to the hunter in revenge. But that is just my opinion.
One other issue I had with the script was that your characters needed more development. I think this was mostly because of the dialogue -- which was clumsy in places. I can tell this is due to language challenges and I tried my best to help you overcome this hurdle in my page by page comments below.
pg 2 SANTA CLAUS IS COMING BACK TO TOWN (Why is this here?) BLIXON = Blitzen Clouds now hide the moon. (We know it's now, you don't have to tell us) I donít think you know whatís the (I don't think you know the) Blixon keeps staying silent. (Bitzen stays silent) Weíre getting late. (is passive, We're late is active) pg 3 to give = giving Iíll be there at dawn (back at dawn would be better) I wonít know the difference (I don't know the difference) but I can make (can't make?) (can't do would be better) And I still canít remember whereís this darn right. (clumsy) (no suggestion) pg 4 However, that a nice collar youíve got.(clumsy) (give the bunny some character. You look sad. How can you be so sad when you've got such a nice collar? Thatís it. (That way) is lighten (lightens) rabbitt (rabbit) Iíd like to have a collar like this-- with a bell. (clumsy) I like to have a collar like his -- one with a bright shiny bell. He keeps on leaping in the snow and gets away. (He leaps away through the snow). Letís wish upon my lucky star. (clumsy) (no suggestion) The more he keeps advancing, darker the forest is. (The more he advances the darker the forest becomes) pg 5 Suddenly, he stops (pet peeve, I don't like suddenly -- He stops is sufficient) It was about time.(Why is this here?) The HUNTER appears around a bush. He wears an animal skin jacket and has a rifle on his shoulder. Lying in wait and frowning, he has a big beard. A HUNTER lies in wait behind a nearby bush, his rifle aimed. He wears an animal skin jacket and has a big beard. Blixon doesnít make a single move, but starts shivering. (Blitzen tries to lie still, but he starts shivering.) The hunter turns his head to him.(The JINGLE catches the hunters attention) HE SEES HIM (Why is this here?) Blixon gets up in a jump and starts to flee back. (Blixon jumps up and flees) pg 6 The city is different the way I know it from the sky. (clumsy) (From the sky the city looks so different) Suddenly, a HONK (Suddenly - grrrr!) He has just the time to throw himself on the side, (He has just enough time to throw himself aside) pg 7 Blixon is among the other reindeers and looks like knowing his right and his left. Blitzen is among the other reindeer and seem to know his right from his left. (reindeer not reindeers is the plural of reindeer) beautiful reindeer femaleís head. (beautiful female reindeer's head) Blixon commingles his hooves (I do not think comingles is the correct english word for your meaning) I have to tell her my (I have to tell her of my) pg 8 window and blows on the frost glass. He peeps inside. (If he blows on the glass it is going to fog, he won't be able to see inside)
Mon ami Helio, thanks for your comments. I perfectly figure you out as the old lady giving candies to kids--- and eating them right after... (LOL)
mcornetto thank you for your feedback. I know I still have improvement to make in English and I try each time to do better than the time before.
I agree with you about Blitzen's little emotion when he sees the trophy, but I tried to finish this script before Xmas and I did miss a lot of detail. About doing something naughty to the hunter (that's a good idea I didn't have) I think Blitzen wouldn't do it. He's too pure and naive. Thanks again anyway.