Wondrous Presentation by Alex Cooper - Short - Break a man's heart and you could get thrown out a building. 14 pages - pdf, format

Ape,

Overall this is another good story. The title really sucks, you should definitely give that a rethink and resubmit when you've come up with something better.

There isn't much to say about the plot, because there simply isn't any, which I suppose is what you were going for. The meat of the script is the fights that Brett and June engage in over the course of the script. The first fight was very well-written, but I felt it kind of held back a little, which is actually the smartest thing you could've done, because you want to save the big stuff for the finale.

And save you did. When Brett finds June in Leon's bed and they start fighting, the script is very gripping. The dialog is intense and extremely personal. And when June starts attacking Brett, the tone suddenly shifts. After that the whole thing has an icky, uncomfortable kind of feel to it. The dialog is probably the best you've ever written. I was kind of surprised when it wasn't another strange, weird comedy like Marshmellows. This scene kind of reminded me of Closer, in the scene where Clive Owen is attacking Julia Roberts about her affairs.

However, this is where the positives end. After he throws June off of the balcony, it would've been a perfect ending. I think you take it too far when Brett also kills Leon. It felt like Brett killed June out of his passion, in the heat of the moment. The murder of Leon turns Brett into a malicious killer. If it had just been June, then there would be nothing to gripe about. I just think the story is completely of Brett and June, and after June is gone there shouldn't be any more. But, as it is, you took it a step further, too far in my humble little opinion.

Still, the intensity of the script remains. Your characters are clearly defined and we know what they're all about from the get-go. And the dialog is fantastic, especially in that final scene, like I said. So, overall, it's an extremely good effort. Well done.


Cheers, Chismeister.

Alex,

Your title page is very wrong. Get it fixed.

I'm not gonna bother you much with format and such 'cause I'm just too damn tired to point them out.

Although it's "hon" not "hun"... My first girlfriend used to call me "hunny"... That brought back some good memories

Hey, now this is an interesting scene  here... I always wondered how a situation like this would play out. Someone got a commitment they can't get out of and then your friend's mom dies and they need you but if you don't get to where you're supposed to be then you'll get fired. I like this!

I'm on page 11. I must say, you've created a really messed up situation here and I'm impressed. I like the style and tone you're creating.

Although, you did make June a bit unrealisticly mean

This may be just because I've spent the entire night reading and writing Sin City shorts into scripts but this reads like a Sin City story. Although the dialouge doens't, the situation does! Good enough short all in all.

I agree with Chismeister though, the titles's no good.

Thanks Chism and Daniel for the read!

I understand that formatting is an important bit of screenplays, but are title pages? It shows most of the necessary information. What else should I include?

June is as cold as ice. All i can say.

Quoted from chism Overall this is another good story. The title really sucks, you should definitely give that a rethink and resubmit when you've come up with something better.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock I agree with Chismeister though, the titles's no good.

Titles are very important, I should've given it more thought.

Quoted from chism However, this is where the positives end. After he throws June off of the balcony, it would've been a perfect ending. I think you take it too far when Brett also kills Leon. It felt like Brett killed June out of his passion, in the heat of the moment. The murder of Leon turns Brett into a malicious killer. If it had just been June, then there would be nothing to gripe about. I just think the story is completely of Brett and June, and after June is gone there shouldn't be any more. But, as it is, you took it a step further, too far in my humble little opinion.

Chism that's not a humble little opinion. You go on about it for a whole paragraph. That's a nagging opinion.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock This may be just because I've spent the entire night reading and writing Sin City shorts into scripts but this reads like a Sin City story. Although the dialouge doens't, the situation does! Good enough short all in all.

Haha, that's a really good point, Daniel. If you just tweaked the dialog to make it more comic book-esque then this would make an awesome opening or closing to a Sin City story. I'm sure that's not what you were going for, but it's interesting to contemplate.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper Chism that's not a humble little opinion. You go on about it for a whole paragraph. That's a nagging opinion.

Hey, you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon. As I say. Well, I used to before it got old and annoying and everyone told me to stop.


Cheers, Chismeister.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper I understand that formatting is an important bit of screenplays, but are title pages? It shows most of the necessary information. What else should I include?

The first thing that a reader should see when they look at your script is the Title Page. A Title Page is nothing special! More specifically, don't make your Title Page special in any way. Don't use graphics. Don't use colored paper. Don't put a photo of your dog or cat on the Title Page. Just put the bare necessities on there in plain old 12 point Courier.

In the center of the page:
The script's title
Your name

In the lower right corner:
Your address or your agent's/manager's contact information

In the lower left corner:
If you've registered your script with the Writers Guild, it's okay to add a line that says "Registered, WGA"
You might also add a copyright notification like "© 1998, Me"

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock The first thing that a reader should see when they look at your script is the Title Page. A Title Page is nothing special! More specifically, don't make your Title Page special in any way. Don't use graphics. Don't use colored paper. Don't put a photo of your dog or cat on the Title Page. Just put the bare necessities on there in plain old 12 point Courier. In the center of the page: The script's title Your name In the lower right corner: Your address or your agent's/manager's contact information In the lower left corner: If you've registered your script with the Writers Guild, it's okay to add a line that says "Registered, WGA" You might also add a copyright notification like "© 1998, Me"

Well, since I haven't registered or copyrighted my script everything seems to be in order? Got title, name and email address in appropriate places and its all 12 pt Courier. Apart from the spacing being a bit off what's so bad about it?

Good job.

I think you need to do a bit of tightening, some twiddling of the dialogue, but your story and characters work.  Your title page didn't bother me but your title did - I thought you could have come up with a better title.

Following is page by page comments.

Pg 2 here = her
Pg 3 don’t call Brett by name so often. People don’t do that.
Pg 6 Ext house scene not necessary.
Pg 7 applaud = applause
Pg 8 half arsed = half-arsed
That is unless you (I think you mean) That is if you
Pg 9 extortion not blackmail
Pg 12 YELLS? Does he say something or is he just primal screaming?
Line?  I don’t think this a good reaction. I think she should yell back – louder. He could then ask her why she is yelling. To which she can reply what am I supposed to say to this insanity.  
Pg 13. The dialogue in this section in general does not ring true.
That’s it you have to go. Kill this line you don’t need it.
Why is Leons face bloody?  Did I miss something?
Pg 14. I think the line All right. your turn Should be before Leon whimpers.
The last line was good.

Your format is good and although there are a few spelling errors, I won't point them out cos mcornetto has already pointed them out.

I also agree with him about June using Brett's name too often.  It's not natural.

I got a little confused because I thought June was looking for her keys, then she finds a piece of paper (I was a little slow there lol).  Maybe she should grab her keys on her way out?

'...fills two glasses with champagne.'  I'd drop champagne here cos you've already mentioned what's in the bottle.

'Leon throws her down on the lounge'?  I don't think this is right, should it be lounger or sofa?

When June says 'line'.  I don't get that?

It should be 'bullseye' and not 'bulls eye'.

I think Leon would struggle more and not just give up on his life, even if he has been battered about.  I just can't imagine Brett picking up a man and with no fuss, throwing him off a balcony.

Overall though I liked this short.  It read nice and quick.  It's the Leon thing that bothers me, like I said, he comes off as a nasty git and then his ending is too easy.

Good job.

Thanks for reading mcornetto and alffy!

Quoted from mcornetto Pg 12 YELLS? Does he say something or is he just primal screaming?

Yeah it's basicly a primal scream. June screaming back didn't seem right to me, but now that i really look at it, neither did "line."

Quoted from mcornetto Why is Leons face bloody?  Did I miss something?

Lets just assume Brett beat him up before hand.

Quoted from alffy I got a little confused because I thought June was looking for her keys, then she finds a piece of paper (I was a little slow there lol).  Maybe she should grab her keys on her way out?

Here's another moment to where we can leave it to your imagination. I'm guessing she was in such a hurry she left them in her car.

Quoted from alffy 'Leon throws her down on the lounge'?  I don't think this is right, should it be lounger or sofa?

I think this is just a case of "Australian Slang". We call em lounges over here. I've gotten to the point of saying lounge so much the word doesn't sound right.

Quoted from alffy It should be 'bullseye' and not 'bulls eye'.

I tried bullseye in MS Word but it kept saying it was incorrect.

hi Alex, just finished giving this a read.



SPOILERS****************************************



This was a pretty cool story, but I think there are few things you could do to make it a bit better.

On page 4 Brett says "the ambulance couldn't resuscitate her"  I didn't know ambulances could do that....LOL, I would say "the paramedics couldn't resuscitate her".

The last few pages felt a bit rushed, once they got to Leon's apartment.  Maybe have Leon be a bit forceful with June, maybe a bit more physical and threatening, maybe smack her around a bit, give people the idea that Bret may come to help her.

I think when June wakes up Leon should already be dead, June should be the last to go.

On page 12 you write "Brett YELLS at June.  He YELLS again until veins poke out of his neck.

I think you should write what he is yelling.

I think maybe a fight between Brett and June would work as well before he tosses her over the edge.

All in all this was pretty good, I just think you need to add a bit more to these situations and create a little more tension.

Good work

Cheers Jordan.

Quoted from The boy who could fly On page 4 Brett says "the ambulance couldn't resuscitate her"  I didn't know ambulances could do that....LOL, I would say "the paramedics couldn't resuscitate her".

LOL, good point.

Quoted from The boy who could fly The last few pages felt a bit rushed, once they got to Leon's apartment.  Maybe have Leon be a bit forceful with June, maybe a bit more physical and threatening, maybe smack her around a bit, give people the idea that Bret may come to help her. I think when June wakes up Leon should already be dead, June should be the last to go.

I'm gonna rewrite this, extend it a little and think up a new title.

Quoted from The boy who could fly On page 12 you write "Brett YELLS at June.  He YELLS again until veins poke out of his neck. I think you should write what he is yelling.

He doesn't say anything, he just yells.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper Well, since I haven't registered or copyrighted my script everything seems to be in order? Got title, name and email address in appropriate places and its all 12 pt Courier. Apart from the spacing being a bit off what's so bad about it?

The title is too low on the page and the distance between the title and your name is too big. Also W in WRITTEN isn't supposed to be uppercase. But this is your descision.

Yeah i noticed the spacing problem. I got enter happy.

*SPOILERS*

This was nice to read. I liked the way you portrayed the argumentation between June and Brett. This was enjoyable. Especially when their argument shifts from him not wanting her to go to him telling her to go. That was a little comical.

The biggest problem I have with the script is the ending. I don't think June would be sarcastic at that specific time. That seems a little odd. And the throwing of her off the balcony was to easy. She didnt even fight. This is a cheap way out. You could have written a better ending. There are many other possibilities to choose from. Just a thought.  

"The ambulance couldn't resuscitate her" - well it's not the ambulance's fault, it has no hands. You should really re-write that part. The doctors would work.

I liked reading it, until I got to the end. It was to easy. Be creative and do something else with the end. Maybe she wakes up and realizes what happens. I think killing everyone is just to cliche.

Andrew