Bombastic Party on the Sea, A by Helio J Cordeiro and Pat Fitzgerald - Short, Thriller - We have to reverse the orders most of time to understand the things. 4 pages - pdf, format

SPOILERS Keep out if you haven't read the script.
I thought this was an interesting piece but I thought it didn't have the impact it could have. There wasn't enough build-up to feel any particular way about the events that were taking place.

Sure the begining was interesting but I would have perhaps changed it. Maybe it should be New Years eve, I would start immediately in reverse, the passengers  shouting 1 2 3 4 5 (a reverse order countdown). Then tie into the end where they could shout 5 4 3 2 1 along with the timer.

Also I would end the reverse much later. Take it in reverse to the point where the man is not allowed on board. This would give extra impact to this person because at that point there would be a change of direction, things would go forward again.  We would know he is going to change things.

It was a good concept but I don't think you explored it to its fullest.

!!SPOILERS!!

I really like the 'rewind' part in the beginning. You managed with few words to create a very visual scene. Kudos.

Regarding the story...hmm, I think this quote by Danny DeVito in the movie 'Throw Momma From The Train' says it all:

'A guy with a hat kills another guy with hat".

Motive. Motive. Motive. This story needs one badly. It reads like the end scene from a longer script. It leaves you confused - and wanting to know more. Why did he do that? Who were the people on the boat? What had they done to piss him off like that?

If you expand the story a bit - maybe throw in a little dialog - I would love to read it because you've got an interesting writing style.


Regards
Rob

This was a little better than your last one, Helio. There's definitely something going on here. Guy tries to get on boat. Guy doesn't get on boat. Guy blows up boat. A nice simple scenario for a silent short. Yet somehow, the ending feels anti-climactic. I mean, you don't even get to see the boat explode.

Again, I think you need more here. I think a meatier storyline might make the ending a little more satisfying. And is it too much to ask to see the ship blow up? I don't think so.

So yeah, a good start but needs work.

I have to agree with the comments here, it needs more.  Why did the man want to blow up the boat?  If we knew this, maybe the story would have more of an impact.

Quoted from James McClung So yeah, a good start but needs work.

I agree with this too.

I'm not sure how I feel about this one. Something about it is unsettling. Perhaps it's that we don't see the boat blow up, or maybe I don't know who these people are or why the guy does what he does.

What I really like about this scrupt though is the reverse order shots you included. It's a rather interesting concept, and done well. If you look at this as an excersize of writing reverse order images, than you succeeded. If you wanted it to be more than that, I'd say it needs some work.

IkE

Hey guys thanks a lot for the reviews!

Who realy did  like this? If someone wants to be my partner on it feel free to change it and I'll guarantee a & between our names!

Well... You know... I dunno, Helio... It's a quite pointless story you got here...

Not even the characters were introduced with upper case letters.

But I did however really enjoy the reverse effect you did. That was a good element!

I enjoyed the writing style for this one, but I'd say the story definately needs a bit more.  

On top of the questions of motive and who the people were, why is the man so scruffy looking and why does he want to get on the boat anyway.

My suggestion is that a story of revenge is always a good reason to blow up a boat of people.  If you do elaborate more on this story, I would use the reverse sequence of events again.

Personally, I would be willing to work on this story, but I'm going away next week and I don't know if I will be able to.

Pat

Hey Pat, don't hurry, dude,  I'll be here for long, lon time waiting for you!  Thanks in advance!

Hey, Pat you made it better, dude! You gave to the character its motivation he needed do make the story more understandble. Now you have to sign it and send to Don in order to replace the old one! I hope everybody likes this new version!

Thanks!

Hey everyone, the new version of this script is up.  It's in the same style as the original version, only I added a little more storyline.  Hope you like it.

-Pat