Dead in a Box by Daniel Kreiner (EBurke73)  (OWC name - Zi Ongola)  - Short, Thriller - A fiery death or a watery grave: an escape artist’s survival hinges upon whether he can determine if his wife still loves him.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - doc, format

The dialogue between Roz and Scott was a little too on the nose in the beginning, but with only 15 pages to work with, it's understandable.

I liked the Scott character.  He was funny.  "You miss one anniversary." lol.

simple mistakes like "ringed" instead of "rigged" as well as other examples suggest not much editing(and that really took away from the reading process, because it was entertaining).

Scott's funny lines got a little tiring to me as his situation got more serious.

Scott talks to himself alot, explaining the situation to the reader.  But once again, 15 pages.

Decent use of flashbacks.

I liked the Scott character for the most part, decent story, but I think this could have been better.

The title is cool though.

page 3. Scott - dialogue should read, "this'll BE great for the camera."

page 12. Scott - He's speaking to the audience, but he should be scared.  If there were a purpose to his soliloquies, the side jokes may work to greater effect.  I thought, since he's a peformer, he should have a cell phone with a camera.  That way, he can speak into it to record the proceedings in case he survives.  Then he can make his jokes, since, in a sense, he's auditioning his potential murder as a pilot.  Otherwise, the jokes seem a little too unlikely.  Plus, the whole explanation at the end about Kaufman and Titania, I presume to be their daughter, comes out of nowhere (at least it did to me).  

The exceptionally long passages of exposition at the beginning of the script didn't seem to play much into the story, as did the description of Scott's usually calm demeanor.  

I sort of hoped you could have established the character's backstories without the use of a flashback, but you tied the conversations between the couple when they first meet and when they meet again at the shore with wit.

Also, even though killing one's husband for a life insurance policy isn't novel (I know she didn't want to kill him), using a stuntman was a nice twist.  I liked the suspense you created, though again, I would have liked it a bit more if he had less jolly/funny lines, and more bitter/funny lines, so that when he escapes, he absolutely hates his wife and regrets marrying a "circus freak" or just "freak."  And then when she tells him she loves him and wouldn't actually try and kill him, he feels bad about what he said on his cell phone camera, which would create a dilemma about pursuing this audition tape with a company down the line.

But I realize I have to stop critiquing this as though I wrote it, because I didn't, and I'm not sure if I could have.  I don't know much about rigging explosions or boats for that matter.  While writing my script, I double checked on a few boat terms.

There was suspense for most of the script and I was curious as to how it would end.  Which is why I felt the explanation of Kaufman and his death felt rushed.

I guess I'd rate the script a 6/10, but a six here doesn't mean a failure, but, rather, a point above average.  If you had done some extra editing, which I felt the script needed, I'd have rated it higher.

As far as the good is concerned, I liked Scott's one liners for the most part, even though I thought they were misused in this setting.  

This script did a decent job of holding my attention -- and, luckily, I felt as though I WASN'T cheated by the way Scott got out of the box.  Additionally, it was a nice twist because it had to do with valuing what his wife said.  Which is sweet.  Unfortunately, I very much disliked Roz by the end of script and felt like you were reaching for some sort of sympathy for her with the "Kaufman tried to kill me" aside, but it didn't work for me.  I know the tone of this script is a sort of whimsy, but c'mon, they've got a child together!  What kind of mother would put her child's father in such danger?  Of course, your whole script is riding on this idea, and something isn't sitting right with it...  Also, the speech Roz gives Scott about why she'll marry him (during the flashback on pg. 15) also felt out of character for her.  However, I liked that she was taller than him and on steroids though -- bizarre, funny stuff.  

"Wet dream" line.  Best line in the whole darn thing.  Super-clever.    

I noticed some typos and a few sentences are missing words.  Not a huge distraction, but it made me stop reading for second.          

Also, I disliked how Scott narrated his dilemma on pg.12 -- it felt forced.  

Overall, it was a fun story and Scott's character has some good lines, but some clunkiness/too much prose-like description, and some problems with Roz, were setbacks for me.  

Well, I’m big into magic so a story about an escape artist is going to catch my attention.

I’m not sure why your descriptive paragraphs are italicized. But they shouldn’t be.

I read this in WordPad so I’m not entirely certain but it appears some of your descriptive paragraphs are too long. If they go past 4 lines, you need to look at ways to economize or break them up.

You write exposition into Scott’s personality that can’t be filmed. Viewers will have no way of knowing Scott usually has a calm manner unless they’re shown.

She crushes the pot in her hands? Did I miss something or does Roz have superhuman strength? I know she’s a weight lifter but wow.

If there’s no opening in the boat, how did Scott get inside the boat in the first place?

I felt that Scott’s one liners detracted from the story a little. I felt his situation was too serious to take so lightly.

****SPOILERS****

It seemed a bit much at the end to hit us with what was really going on in one block of dialogue. It was like we had the whole script without having the whole story - which is fine - but then at the very last, it was like, oh yeah, here’s the solution to the mystery of why he was in his predicament. Honestly, I would have rather known what was going on with Roz earlier on. There was potential for a great deal of drama missed by withholding that information. You could have used that and I think it would have been fine for the reader to know even if Scott didn’t. I mean, this Kaufman guy was the villain and we never even met him.

It was an interesting story and the actual storytelling with Scott on the boat was pretty good.


Breanne

Not bad.  The storytelling was pretty good, and you did well at building suspense.

It had a few problems with formatting though.   The action blocks were much too large and they should not be in italics.

Be careful of telling and not showing.  Here is an example of when you told us something but didn't show it.

               Time is running low.  

I thought the bit at the ending, between him and Roz, should have happened earlier.

I also think some of the dialogue should be trimmed.  I especially didn't like all the converstations he had with himself.

Premise:  Really good I thought. Quite an inventive use of the space. 8/10

Relation to Theme: Excellent use of the boat and a thriller to boot. Well done 8/10

Story: The story was enjoyable but certain things let it down. The dialogue was a bit weak in parts. Having Scott talk to himself all the time really started to grate on my nerves.

I found the flashbacks expositional and thought they should have ben dispensed with.

The knowledge we receive in the end should have been used as a tool to build suspense, gain character sympathy and generally add to the tension.

Because of these flaws in the story telling :  6/10.

One of the most filmic of the entries I have read so far. Good job. With a bit of work it could be turned into a really nice piece of work. It reminds me a bit of an old Gothic short called The Iron Shroud, which you should read.

The story was good but there are some issues with formating especially dialogue and, why use the italics?

You have to define your character traits a bit better.

In your intro of Scott, you portray the following:

He’s in good shape, normally, with an easy grin and a calm manner.  Again, usually.

Most of that is irrelevant and cannot be seen by the viewer.

A few mistakes in the dialogue, some words missing.
Also, state when you end a Flashback.

These are all minor spoilers and get be ridden of in your next draft.

Good effort. It was a thriller and the use of the boat was great.
Well done.

I liked this short, but I thought most of Scott's dialogue on the boat was unnecessary. Like his line explaining how the dingy is wired up to the detonator, or something along those lines. It's just not needed and lines like that really slowed up the pacing for me.

But other than that, I thought this was good. I liked Scott and his relationship with his wife. I also liked that you had a happy ending, unlike most of the others, which go for a more thriller-esque ending where it's all ambiguous or else dark and rather depressing. So good job on most fronts.


Matt.

I thought the story, overall, was a very good one:  an escape artist must perform his greatest trick yet or die at the hands of his wife.  Good!  Unfortunately, I found a couple of problems with it which really hurt the story.

For starters, your descriptions are way too long and artsy.  Take your opening line:

Quoted Text A true rustbucket of a boat sits by a quiet riverbed, somehow remaining afloat by the grace of a nautical gods.

If you were writing a novel, I'd applaud you for this description.  For a screenplay, however, it was too flowery.  Your descriptions have to be brief and to the point.  Tell us only what the camera can record and only what the moviegoer will see and hear from the screen.  

Later on, on page one, you wrote:

Quoted Text He's in good shape, normally, with an easy grin and a calm manner.

How does the camera record what he is normally like?  If you want to show that he has an easy grin, write that he constantly grins.  If his character was a recovering alcoholic, you don't say that in the description; you show him at an AA meeting, or show him refusing a drink and explaining why.

Your dialog was very on-the-nose.  Scott explained to us that the metal box was very thick and hard to cut through.  People don't normally talk in such an informative fashion, unless they're lecturing behind a podium.  You don't have to tell us everything right away.  Leave something for later.

Scott's attitude, while trying to figure out his escape was a little cliche and a little unrealistic.  I know that people crack little jokes when they're nervous, but he was acting like he was behind a microphone.  Sometimes, a simple comment will work a lot better than a joke.

Roz crushes a pot?  How strong is she?  Or is the pot made of paper mache?

When I read that the bomb would explode once the dinghy hit it, I immediately thought:  'Use the mini torch to sink the dingy...  At the very least, it'll buy some time... What the hell is that smell?  Is Janet cooking again?'  The last thought is unrelated to your script.  Please disregard it.

The entire here's-why-I-did-it at the end made no sense to me  You explained everything in one sentence and we're supposed to let it go?  It was like something you added at the last minute.

As I said earlier, the story was a good one.  And you incorporated the boat into it very nicely.  Improving on the rest is simply a matter of reading other scripts and listening closely to how people really talk.

Hope this helps.


Phil

I liked some of the comedy in this.  The beginning I thought was far too wordy.

The italics don't belong in the script and the long blocks need to broken up and cut down.

The concept is good, and some of it sparks a lot of interest, but other parts bring it down.

For instance, I didn't understand the bit about the little girl thinking he was the milkman.

Also, I really didn't like the part saying Roz crushes a pot.  That's just too much.  Truthfully, I went back to see if there was some kind of misprint or something else I missed, so that bothered me.

I think that the tone of the piece wasn't set up enough at the beginning.  The humor doesn't show up until later and so it may throw some people off.

This is definitely a good draft though.  It just needs work.

Good effort.

Sandra

Liked the visual description of Roz; can picture a Chyna or Xena there.
Formatting was awkward and hard to read.
Exposition flashbacks to the kitchen/circus breaks the building tension of the scene.
Too much monologing by Scott in the boat.
No idea what plotz or luddites are. Sent me to my dictionary, though.
Good use of the boat and fits nicely in the thriller genre.
Didn't like the ending. Kaufmann isn't established enough as a villain to get himself whacked.
More likely he'd be celebrating Scott's best stunt ever.

A good script.  I actually laughed out loud at a few lines - and although it could be argued that the descriptions are too long in spots, I enjoyed the way the author has a way with words.  It's lyrical, and catchy, too...

My few criticisms: the dialogue is--as others may have mentioned ---too "on the nose" at times.  You need to be a little more casual, and a little less "tell the audience exactly what's going on" for it to come off natural.

As for the ending.  I enjoyed it, and honestly didn't see it coming.  It worked, although the very end explanation was too abrupt, and left me somewhat puzzled.  What *exactly* was the "bad guy's" motivation?  It seemed unclear...a too quick ending to an otherwise good read.