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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Twilight's Last Gleam Moderators: bert
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  Author    Twilight's Last Gleam  (currently 2388 views)
ABennettWriter
Posted: January 3rd, 2008, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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Why are you focusing so much on the books? It's bothering me that the text (titles, flyers, etc) isn't capitalized, but whatever.

It's better to use dashes instead of commas in sluglines. And "driving" is more of an action and not so much a shot.

"Stan peers into the night sky, it's as black as tar." That's a run on. It should be Period and then "It's...".

I think he talks too much. I might like it better if it's V. O. Most people don't talk outloud to themselves...

Dialogue shouldn't ever be separated, as it is on page 9 with the Doc.

I think it's much better. More to the point instead of the flowery prose stuff. I really liked it.

Good job.
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mwc
Posted: January 3rd, 2008, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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As it turns out as I was looking over the 01/02/08 draft today, I ended up make a few changes and corrects and then a few more until I'd changed enough to post it as a new version.

This version trims back the page count that yesterday's draft added. It also (I hope) helps to farther clear up what the protag's fear really is.

http://www.claunch.org/TLG/pdf/Twilights_Last_Gleam_D4.pdf

There's no need for anyone to download the 01/02/08 draft. Download this one if you are interested.

I'd be very interested in hearing any comment's anyone might have on the script as a whole or the changes is you've read the earlier draft.

Thanks
MWC

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dkw208
Posted: January 3rd, 2008, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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please read my script: http://www.simplyscripts.ne

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hey mwc,

i read the draft last week so don't remember everything, but i just read the new draft.  i glanced at the logline before i initially read it, but forgot it when i read it.  i still don't know why he's afraid of the dark, and that's important info. for a viewer.  i know it's backstory, but motivation is always an essential part of character, especially when phobias and fear is involved (ex. 'good will hunting' -matt damon was like that as an adult because we learn he had a troubled childhood, from foster home to foster home, and was abused as a child.  'the aviator' - howard hughes (leo) was OCD and afraid of germs because we see when he's younger his mother raised him like that.  'truman show' - truman was afraid of the water because his dad drowned when he was younger).  look at it like this:  let's say you're watching a movie and character A says "i hate John so much".  and then someone asks him "why do you hate John?" and A says "just because", as a viewer, we won't accept that really.  but if we see a flashback of of John beating the crap out of character A, then we would undesrtand why A hates John so much, and we would believe it.  and lastly, if he is afraid of the dark, why is he driving a long distance at night on a remote highway (even if it is supposed to be full moon)?  i'm not afraid of the dark, and even i wouldn't do that.  again, there needs to be a motivation for that or a reason that the viewer will understand why he's doing that (and maybe it's because it's the next day, and there are no flights, and this was the fastest way, but as a viewer, i don't know why).  you need to flesh this out more, because at 9 pages, it feels rushed


please read:
canyon lake-21 pages - american gem quarterfinalist (contest ongoing):
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1200534890/



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mwc
Posted: January 5th, 2008, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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dkw208
Do you really think that a 6 minute short needs to include a backstory? Do you really feel that the audience needs to know more?

All of the examples you sited were radically longer then this story.  Do you think people would really gain anything by adding another scene? Or would it take away from the tension?

This story is very simple and I'm afraid stretching would just dilute the impact.
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Galin
Posted: December 7th, 2019, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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The link no longer works.  It's been a long time but if you're still working on this, it would be great to read the new version.
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LC
Posted: December 7th, 2019, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Well, the original link works, just not the updated links posted...

This script is twelve years old, Galin.
Feel free obviously to comment/review whatever scripts you like but be aware you might not/probably won't get any interaction after all this time.

Or, you might entice someone out of the woodwork.

P.S. Galin, PM'd you some SS Newb links FYI, and welcome to the site.



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LC  -  December 7th, 2019, 7:44pm
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