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As it turns out as I was looking over the 01/02/08 draft today, I ended up make a few changes and corrects and then a few more until I'd changed enough to post it as a new version.
This version trims back the page count that yesterday's draft added. It also (I hope) helps to farther clear up what the protag's fear really is.
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hey mwc,
i read the draft last week so don't remember everything, but i just read the new draft. i glanced at the logline before i initially read it, but forgot it when i read it. i still don't know why he's afraid of the dark, and that's important info. for a viewer. i know it's backstory, but motivation is always an essential part of character, especially when phobias and fear is involved (ex. 'good will hunting' -matt damon was like that as an adult because we learn he had a troubled childhood, from foster home to foster home, and was abused as a child. 'the aviator' - howard hughes (leo) was OCD and afraid of germs because we see when he's younger his mother raised him like that. 'truman show' - truman was afraid of the water because his dad drowned when he was younger). look at it like this: let's say you're watching a movie and character A says "i hate John so much". and then someone asks him "why do you hate John?" and A says "just because", as a viewer, we won't accept that really. but if we see a flashback of of John beating the crap out of character A, then we would undesrtand why A hates John so much, and we would believe it. and lastly, if he is afraid of the dark, why is he driving a long distance at night on a remote highway (even if it is supposed to be full moon)? i'm not afraid of the dark, and even i wouldn't do that. again, there needs to be a motivation for that or a reason that the viewer will understand why he's doing that (and maybe it's because it's the next day, and there are no flights, and this was the fastest way, but as a viewer, i don't know why). you need to flesh this out more, because at 9 pages, it feels rushed
dkw208 Do you really think that a 6 minute short needs to include a backstory? Do you really feel that the audience needs to know more?
All of the examples you sited were radically longer then this story. Do you think people would really gain anything by adding another scene? Or would it take away from the tension?
This story is very simple and I'm afraid stretching would just dilute the impact.
Well, the original link works, just not the updated links posted...
This script is twelve years old, Galin. Feel free obviously to comment/review whatever scripts you like but be aware you might not/probably won't get any interaction after all this time.
Or, you might entice someone out of the woodwork.
P.S. Galin, PM'd you some SS Newb links FYI, and welcome to the site.