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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Blood Poison Moderators: bert
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  Author    Blood Poison  (currently 3976 views)
Don
Posted: January 30th, 2008, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Blood Poison by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Horror - In the year 1488, the Ottoman Empire was in the midst of a conquest that spread across Eastern Europe.  One band of soldiers though was to unleash an enemy not even they could conquer.  Now, two brothers seek revenge against a creature banished from the heavens, in a land consumed by a deathly poison. (97 pages) - pdf, format


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Don  -  February 6th, 2008, 1:46pm
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alffy
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I wrote this over a year ago and finally got round to rewriting it.  I'm a great lover of the Hammer Horror films and wanted to wirte my own version of a vampire flick.  I've tried to stray from the traditional Dracula movies and introduce a new slant on the myth.


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I started reading this when you posted it a little while ago, but I stopped. I finished it through today though, so here are my thoughts:

First of all , I don't like the two brothers' names very much--Dragos sounds more like a knight's name and Nicolae could be just "Nicholas" or "Nicholai", but that's just me nit-picking. Pay no heed. Anyways, moving on.

I would recommend more dialogue when the brothers first dismount near the cemetery. A simple "Ready?" just feels a little dry. I know you have them talking literally less than half a page later, but I still felt like more dialogue should've been included. This is because. after this, you immediately thrust us into a journey with little to no development on these characters' personalities.

I liked the story within a story later on, with their dad telling them about the war as children. Although I cannot imagine a father telling his sons such a violent story detailing all the graphic bits--those kids would grow up to be some fucked up adults. Even back then, parents had a lot of consideration form what they would let their children hear.

Technically-speaking, the action was well written and the dialogue fit the era. So that's a plus.  

I would've liked something else besides vampires. Maybe some werewolves or other such monsters could've been thrown in too.  I mean, if vampires exist, how come other monsters don't?

My two cents.  
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alffy
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Thanks for checking this Julio.

Yeah I struggled with the backstory, or should I say how to introduce it.  I wanted a way for the brothers to know the story and also for the reader to know some background.

I agree the two brothers don't develop too much throught he story.  Also I have thought of including some more monsters into the mix.  Werewolves crossed my mind and maybe something new, dunno what though.

Glad you commented on the action and dialogue as there was quite a bit of action and the dialogue was my biggest fear.

Thanks again for reading this, if you want me to repay the favour just let me know.


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Limey
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Hi Alffy

Here's the review, as promised. I enjoyed this (I love vampires  ) and thought the premise and backstory you've got are excellent but I think you can do more with the execution. I'll just paste in the notes I made while reading through (I don't tend to note down good bits - sorry - so I hope it doesn't sound too negative) and then add a few more general thoughts;

Great opening. I like the way Dragos doesn’t help dig – adds a lackadaisical air – they’ve done this before, many times…

P8 Seems a bit of an odd place to stop the story. I know you’re holding it back to reveal later but it jolts a little. Maybe have the mother only appear at this point and, realising what the father is telling the kids, send them off to bed. Then Radu explains why he was telling them the story

P10 I'd consider leaving the flashback here, with Radu stepping outside, and coming back to it later. I think it'd be more suspenseful.

P14 Bit heavy on the exposition as to Alexandrel’s guilt  

P15 Might want to show Dragos and Nickolae etc taking an interest in the bodies as they pass, maybe even ask questions of Mihail.

P19 – 20 The conversation prior to Mihail approaching the table doesn't really add anything - I'd dump it

P20 Not sure you need actions like “Mihail offers his hand” and “Iancu shakes it”, it adds unnecessary length – the actors will add this from the dialogue

P21 “The flintlock muskets are clean…” - again, I'd say you're adding unnecessary length to the script. Save the space for something more important.

P23 – 24 Maybe hint a bit more at what is going on – why Alexandrel is reluctant to act, why he expects Litovoi to have an answer, where is that answer supposed to have come from etc. Don't give anything away but I think it's a bit too opaque at the moment.

P25 I'm not sure why is Alexandrel rejecting their help. They've already professed to having seen this before so why isn’t he saying “Brilliant, when can you start?”. I don't think his secret is anything that would stop him, is it? It's nothing shameful or demeaning.

P28 From what we know so far, Livotoi disagrees with Alexandrel and thinks something more needs to be done. What’s stopping him allying with Dragos etc?

P34/35 They talk about not intervening then in the next scene they do, so I'd cut out this conversation.

P38 “Make no sudden move” – I really like this, you’re presenting the Vampire as more of a wild animal than the urbane superhuman that we normally see. Nice.

P43 Not sure of the purpose of Dora's riding trip. Is it so we know Bogdan is dead? I think the audience would assume that anyway.

P51 While Iancu tells his story, how about flashing back to Ranu vs Azrael? Or something else with the story in VO – would be more visually interesting.

P55 – 58 This is almost an exact replica of the first encounter. Is this intentional? Might the audience feel a little cheated/disappointed by this? Also, wouldn’t Dragos etc have briefed the guards on how to kill a Vampire? In fact, they saw that they needed to behead it earlier.

P60 Again, really not sure why Alexandrel is being, for want of a better phrase, such an a*se. He wants the threat to his family destroyed - why not take the offer of help?

P61 Maybe need to explain why cremation is not acceptable (on religious grounds, presumably)

P64 “My father has bigger worries”. What are they? Not sure we ever find out.

P68 Wouldn’t they decapitate the corpses to make sure? These guys are seasoned pros…

P72 Why did Azrael stop at Timur?

P72 “Better by he than your own hand”. Nice but I think you've made the "killing your father thing" a bit too subtle. We need to see it or the reprecussions of it more clearly for it to have any kind of impact (I know Dragos was presumably reminded of it when he had to behead the guard but I think most movie goers would really need it spelling out).

P73 I don't think this really foreshadows Alexandrel seeing the hallucinations which later drive him to kill Mihail. Maybe rewrite it so he's more obviously paranoid / delusional.

P76 Why have they not been told to behead the Vampires? I know it’s more dramatic but it kind of bugs me

P81 Not sure why Iancu was in the village? To help protect it? How does he know to leave?

P82 At the moment this feels a bit like it comes out of nowhere. I think you need a little more foreshadowing that Alexandrel is hallucinating / losing his mind

P85 Not sure why you chose to keep Liliana hidden until now? Or why's she's in the story at all.

P88 Where has Azrael been – I thought he got to the house before the brothers?

P94 I kind of feel that Azrael needs to be a more formidable enemy otherwise why was he only imprisoned in the first place and not killed? Perhaps he is only “temporarily” killed and will eventually be reborn? But this could be a personal preference

P96 I really want to know where the brothers are going? Hunting down the other fallen angels?

P97 What about his mother? Didn’t he have to kill her too? And I'm not entirely sure why is he only just burying his father’s skull? Did he need to kill Azrael first? Maybe make it clearer.


You've probably guessed from the above that Alexandrel's lack of cooperation really didn't work for me. At the moment it feels like it's there purely to complicate the plot - I think you need to either give him a better motivation for acting as he does or come up with a different obstacle for the protagonists.

More generally, I felt the characters were a little flat and samey - there wasn't really anything to choose between the brothers and Iancu. If you could flesh them out a bit more it would make it easier to root for them.

I also think you could do more with the Romantic subplot between Dragos and Dora. It never really gets going. I'd like to see it complicate the main plot, maybe split Dragos' loyalties or remind him of some past pain that makes their task harder to complete.

The action was good and well written. I like the fact that the vampires bleed - an opportunity for some nice visuals - and the way you describe the carnage in the courtyard when Dragos and Nickolae arrive from defending the gate was great.

OK, that's quite a lot so I'll stop there. I know this probably all sounds really negative but it's because I really like the take you've got on vampires, where they come from and what they're like, that I want to see as much done with it as possible.

Anyway, hope this helps

Cheers

Adam


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alffy
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Thanks for the read Adam, I will get to your script, just been busy writing a short for the scarefest series.


Quoted from Limey
Hi Alffy

Here's the review, as promised. I enjoyed this (I love vampires  ) and thought the premise and backstory you've got are excellent


Thanks Adam glad you liked it.


Quoted from Limey
Maybe have the mother only appear at this point and, realising what the father is telling the kids, send them off to bed. Then Radu explains why he was telling them the story


Yeah I know where your coming from here.  It's a it of a blood thirsty story to tell your children but I couldn't think how I could introduce the backstory and how to show how the children learnt about it.


Quoted from Limey
The conversation prior to Mihail approaching the table doesn't really add anything - I'd dump it


Noted, thanks.


Quoted from Limey
“The flintlock muskets are clean…” - again, I'd say you're adding unnecessary length to the script.


This was included to show that the guards have never fired the muskets and don't really know how to.


Quoted from Limey
I'm not sure why is Alexandrel rejecting their help. They've already professed to having seen this before so why isn’t he saying “Brilliant, when can you start?”. I don't think his secret is anything that would stop him, is it?


I notice this was a major issue with you.  I'll try to explain my reasoning here.  Alexandrel isn't sure how mush the brothers know about Azrael.  Also he is stubborn about anyone getting involved because of his wife, who is the subject of the curse, as explained later.  I guess this bit needs some work.


Quoted from Limey
“Make no sudden move” – I really like this, you’re presenting the Vampire as more of a wild animal than the urbane superhuman that we normally see. Nice.


Just what I wanted to hear.


Quoted from Limey
Not sure of the purpose of Dora's riding trip. Is it so we know Bogdan is dead? I think the audience would assume that anyway.


Atmosphere really, thats all.


Quoted from Limey
wouldn’t Dragos etc have briefed the guards on how to kill a Vampire? In fact, they saw that they needed to behead it earlier.


Hmm, good point.


Quoted from Limey
“My father has bigger worries”. What are they? Not sure we ever find out.


His wife.


Quoted from Limey
Why did Azrael stop at Timur?


Again I may need to think this bit through.  I rewrote this bit a few times and kinda got lost somewhere I think.  Thanks for pointing this out.


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alffy
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Quoted from Limey
“Better by he than your own hand”. Nice but I think you've made the "killing your father thing" a bit too subtle.


Thanks just glad you got that bit.


Quoted from Limey
I don't think this really foreshadows Alexandrel seeing the hallucinations which later drive him to kill Mihail. Maybe rewrite it so he's more obviously paranoid / delusional.


OK noted.


Quoted from Limey
Not sure why Iancu was in the village? To help protect it? How does he know to leave?


Iancu was in the village to oversee the signal being lit.


Quoted from Limey
Not sure why you chose to keep Liliana hidden until now? Or why's she's in the story at all.


Again I toiled with this bit for a while.  I wanted her to be secret, Alexandrel keeping her locked away for her own safety and leading the brothers to believe she didn't exsist at all.


Quoted from Limey
Where has Azrael been – I thought he got to the house before the brothers?


Good point.


Quoted from Limey
I kind of feel that Azrael needs to be a more formidable enemy otherwise why was he only imprisoned in the first place and not killed? Perhaps he is only “temporarily” killed and will eventually be reborn? But this could be a personal preference


I know what you mean.  I didn't want the final battle to drag on as I tried to make the brothers as normal as possible, not superhuman hollywood heroes.  I like your idea of Azrael maybe been reborn leading the brothers to track him again and utimately find a final solution.  Sequel on the cards? lol


Quoted from Limey
I'm not entirely sure why is he only just burying his father’s skull? Did he need to kill Azrael first? Maybe make it clearer.


I wanted this to show that Dragos had to slay his own father and couldn't make with peace with himself and his father until Azrael was dead.  I guess I could change this though.


Quoted from Limey
You've probably guessed from the above that Alexandrel's lack of cooperation really didn't work for me.


Yes I got that lol.


Quoted from Limey
More generally, I felt the characters were a little flat and samey - there wasn't really anything to choose between the brothers and Iancu. If you could flesh them out a bit more it would make it easier to root for them.


Yeah this is something I know needs work.


Quoted from Limey
I also think you could do more with the Romantic subplot between Dragos and Dora. It never really gets going.


This was added during a rewrite, it never exsisted at all first time round.  I wanted to stay away from the soppy love story but I guess it would make the characters more appealing.  I'll love it up a bit.


Quoted from Limey
The action was good and well written. I like the fact that the vampires bleed - an opportunity for some nice visuals - and the way you describe the carnage in the courtyard when Dragos and Nickolae arrive from defending the gate was great.


Thanks mate


Quoted from Limey
OK, that's quite a lot so I'll stop there. I know this probably all sounds really negative but it's because I really like the take you've got on vampires, where they come from and what they're like, that I want to see as much done with it as possible.


Well you've spurred me on to do another rewrite, which is good thing.  Thanks again and I'll try and read yours over the weekend.



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Limey
Posted: February 14th, 2008, 3:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy


Quoted from alffy
This was included to show that the guards have never fired the muskets and don't really know how to.

OK, makes more sense now  


Quoted from alffy
I notice this was a major issue with you.  I'll try to explain my reasoning here.  Alexandrel isn't sure how mush the brothers know about Azrael.  Also he is stubborn about anyone getting involved because of his wife, who is the subject of the curse, as explained later.  I guess this bit needs some work.

Ah, he's worried that The Brothers / Villagers might just lynch his wife to appease Azrael... OK, I like that better (not sure how I missed it first time round  ). Maybe you could make it a bit clearer for idiots like me! He might try and find out exactly what the brothers do know earlier on, though, because they represent a potential opportunity to save his wife...

Also just thought you could make the wife a red herring and lead the audience / brothers to believe she's a vampire (ie the villagers mutter about how she hasn't been seen since the attacks started etc - really because Alexandrel is protecting her but they don't know that). Possibly a bit cheesy but it just popped into my head and I thought I might as well write it down.

Another (lame) thought, another edit - how about at the climax having the villagers find out about the curse and try to lynch the wife. Then the vampires turn up at the house as well... could be an epic climax (plus every vampire flick needs a howling mob)

Cheers

Adam


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Limey  -  February 14th, 2008, 4:18am
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alffy
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Quoted from Limey


Ah, he's worried that The Brothers / Villagers might just lynch his wife to appease Azrael... OK, I like that better (not sure how I missed it first time round  ). Maybe you could make it a bit clearer for idiots like me! He might try and find out exactly what the brothers do know earlier on, though, because they represent a potential opportunity to save his wife...


Glad you see it now, thought I had a big rewrite on my hands.


Quoted from Limey

Also just thought you could make the wife a red herring and lead the audience / brothers to believe she's a vampire (ie the villagers mutter about how she hasn't been seen since the attacks started etc - really because Alexandrel is protecting her but they don't know that).


I like this idea.  The villages muttering is a good idea, thanks.


Quoted from Limey

Another (lame) thought, another edit - how about at the climax having the villagers find out about the curse and try to lynch the wife. Then the vampires turn up at the house as well... could be an epic climax (plus every vampire flick needs a howling mob)


This crossed my mind at one point but I just kept seeing Frankenstein.  I actually really like your earlier idea of Azrael being reborn, I might look into that a bit more.

On a side note, I've started your script, I'll wait till i've finished before posted my thoughts, and so far I like it. lol.


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   I kept thinking while reading " this might be what Van Helsing would have been like if it  had been good" :p   I liked the setting and atmosphere, in the beginning I didn't know if it would work, but overall it did.

   I think Limey covered the major plot points, so there's not much I'd add. The flashback in the beginning troubles me though. It feels a bit awkward to have it after the opening scene, but also am not sure of it works to open the story, either. I was wondering if the needed information - the unleashing of the vampires, how Dragos had to slay his father, etc - can this be communicated in dialogue at some point? Although they always say Show Not Tell, perhaps Nicolae can relate it in an aside at some point, maybe to Dora - or Dragos himself can tell that almost as an aside. As is, his burden doesn't carry enough emotional weight, is a bit too vague. His relationship with Dora really does need to be beefed up, even if you start a budding romance between the two, but have it be a romance that he can't commit too due to the heavy heart he carries.
  
   I might be thinking too romantic here, but it even occurs to me that you can kill off Nicolae at the climax, and have Dora accompany Dragos as he buries his father's remains, then ride off alone. It's only suggested since you have a script that's very rich in atmosphere ( big kudos on that btw, I'd avoided writing a period script not thinking I could pull one off, this one works) and action, but without much character to hang onto.
  
   It's great that the vampires are brutal creatures, it almost washes the horrid taste of Anne Rice away once and for all!  DO  NOT add werewolves or other monsters, then we WOULD be veering into VanHelsing territory lol.
  
   Also I echo Adam's thoughts that the curse & Dora's mother, that business is not clear until late in the game, the mother suddenly appearing was a bit confusing. Although I read your reasoning above it still feels a bit nebulous.

   The action by and large is good, but yes the second encounter around pg 57/58 feels like more of the same we'd seen. The ending can really be amped up without the brothers turning into Hollywood action figures, but I too was hoping for a more "epic" type ending. Burn a few buildings, why don't ya

   So good work on the different take on a vampire script, yes I can see this as a Hammer production. The blood, gore and action is there in spades, the major issue for me was not caring for the major characters, not feeling them as individuals, and as mentioned, missing on a more ill-fated romance for Dora and Dragos.


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Quoted from mikep
   I kept thinking while reading " this might be what Van Helsing would have been like if it  had been good" :p  

Thanks, I too thought Van Helsing was a poor affair.


Quoted from mikep

The flashback in the beginning troubles me though. It feels a bit awkward to have it after the opening scene, but also am not sure of it works to open the story, either.


This was one of my concerns.  It never quite seemed right but I wasn't sure how to include it.


Quoted from mikep

his burden doesn't carry enough emotional weight, is a bit too vague. His relationship with Dora really does need to be beefed up, even if you start a budding romance between the two, but have it be a romance that he can't commit too due to the heavy heart he carries.


Noted.  I'm gonna work on my characters in the rewrite.
  

Quoted from mikep
it even occurs to me that you can kill off Nicolae at the climax


I toyed with this idea and did indeed write in at one point but had a change of heart.


Quoted from mikep
you have a script that's very rich in atmosphere ( big kudos on that btw, I'd avoided writing a period script not thinking I could pull one off, this one works).


Thanks mike, the atmosphere is something I worked hard on throughout.
  

Quoted from mikep
The ending can really be amped up without the brothers turning into Hollywood action figures, but I too was hoping for a more "epic" type ending. Burn a few buildings, why don't ya


Yeah I think I can improve the ending.


Quoted from mikep
So good work on the different take on a vampire script, yes I can see this as a Hammer production. The blood, gore and action is there in spades, the major issue for me was not caring for the major characters, not feeling them as individuals, and as mentioned, missing on a more ill-fated romance for Dora and Dragos.


Thanks mike, glad you enjoyed it.  From the feedback I recieved so far I guess I have to work on my characters.  I did think this would be the case, I spent a lot of time on the atmosphere and feel of the script, so I guess I got that right.  Also thanks for commenting on the fact that this being a period setting that worked OK.


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Scoob
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Hey Alffy, apologies for the late review.


I liked the opening scene, reminded me of the old Hammer horror films. I also like the settings.
I like the way you write the flashback/story scene, it was to the point and  you can picture it happening. It does seem a little misplaced so early on however. I dont know how you could get around this unless you started the whole script with this scene first and then added the burial scene afterwards.
I dont really have a problem with the father telling the kids the story - it makes sense that if it was based on real events and that there is a threat of the kids being in danger then it might be wrong if the father never told them.  Plus, Im looking at it that I was allowed to watch horror films as a kid and I turned out fine...

Just adding this in: On page 4 you have Nicolae cuss ( understandable in the situation! ) but it is the only swear word I can remember. It seems a little out of place given the time, settings and overall feel that the script develops later on.

The first 15 or so pages are nicely written and prety blood-thirsty. A good start to the story with the main characters back story already developed.

Page 28: Alexandrel " No, bit he has much work to do" -  Should be But?

I cant understand, at this point, why Alexandrel pretends there is nothing supernatural going on when he meets Niculae and co. when a moment before he was almost laying into Litovoi about him failing to come up with a plan. He seemed to want urgent help but as soon as he is offered it, he rejects it. Perhaps this will all be explained later.
Which is a little further down when he is described as stubborn and does not appreciate outside help. I wont judge the character just yet though but it seems that it might be along the lines of the old "police dont beleive theres a problem" scenario until its too late.

I enjoyed the whole segment from the attack on Panut to Costel returning to the inn and the vampire being outside. It was nicely written and well paced.

Page 39: The vampire seems similar to a werewolf. Not a bad thing at all, I like how you have resisted from using the cliched vampire and made it more of an animal.
Page 47: I liked the whole atmosphere of Doras ride segment. Maybe only minor, but I really iked that you showed the vampire hiding from the sunlight. It made a change from the normal that sleep during the day and I did find it a pretty nice vision.

P51 and 52: Couple of spelling errors. "Lose" I think should be "Lost" and "farther" to "Father". "Punished" to "Punish" - I wont go on but there is a couple of these scattered throughout. No biggie though.
I like the story behind the fallen angels being the main culprits that started the vampires off.

P55-59: Although written and described really well ( and nice and gory!) I agree with with Limey and Mikep in that this confrontation is maybe too similar to the first. Perhaps a change of setting might make it a little better.

58-59: Dont want to sound like Im nitpicking here but both Iancu and Nicolae tell Dragos to "calm himself" using the same dialouge within a short time. It just sounded strange.

Another nice visual of groups of vampires emerging from the woods.

76-77: The people fighting these vampires would be wiped out in a flash if God help them just more than one attacked at the same time. It feels a little repetitious at this point. Im hoping that a confrontation with more then just one vamp will happen shortly...
Guess I should have been more patient because indeed it does!  Quick scene, but gory and pleasing enough for my tastes! Nic and Drag really dont mess about disposing of these vampires.
81: Nice bloodbath here
82: Interesting that the crusifix was no help for Litovoi and only seemed to work slightly on Azrael at the begining. I think its a nice touch that it only works possibly on the fallen angels themselves and not  the "carriers" - if that is the case.

84: Why did Alexandrel blow out the candle? And Mihail is Azrael?  * Returning back to this point, I see that Alexandrel had tripped out/gone crazy but I do agree with Limey that perhaps you need to make this a little more clear beforehand. I do think its a good idea, but just needs a bit more build up.

86: The Liliana moment definitly comes out of the blue. It gives more weight to who Alexandrel was protecting and why he was so secretive, but perhaps you could have dropped a couple of small hints in earlier. I dont know, see how this ends up. Why she never speaks in this scene gives me the impression there is more at play.

94: I like the way Azrael is killed off - if indeed he actually is.

Well, I enjoyed reading this one. It definitly took me back to when I used to watch the old Hammer films only this was extremely more violent ( A good thing!).
The story was a little thin - it's basically a traditional tale that you have revamped - but then thats what is so appealing about it.
I think you did a good job with the dialouge and keeping it in that style, it never broke up apart from the line on page 4.
The characters of Nicolae and Drago are very similar ( they are brothers, so why not) and the only difference I found between them was that Nic likes his food and drink. To be honest I didnt go into this wanting a heavy aspect on characters - I wanted to read/see a good horror with vampires and violence and heroes fighting them protecting a village.  I think you did a good job in delivering exactly that. If you were aiming at making this more in depth then I would say you probably could do with working on all the characters a little more, to give them more of an individual identity.

The only real downside, and its not even that, is just the second vampire attack in the village. It is too similar to the first. I felt the third attack was also going on a little too long compared to how the following scenes went. I think you could cut that down a little.

The real highlights are your writing and the way you created atmosphere and mood. I could picture every scene and I liked that it was not over the top and over written. You wrote quick and simple, yet created the perfect scene. The vampires were also well devised, I like the more animalistic touch that others have also pointed out.

So hope not to have echoed too much from previous comments, all the best with this one.



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alffy
Posted: March 4th, 2008, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scoob

I liked the opening scene, reminded me of the old Hammer horror films. I also like the settings.

Thanks this was my inspiration for the script.


Quoted from Scoob

I like the way you write the flashback/story scene, it was to the point and  you can picture it happening. It does seem a little misplaced so early on however.

Yeah this was one scene I struggled with, where to put it I mean.


Quoted from Scoob

Just adding this in: On page 4 you have Nicolae cuss but it is the only swear word I can remember. It seems a little out of place given the time, settings and overall feel that the script develops later on.

I know what you mean, I took this out then put it back and so and so on.  I think I'll change this in the rewrite.


Quoted from Scoob

Page 39: The vampire seems similar to a werewolf. Not a bad thing at all, I like how you have resisted from using the cliched vampire and made it more of an animal.

Thanks, I wanted to put a new spin on an old genre.


Quoted from Scoob

Page 47: I liked the whole atmosphere of Doras ride segment. Maybe only minor, but I really iked that you showed the vampire hiding from the sunlight. It made a change from the normal that sleep during the day and I did find it a pretty nice vision.

I'm glad you liked this scene, it's one of my favourites.

Thanks for picking out the spelling, I always miss some lol.


Quoted from Scoob

P55-59:  I agree with with Limey and Mikep in that this confrontation is maybe too similar to the first. Perhaps a change of setting might make it a little better.

Like you say, a few peole have nticed the similarity here so I'm definately going to change this.


Quoted from Scoob

58-59: Dont want to sound like Im nitpicking here but both Iancu and Nicolae tell Dragos to "calm himself" using the same dialouge within a short time. It just sounded strange.

Noted, thanks.


Quoted from Scoob

82: Interesting that the crusifix was no help for Litovoi and only seemed to work slightly on Azrael at the begining. I think its a nice touch that it only works possibly on the fallen angels themselves and not  the "carriers" - if that is the case.

thanks for noticing this, some didn't.


Quoted from Scoob

I see that Alexandrel had tripped out/gone crazy, I do think its a good idea, but just needs a bit more build up.

Again I'll do my best to change this in the rewrite.


Quoted from Scoob

86: The Liliana moment definitly comes out of the blue. It gives more weight to who Alexandrel was protecting and why he was so secretive, but perhaps you could have dropped a couple of small hints in earlier.

Yeah I agree there needs to be a few earlier clues.


Quoted from Scoob

Well, I enjoyed reading this one. It definitly took me back to when I used to watch the old Hammer films only this was extremely more violent ( A good thing!).
The story was a little thin - it's basically a traditional tale that you have revamped - but then thats what is so appealing about it.

Thanks very much scoob, glad you liked it and saw it for what it is...a traditional horror.  That's my excuse for the thin characters lol.


Quoted from Scoob

The real highlights are your writing and the way you created atmosphere and mood. I could picture every scene and I liked that it was not over the top and over written. You wrote quick and simple, yet created the perfect scene. The vampires were also well devised, I like the more animalistic touch that others have also pointed out.


Thanks again for your positive comments.



Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Pants
Posted: March 11th, 2008, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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My thoughts....Cut the entire first scene. I would start the movie with the first flash back. (The one with the whole back story) End the first scene with the one brother yelling for the other and morph into current day where one is maybe yelling for help in the first battle you describe. I like the rest of it. Parts, I thought were a little too graphic where it would make it almost humorous, If that's what you were going fo, then cool. I didn't understand the very ending. maybe I missed something. Good Job!
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alffy
Posted: March 11th, 2008, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for checking this out Pants.

The ending has confused a few so maybe that's something I need to work on in the rewrite.  Anywho glag you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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