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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  Ain't No Justice - OWC
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  Author    Ain't No Justice - OWC  (currently 5483 views)
Don
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ain't No Justice by T. Joseph Fraser (Blakkwolf) - Short, Drama - There ain't no justice like prison justice. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 4:05pm
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GM
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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I really didn't believe this tale. The fact that a guard would help is kind of fake especially to that extent. The dialgoue seemed a bit forced when it was getting to the last few pages. And the candy business was kind of funny; I doubt prisoners would do that type of thing and espeically a guard. You revealed too many characters in the beginning such as giving a name to the guy who only siad: Dead man walking. That was not necessary.

But overall, the writing was really good from what I've read and the story flowed.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe
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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with most of the stuff Mr. Ripley said. There were a lot of characters that I had trouble figuring who was who and some didn't even need names if they were only going to say one or two lines.

I kind of wonder how Crawfish and John became such good friends to the point where John helps Crawfish kill Sunshine, which, I don't even understand why he kills Sunshine in the first place.

But the writing was good and it followed the OWC requirements well.

Sean


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ABennettWriter
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. I wish there were some answers, but overall, I thought it was good.

Good dialogue. Good characters. Great use with theme and genre.

Good job.
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Certain parts of your action lines don't work:

"JOHN WAYNE, a forty something guard who works too hard for too little money..."

"CRAWFISH JIM, a thin, grey bearded black man who has seen it all but still keeps looking..."

We can't see any of that.

Other than that, I like this story. It's not a very unique premise, but it's well-executed and well-written (except the bit above). I enjoyed the dialog and the fact the guard wasn't just a cold, flat character with contempt for all prisoners - that very cliched.

Good stuff and it fits the challenge to a T. I'll give it a A-.
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greg
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was good but could have been a lot better.  Toward the end it seemed like the dialogue really trailed off, and then again we have another assisted prison death from the authority.  Unlike another one I read yesterday, I couldn't buy it with this one.  The thing here is that usually in prison(from what I hear on trash TV shows), it's the prisoners that rough up the pedophiles.  I know that there are some corrupt law authorities out here, but to actually assist in killing an inmate?  And why Sunshine?  Why not the other x amount of rapists and pedophiles locked up?  It really promotes more questions than it does answers.

Good writing, but needed something more, I think.


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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Iím also detecting a recurring theme in some of these stories. However for me this is the best yet of the justice from fellow prisoner stories.

However I had one big problem - Actually the JOHN WAYNE? Was the character supposed to look like a rugged western cowboy in the readers mind? I just couldnít shake the image or the question.

Philip


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James McClung
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty good read. There were several cliches here and there but they didn't really detract from the story. In some cases, they made the script read a little more smoothly. I liked the names you came up with for these characters. I thought they were all very innovative and clever but fit well with the genre. The characters were good as well. Both John Wayne and Crawfish were likeable characters I thought. I liked their relationship.

Not many issues with this one. I did think the ending was a little out of Crawfish's character. He was set up as someone who didn't want to make trouble and then goes and does just that. I think he needs a stronger reason to do what he does. It's not enough to say he's angry about Sunshine's crimes. He's in prison. I'm sure there's plenty others like Sunshine lumped in with him. Also, like in the first script I read, John Wayne needs a stronger reason to get involved in any of this.

Oh and if Sunshine's going to be strangled with a wire, he's not going to be able to scream. That's physics.

Anyway, a generally solid entry. Good job.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was pretty decent, it fit the theme and genre well.  It was kinda weird to see a guy named John Wayne, maybe if it was a nickname he was given because of similarities he would have with the Duke, I could buy that, or if in fact he is really named john Wayne that someone would make a joke about it.

I wish we knew a little more between Wayne and Crawfish, they seemed close, why is that?  How come there is a connection between these two?  That I think would give it a little more meat.

I think the premise is good, but I didn't buy the end, maybe if we knew the friendship between Wayne and Crawfish more it would fit better.  Still pretty good for this challenge.


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James R
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, the characters were defined very clearly for me. I have to agree with the John Wayne name, be careful if you're going to use the name of a legend. It's like how nobody ever covers Beatles tunes, it's a respect thing.

A few things I caught:

pp. 5 "Got a himself an B..."
pp. 7 When JW asks Crawfish "How's the new guy?" and then there is a new scene heading, I don't think it is needed. It's the same scene.
pp. 8 "Caddilac" and "With THE price of gas"

I wanted to know (I realize we were limited to 12 pages) who had given the green light for this? It has been mentioned that usually it is the other inmates who take care of the pedophiles. Also, would a pedophile really be spilling his guts to someone who quotes biblical verses just because he gave him a candy bar? I know there are some criminals who just can't resist bragging about their crimes and I guess I should just assume you did your homework on this.

Again, well written, just left me with a few questions.

James


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Mirage Moon
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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I personally liked the character's names and who they were correlating to the storyline. For the John Wayne character, maybe a middle initial would give us the insight that he was named for the legendary man.

It did flow well and kept me curious as to what might happen next. I am not sure how probable a relationship like JW and Crawfish's may be, but it seemed to work for me in this story- who knows in a world like ours? Maybe Crawfish isn't exactly an inmate after all?

My friendly critique would be the way the strangulation took place. Sunshine is described as a large man, while Crawfish is a thin older man. For Sunshine's screams to be heard, there would have to be a struggle, wouldn't there? and if there's a struggle (long enough to hear screaming anyway)- wouldn't Sunshine easily overpower Crawfish? So, my thought is if the strangulation went smoothly, there wouldn't be any noise- except for maybe Crawfish grunting.

Pg 8- misspelling-Caddilac

Thank you for sharing,
Mirage Moon

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chism
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one a lot. Very well-written, some excellent dialogue. I liked the subtle hint of Sunshineís pederast ways in the flashback; I thought that was very well plotted.

The characters is what I liked the most. Not just your standard cardboard cut-outs, more alive, more individual. They didnít all just seem like the same person, as happens so many times both here on SS and in movies in general. I could imagine Morgan Freeman doing one hell of a job with Crawfish.

Anyway, this was a really excellent piece. Good characters, exemplary dialogue, good formatting. Fit really well into the theme/genre. This is easily the best of the OWC scripts that Iíve read so far. Really great work.


Matt.
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Souter Fell
Posted: February 26th, 2008, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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I liked it but it seems incomplete. I know (at least from the movies) that pederasts are the most vile of inmate to other inmates. But I keep waiting for something that didn't happen. Instead Crawfish, if he can be taken at his word, came to jail, found out he likes killing people, and decided he didn't mind staying imprisoned so long as he could still kill.

I'm glad you didn't have crawfish as an uncle of the bayou girl. I started cringing when i remember he's got a Nawlins accent. But he's just some guy. Kinda wanted more. Hell, for a bit I thought Crawfish was  gonna turn out to be a heavenly angle of death, caught by the law, but the guards bring him those worthy to die.

I won't get into the opening descriptions and the stuff that can't be filmed. Make some kind of payoff and I think it'll be real good.

Good show


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mcornetto
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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I thought the dialogue and the actions in this one were quite good and it certainly met the OWC brief. I had a bit of a problem with the believability of the story, simply because I think its stretching plausibility that the guard would get involved.  If Sunshine were about to be released then you might of got away with it Ė but the dead man walking in the beginning pretty much said that Sunshine was already going to die, so why would they have him killed? And why in the world did you use the name JOHN WAYNE - I found it a bit distracting.

Though this needs a rewrite I would CONSIDER it.
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BPeterson
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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I pretty much have to echo everyone else here, I was a little late reading this one. It was decent but it needs a rewrite, most of which has been noted above by others. I also agree it felt incomplete and limited by the 12 pages. If you do consider a revision, I think this could benefit from fleshing it out. good entry.
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