SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 2:17am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  D'enouement - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    D'enouement - OWC  (currently 2191 views)
Don
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
D'enouement by Bryan Mora - Short, Drama - Tranquilize, unravel, and let love possess us all, until it feels like home again. The year 2039. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 3:53pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Mr.Ripley
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.31
I enjoyed the tale. The Characters and dialgoue felt real. I enjoyed the two stories kind of interwined together. However, I would have liked to see how it would ended. But the logline tells nothing of the tale, its simply a quote from the first page. My only negative about this short.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 11
Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Florida, USA
Posts
706
Posts Per Day
0.12
13 pages, ran a little long for a 12 page challenge, but aside from that...I don't understand the story, but that might just be me.  Was Emile a hero trying to fight his brother, the mind controlling gas Colonel? Flashbacks should be labeled...Well written and poetic dialogue though and some good characters...Just unclear what Emile's role was in all of this...


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
bert
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 9:21am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
I am not entirely sure how I feel about this one.  I actually liked the logline until I saw it repeated on the title page, and then it felt a bit pretentious.

But I can forgive that, as this story is struggling to lift itself up into something meaningful, I think.  Something more than just a simple tale with a beginning and an end -- even though it does not really end at all, does it?

This tale is reminiscent of Orwell, with an idealistic protagonist battling a totalitarian society that may or may not be evil.  There is ambiguity here.

But in 12 (or *cough* 13) pages, this story is too compressed.  We never learn how Emile ended up in his present situation, why he is immune to Francois’ cult of personality, or why Emile even constitutes a threat.

Those details are important to understanding the significance of anything that occurs in this story, and the final reveal of Francois’ plan to release this mysterious gas is reduced to a last-page afterthought.

We do not know what Emile will decide, but then, we also do not know why it matters.

Much of the dialogue here is almost lyrical, intentionally overwrought for effect, and many fine ideas are present.  But ultimately, this script does not do them justice. The ideas are kind of jumbled together, and more often than not, a bit confusing.

This is not the type of script that can be composed in a week, and even if it were, it could not be confined to 12 (or *cough* 13) pages.  But high marks for effort.

OWC Score:  85%


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 11
stebrown
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 10:37am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
First off just gotta say I loved the line "How he's brainwashed you all into twats". Just made me laugh.

The story itself was pretty good if a little old hat. It seems to just follow the same formula of 'A Brave New World' only set in a prison cell. In fact if you had set it in the outside world it would have worked better. You'd have had the metaphoric prison of no free-will so it would have fit the challenge but would have left allowed more ideas.

As it is I don't feel there's any development throughout the story and the characters remain the same at the end as they were at the beginning.

It was quite a slow read too with some bulky discriptions and dialogue.


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
The boy who could fly
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1387
Posts Per Day
0.21
I have to say that the descriptions here were fantastic, it made the script very easy to visualize, you get top marks for that.  As for the story, it did feel a little bloated, seemed there was too much to tell in such a short script, maybe this was a longer script that had to be cut down to fit the page count.  I did think that Emile was an interesting character and his conversation with the guard was well written.  This fit the theme and genre so good job on that.  All in all I thought this was and interesting idea, ever though it is a bit over stuffed, and it had wonderful descriptions through out.


Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 5 - 11
pwhitcroft
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
157
Posts Per Day
0.03
This has some nice visuals and early on the characters are interesting.

However the story is not structured cleanly. What I think was the central theme of the story did not appear until close to the end. It needs to appear near the beginning and then some kind of statement or resolution of it is made near the end.

The formatting and grammar need some straightening out most of the way through this e.g. Darkened hair.

Philip


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 11
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 1st, 2008, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1547
Posts Per Day
0.23
Along with Blackkwolfe, I didn't really understand the story here either. First, following the theme, a man is in a prison cell. But then we find out that there's war all over the place, and you even have one line where figures walk across the street in a "city of decay" with "hungry eyes" and I had the feeling it was going to be a zombie apocalypse, but I'm wrong.

One thing I have to complain about this script is that the guard speaks for, like, half of the script, so you might as well give him a name.

Sean
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
cybercelt
Posted: March 2nd, 2008, 9:52am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
21
Posts Per Day
0.00
  Oh for page 15.
  Left me wanting to see where this one was going. Aside from my own internal soundtrack kicking in when I read "there was a girl" nothing script wise to break the moment. The confusion was fine but I think I wanted a bit more payoff.
  Actually, thinking on it, not payoff but less confusion.
  I have the impression Emile was dying from his wound. Why is his decision important?

  Is my impression of the seriousness of his wound incorrect?

GUARD
Our champion requested I take care
of his injuries. But I only found small
cuts on his face. This I couldn’t see, and
it’s too late, it’s too deep.

He begins to cry.

GUARD
Too infected.
Genuine tears of shame spill. Emile inches himself back in
query.
GUARD
(acknowledging Emile)
Why wouldn’t you let me know

  Yes, definitely confused.
  If this was intention.. success
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 11
James R
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
New


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
This was odd. The set up was great. It drew me in (who doesn't love a post-apocalyptic tale?) but around page 7 or 8 it felt like either A) someone else took over who wasn't quite as talented as the first or B) the author decided to rush it to get it out and get it done. The typos began coming at me faster and more often and it just made it confusing (to echo cybercelt- if this was intentional you succeeded).

I loved the idea, but this one needed more to develop the story.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 11
Takeshi
Posted: March 7th, 2008, 6:25am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Is paradise without choice really paradise? How can you be free from evil without the freedom to choose not to do evil?

I enjoyed the ambiguous ending because it left me trying to answer the same question that Gaston had to answer; ending it the way you did made it a much stronger ending than it would’ve been if Gaston had answered. In fact, I appreciated the fact that your script raised more questions than answers; it made a nice change from being spoon fed information and having all the loose ends nicely tied up.    

Obviously the formatting and spelling suffered a bit from the tight schedule of the OWC, but the dialogue flowed well and the world you created was an interesting one.
I also agree with what a previous poster said about the nature of Gaston’s injury; you need to make it clear that whilst his injury is bad it’s not fatal, otherwise it does undermine the importance of his decision at the end.

Anyway, now that you have the time to give this a rewrite and smooth out the kinks, you should be able to turn it into a very solid script. I look forward to seeing the next draft.      
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 11
BryMo
Posted: March 10th, 2008, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Orlando
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.03
I always love love LOVE the feedback stages. It always confirms what i've been thinking or feeling about a piece when i'm unsure.

First and foremost thank you. Because the long and honest reviews do me a great deal.

It had been awhile since the last OWC and i wanted to participate... no matter what. Whether it was the worst thing i had ever written or the best, i wanted to see what i could do in a week. So i did, and im actually surprised my submission was taken. Not only was it over the limit but it also (i believe) a few minutes over time.

When i submitted it i knew it wouldn't 'win' but i wanted to see how people would react to this. Any reaction was better to the nothing in my head. Yet i'm actually proud of myself because I had only spent the friday afternoon(my only day off) writing this piece.  Six straight hours composing,structuring, and finaly writing the piece.

And i think almost everybody caught on to the fact that in the second half...everything was quickly put together and poorly structured.

I plan later on to make a feature. But i have a few things to get to first. Just to find myself through some difficult things.

So for now...i'm getting a VAY-CAY.

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. Comments and critiques were greatly appreciated.

Signing out for now...

also P.S. what the hell is with people and zombies? Is their a fetish im not aware of?


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006