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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Scarefest 2 - Home Malone Moderators: bert
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  Author    Scarefest 2 - Home Malone  (currently 2226 views)
Don
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Scarefest 2 - Home Malone by Shawn D. Kelley (shownkjr) - Short, Horror - Home alone, a girl wonders if she's in any real danger or if she's just paranoid after accidentally watching a Horror movie. Is there some crazy person in the house? Or is this just her imagination? 18 pages - pdf, format



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bert  -  August 31st, 2008, 3:32pm
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stebrown
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hew Shawn

This is a fun teen slasher horror. The dialogue and banter between the characters was good and read pretty natural.

I'd have liked some kind of new angle to this or more of a parody approach. I think you did well for what you were going for though.

Ste


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alffy
Posted: September 1st, 2008, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey Shawn

An 80's slasher is always an enjoyable read although not so original of course.  I liked the opening but it ran a little long for a short, and so the action seemed a bit condenced.  There was some nice 80's banter which rang true.  The ending was a bit strange and I'm not sure if there was something being implied that I didn't pick up on?  Overall, although not original, I found it an enjoyable read.


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Shawnkjr
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Ste, alffy

Thanks for the read. Glad you guys liked  this mostly. I Understand its not the most original but my goal for this was to make it seem authentically 80's and make it an enjoyable horror short. I probably could of tried something different though. I thought it was with the early fake out by Kelly's friends but I guess not. Thanks again for reading. If I haven't already I will return the favor soon.

-SHAWN


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Shawn, yours is the 3rd I've read in the Scarefest 2 grouping.

I like your writing style throughout much of this piece.  There are a few mistakes here and there, but based on the time constraints, I think that's understandable.  Story-wise, though, not much going on here that we all haven't seen 100 times before.  I think you missed the mark by not coming up with anything remotely unique.  Dialogue is pretty good and a bit "witty" to me.  Probably a bit over the top based on the fact that these are 16 year olds we're dealing with.

You kind of lost me near the end though, when the action was taking place.  I think you missed some new headings and because of that, I couldn't follow along with the action very easily (or maybe it was the fact that it was going on 1:00 AM...not sure).

I really like your title.  Good job...very creative.  The character of Malone, however, wasn't anything too special.  I think he needed alot more to him, and you definitely needed some sort of cool twist in the end, as it just went along pretty much cookie cutter slasher plotline.  I also liked your use of songs and lyrics.  I know most are against this in here, but as far I'm concened, it adds life and reality to the script and the characters as well.

So all in all, I liked this to a degree, but thought it was far too formularic, predictable, and run of the mill.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 6th, 2008, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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This was okay. It took me a while to figure out that this was in the 80s, and I guess since this is an 80s movie, it's alright to have the dialogue a bit cheesy/unrealistic.

You'd think Kelly would be a thousand times more pissed off than you made her when she found out that Leah and Kevin played a prank on her.

I'm pretty sure that if someone got stabbed in the face, they wouldn't be able to get up and chase after someone, not to mention even pull it out. That's just way too painful.

Everything seemed to happen to quickly. I mean, Herman was only there for 6 pages out of 18. You should have a chase scene, rather than it just jump from kitchen to living room to kitchen to living room. Have Kelly hide in the closet or something. I mean, if this were an 80s film, it'd be filled with clichés, so if she did hide in the closet, she'd probably stupidly leave the door open a crack, watch Herman walk by, give a sigh of relief, only to have Herman swing the door open and swipe the knife at her, but she gets away barely.

Any way, good job on this, but some things could be fixed up.

Sean


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Scoob
Posted: September 12th, 2008, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Shawn, first thing the title makes me think of is obviously Home Alone but with some kind of gangster/mafia edge! I know im mixing it up with capone but anyways...needless comment really. I do like the title though.  

I like the opening, as a sucker for 80s horror flicks I was kind of happy to see this is where you set this one. I think you nailed the dialouge pretty well and with some early nice descriptions just to settle us in.

The false set up scene worked well. Kevin's hand "problem" was a good visual aswell as his demise. Pretty gory stuff. This might be slightly odd to ask but where in Herman's face did Kelly stab him? Im guessing the cheek, but a little bit more detail here might help aid why he wasn't snuffed out there and then. Would have been nice to see him get it in one of his many facial scars maybe.
The dialouge and Kelly's ( I guess she's cracking up at this point) actions in the police cruiser seemed a little out of place. Just seemed forced although the scene itself was written well enough.

It was a quick read, simple story with nothing that has not been done before but it was still entertaining. I think you wrote it well, delivered dialouge for the most part as 80's as I can remember and I'd say you did a good job in putting together an 80's style homage to the slasher genre.



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Shawnkjr
Posted: September 26th, 2008, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Dreamscale,
This is sort of an homage parody of similar 80s movies so all of the characters dialogue is purposely styled after the dialogue in some those movies.

Zombie Sean
Yeah the end is pretty fast and probably would've worked better if It were extended

Scoob,
Yeah, she stabs him in the cheek not through the skull or anything so it wouldn't be vital.


Thanks for the read, all of you.

-SHAWN


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
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