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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Soulshadows -  Tonight You Belong To Me Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows -  Tonight You Belong To Me  (currently 4915 views)
Don
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Soulshadows -  Tonight You Belong To Me by Mike Shelton - Series, Short - Soulshadows is a weekly supernatural anthology series.  Join Tanis, each week, as she highlights an item from her collection Ė each one containing the shadow of a very special soul. In the fourth episode, we learn that true love has no bounds, and even the slightest act of devotion can carry tremendous weight. 25 pages - pdf, format


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Murphy
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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This I must say is a very decent short, it is written superbly and worked really well, I never once felt like I was being asked to forget logic or reason which of course is something one would often expect from these types of stories.

Before I forget I also need to mention the work Bert has done, what a great job of having the Tanis sections blend seamlessly with Mike's script. Some really clever stuff there and the overall effect is top notch.

I am not sold on the YouTube links to the songs, I can understand why you would want to do it but it comes across as being too gimmicky. The first one took me out out of the script for a moment which is rarely a good thing and the others I just tried to ignore. It will be interesting to see what others felt about them, did anyone listen to them while reading the script? For me though I think the script would be just as good without them and probably better.

I was surprised by the turn the script took, though I mean that in a good way. I was expecting Cara to be killed by Melanie in a gruesome horrific death or even have Alan kill her under the Apple tree in some kind of "kill Cara to bring back Melanie" sort of thing that has been done to death. So I was really pleased at the way the story turned out, you kept away from the horror and the cliched story-lines and the script feel more original for it. Well, apart from the old turn around and she is on the back seat scene, but in this case it worked as you cut straight to the end from there. A really good ending.

The writing of course is great, nothing of note really that needs a mention. In fact the only thing I would change is the YouTube links, but as I said it will be interesting to see what others say.

A really great job here though, both Mike and Bert well done.

Cheers
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Shelton
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it will finding it somewhat fresh.

A word on the YouTube links.

This was basically my way of steering the reader into what was in my mind as I was writing, meaning those specific versions of those songs.  I hadn't intended on somebody clicking the link and listening to the whole song, just enough to get an idea of the sound, and definitely no more than what is actually in the script.  I figured if I read something where I wasn't familiar with the music in it, I would look it up.  I wanted to save people that step.

I'm sure others will have thoughts on it, so I figured I'd chime in with my explanation of it now, and at least ensure that people use them how I intended.

Thanks again.


Shelton's Website

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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike.  I thought that this one was different than the other stuff you have written which I think is good, shows a range.

First the format Nazi's are gonna go ape shit on what you did, but I think it's actually pretty cool, so screw 'em.

I really liked your first scene with Melanie and Alan, it had a haunting feel to it. You got what their relationship was like just in two pages.

I liked your use of music in this as well, That's the stuff I meant where the Format Nazi's are gonna go batty with, but I think it sets the tone and mood of those scenes very well.

I was a bit confused with Cara's plan at first, it seemed kinda strange, but this is soulshadows, it should be strange, but it made sense in the end.

I thought the ending was great, it stayed in tune with the rest of the story.

Good job in this one.


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bert
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Umm...I sure don't remember those song links in the version I read, Mike.

It is kind of weird...but what the heck.  Why not?

Tanis breaks plenty of rules -- so I cannot complain -- and I am sure Cornetto's fancy cover pages send some members of the boards into spastic conniptions every time.

But there is a time to play -- which is what we are really doing with this series -- and bucking a few conventions is part of that, I suppose.  Rantings from the format police will probably fall upon deaf ears with the SoulShadows crew.

I am pretty happy with how this project has shaped up as a whole.  It is time to cook up some more, actually, and anybody interested in contributing should maybe drop Cornetto a PM.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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I just finished mine an hour ago, need to go through it before i submit it.

Again, I liked what mike did with the music, especially if you don't know those songs it helps with the mood.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

I donít much know anything about the whole soul shadows thing. I wasnít around when this stuff was being put together. So Iím just going to review this script as a stand alone piece.

I assume Tanis is a sort of crypt keeper character. I liked the Tales from the Crypt stories okay but I was surprised at how much fun such types of stories could be to read.

I like the title.

I like the story too. I would have liked to have known how Melanie died. I think it was a missed opportunity to deepen Alanís character. I wanted to see more of why Alan was so deeply grieving for Melanie.

A lot of good dialogue between Alan and Cara. Good job of sustaining interest and piquing curiosity for the reader.

The music was nice. I like Lawrence Welk. Iím glad we have people to keep that style of music from being forgotten. And it would be refreshing to have that type of music in a story.

A few technical things:

Do waitresses really jot down orders for two cups of coffee?

P8 - Cara calls Melanie Melissa.

P10 - He sits back in his sit - seat?

Popping a toothpick from a Swiss Army knife seemed strange. Maybe foreshadow that little habit earlier. I was thinking, huh?


Overall, it was a nice little story. I like that it concentrated on dramatic elements over horror, substance over gore, and placed characters to care about above horror. Good job.


Breanne



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Shelton
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Umm...I sure don't remember those song links in the version I read, Mike.


True.  I did a little bit of editing on it in the not so distant past. Idle hands and what not.


Quoted from bert
I am pretty happy with how this project has shaped up as a whole.  It is time to cook up some more, actually, and anybody interested in contributing should maybe drop Cornetto a PM.


I've already got something cooked up for another round if everyone decides to do it.


Quoted from Breanne
I donít much know anything about the whole soul shadows thing. I wasnít around when this stuff was being put together. So Iím just going to review this script as a stand alone piece.


The Soulshadows part is basically just the theme of the series on the whole.  each writer wrote a script that centered around a particular item in Tanis' collection.  In my case it was the Swiss Army Knife.  Outside of that, each script is a standalone piece.


Quoted from Breanne
I would have liked to have known how Melanie died. I think it was a missed opportunity to deepen Alanís character. I wanted to see more of why Alan was so deeply grieving for Melanie.


I toyed with this idea a little bit, but decided against since I didn't want to include a scene, and I wasn't quite sure if it was overly necessary to drop in dialogue.


Quoted from Breanne
The music was nice. I like Lawrence Welk. Iím glad we have people to keep that style of music from being forgotten. And it would be refreshing to have that type of music in a story.


Thank you for that.  It's definitely something that I don't normally do, but I figured since this was a little bit looser in terms of parameters, I'd pop it in there in the hopes that it would give it a different feel.


Quoted from Breanne
A few technical things:

Do waitresses really jot down orders for two cups of coffee?


Yes, this is does happen.  I frequent a few restaurants where the waitress writes down the order, however small it may be, and that ultimately ends up being the bill/receipt.


Quoted from Breanne
P8 - Cara calls Melanie Melissa.


Now that, is aggravating.


Quoted from Breanne
P10 - He sits back in his sit - seat?


Thanks for the catch.


Quoted from Breanne
Popping a toothpick from a Swiss Army knife seemed strange. Maybe foreshadow that little habit earlier. I was thinking, huh?


That makes sense. If I recall i had another nervous habit with him picking at his fingernail earlier on, but the consistency would be better suited.


Quoted from Breanne
Overall, it was a nice little story. I like that it concentrated on dramatic elements over horror, substance over gore, and placed characters to care about above horror. Good job.


Glad you liked it, and thanks for reading.




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GM
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

First off, the tale was good. I saw the arcs perfectly clear in Alan. I had a hunch of Cara's intention in the diner scene, which is a good foreshadowing for later in the car. I enjoyed that. Dialgoue was really good especially between Alan and Cara.

I don't mean to be rude but I get the sense that this piece should be called "M.I." rather than "Tonight you belong to me". I guess because of the repetition factor and it's conventional so I'm unsure if I should even suggest changing the title. Probably just me.  

I think the end block of dialgoue could be cut up with the scenes showing Alan's death. It'll be better visually, in my opinion.

The music didn't really bother me that much. It gives another dimension to the characters.

And Bert, nice job on tanis and with her scenes especially with the ending - the spinning record.

Gabe
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mcornetto
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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I gave it another read - seems like you added a bit since I last read it and moved somethings around.  Hasn't changed too much though - you still left that un-foreshadowed toothpick in there .  

I liked this little tragic story the first time I read it and I enjoyed it this time as well.  The URLs to the music didn't bother me in the least.  Well done Mike - this is probably the best script of the series so far.

And Bert, Tanis was on the mark.

And anyone else who wants to write the sixth Soulshadows episode (the last of the season) please speak up.  I tried to get Bert to write it but he doesn't seem to want to just yet.  What about Breanne?  Are you interested in writing an episode?  We need a sixth episode to complete series 1 so that we can continue on to series 2.   Somebody raise their hand, please.

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Shelton
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,

Thanks for looking at it.  Again in your case, Michael.

Gabe,

Your suggestion for a title would work, but I wanted something with a little more substance, so I decided to use one of the song titles included in the script.  For that reason, and also because I thought it kind of fit in with what was going on with Melanie that night.

When you say the last chunk of dialogue, do you mean the song?  It's probably a little sloppily written, but I envision it playing as the camera moved around the scene, showing the car, Alan, and then the carving on the tree.

Michael,

The slightest bit was added, mainly with the car scene between Cara and Alan, and a tiny bit in the opening scene between Alan and Melanie.

If I ever go back and rewrite this, I'll probably just switch the toothpick to him picking at his fingernail.  Keep it consistent.

Thanks again to both of you.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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stebrown
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, just read this. Really enjoyed it.

I like the whole day-dream part at the start, gave a good insight into how the relationship was and also the fact that he's still deep in grief and maybe a touch of denial?

I could tell early on that Cara was doing this for her own gain mainly, not sure if you wanted that to be clear early on or not. If you didn't I'd maybe look at having her a little better at hiding her intentions.

I didn't know how this was going to end, so good job with having an interesting climax to the story. I felt the jump from the car to the tree was a little too sudden though. Maybe just me.

The youtube links are a new one on me. I'm going to try to forget them otherwise my future scripts will have video links on them haha.

Deffo on board for another series too.


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Murphy
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
nd anyone else who wants to write the sixth Soulshadows episode (the last of the season) please speak up.  I tried to get Bert to write it but he doesn't seem to want to just yet.  What about Breanne?  Are you interested in writing an episode?  We need a sixth episode to complete series 1 so that we can continue on to series 2.   Somebody raise their hand, please.



Michael, If you would like me to I will, I know I let you down first time of asking but am in a much better position now and more importantly have the time to write something this weekend. Up to you.

Gary
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screenplay_novice
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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I liked how you linked M-I to everything. Pretty original. The character of Tanis is refreshing too! Beats the Crypt Keeper all to hell I read the Rice Children as well. Good stuff.

I enjoy these shorts. Excellent flow and good characters.

Very good job.


If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick!
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alffy
Posted: September 4th, 2008, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike

Loved the opening to this, it had a real twisted tale feel.  Then the jump to meeting room starts the story off.

I was intrigued by the letters thing, kinda got me wondering where you were going with that.  It kinda reminded me of the film 'number 23'.

Er, what's with the youtube links in the script?

I thought the characters were very strong. Alan comes across as a weak and unstable person, so Cara is able to manipulate him easily.  I thought her intentions were going to be more dark but wanting a date was a nice change.

I'm not sure what the 'x' on the tree signified, or was it just because Alan had crossed out Melanie's initials so he did his own?

Overall, I really liked this story and the writing was, as always, very strong.  The Tanis segment was good too.  A very good story from start to finish.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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