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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Keyboard Warrior Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 6th, 2009, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Keyboard Warrior by Arjun Miglani - Short, Comedy - He Will Dystroy You… On the Internet. 12 pages - pdf, format


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Tommyp
Posted: January 7th, 2009, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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Hello hello. Very funny script. Few small things...

-Kane's speech on page 4, and Max's last speech is too long. Split it up with something small, even if it's, "Kane takes a sip from a can of coke" in the middle of it. Just to give the old eyes a rest.

-At the start I don't understand why Max is annoyed...

-The interviewer should give a reason why he/she is there. Give it a touch more realism.

-End of page 1. 8 and a half lines of action. Too much. Try to stick to 4 or 5.

-I don't think Elaine would throw the phone away after she realises Max wasn't sending a message. Maybe just chuck it on the table? Also, having Kane pick up his phone and start "texting" straight after... it's a bit soon.

-Loved the 2 girls 1 cup reference. Loved all the dialogue actually. Some REALLY good stuff in there. Similar to The Office. Are you a fan? Or Curb.

This is the type of script I want to write. So well done.


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