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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  August Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 28th, 2009, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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August by Chip Casner - Comedy - August Dakers is an immature 29 year old alcoholic musician who rather be homeless than work for a living.  He finds love and faces his fears with the help of a witty and beautiful young college girl.   106 pages - fdr, format

August by Chip Casner - Comedy - August Dakers is an immature 29 year old alcoholic musician who rather be homeless than work for a living.  He finds love and faces his fears with the help of a witty and beautiful young college girl.   106 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  June 4th, 2009, 4:59pm
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personnumber123864
Posted: June 8th, 2009, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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good script. moves along quickly, the dialogue is natural and there's always something going on. nice job.
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August
Posted: June 10th, 2009, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, thanks for reading my script.  I appreciate the feedback.  I'm still working on finding live cats whom can sing in key and behave on stage.  The hissing tends to drown out my vocals!  -Chip Casner, writer
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bboots
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the job you did with character development. August was interesting and fun. The dialouge too was natural and entertaining.I felt you needed more of a story to compliment your writing skills. A protagonist with a specific goal and several hurdles holding him back. I didn't get that from this script. Match your writing skills with a unique well crafted story and you'll have something.
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playa
Posted: July 5th, 2009, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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I went into this really wanting to enjoy the script, I love the story and I made it to page 50 and had to stop. I'm sorry, but this is just awful! Nothing happens in this script! We follow August Draker from boring, eventless day to boring, eventless day. And I find it hard to like or sympathise with a protagonist who, let's face it, is pretty much a paedophile. His Father Murray song is completely sick, and not sick in a "grossly hilarious" kind of way, but in a "grossly terrible" kind of way.

Again, I'm sorry for the harsh comments. The story is brilliant and really could have worked, but this script (or this draft of the script, at least) is terrible.
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August
Posted: July 6th, 2009, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, what a great feedback!  Father Murray is an actual song of mine and was also one of my most requested when I was playing shows.  In the last verse the boy actually tracks down father murray and butchers him with a hunting knife.  The lyrics are certainly crude and offensive to some, however most enjoy it.  Thanks again for the honest response.  My life and my writings are dark, rated R,  and not for the sensitive or the Disney crowd!  
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playa
Posted: July 7th, 2009, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Okay, I forced myself to read the second half of this script, and I've gotta say... I was very wrong. This script is actually pretty good. Things really pick up when August gets arrested, and (without sounding too sappy) the ending really is beautiful. The cat song is kinda weird, but overall, this IS a damn good script. I guess it just takes a while to get going. I stand corrected, man. Well done.
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August
Posted: July 9th, 2009, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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Playa, thanks for reading the entire script.  August has a good heart however his alchoholism which was instilled by his dad at a very early age tends to hold him back.  He's a little weird, has a huge labido, and may come across as an uninteresting drunk until we see his vulnerable side toward the end.  I'm not sure  who could pull off August but I'd love to see Meagan Fox as Keely.  - Chip Casner, writer.
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playa
Posted: July 9th, 2009, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'd always imagined Johnny Depp as August- dunno what you'd make of that, but he always seems able to pull off strange parts. Anyway, I'm sorry I bashed the script at the start. And I see what you mean about Megan Fox for Keely.
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bitteroldman
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Personally, I think that the script needs a lot work.  It starts out WAY to slowly.  TEN PAGES.  That's what you get.  Sometimes you might get twenty, but that's it.  If you don't have us by then, what's to keep us from getting up and walking out???

The dialogue is WAY to predictable.  It's what you would expect to hear...from thirteen year old girls.  You cannot allow yourself to start sentences with the word 'so' as you did multiple times.  Be daring.  Write something we don't expect someone to say. Some of the comedy was clever, but the bad dialogue far outweighed it.  

Your action needs a lot of work too.  I find that to be the hardest thing for me to write, but at least I can tell myself that it doesn't cut the mustard and find a way to make it work.  Doing so usually takes several re-writes though, but I'm glad I did when I've finally done.  In it, you need a lot of mean in a bare bones kind of setting.  Ask yourself - can this be filmed?  We can't see what a person's thinking.  Have your characters do something that reflects what they are feeling, but be brief and to the point.

I give this story somewhere in the neighborhood of a 4.
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davejendras
Posted: September 28th, 2009, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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I'm with bitteroldman, this script is annoying. why would anyone want to be with an "immature alchoholic poor musician?" Oh right, because he's not a immature alchoholic poor musician. He's actually a pretty normal, good looking, sensitive guy its just that the screenwriter thinks its hipper and edgier to be "a drifter" or "unshaven." He wears worn out clothes, wow, he MUST be worthy of entire screenplay. Please write your next script about someone interesting, not yourself.
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August
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 3:36am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your honest feedback.  I'm sorry you hated the script and found it repulsive.  No worries, everyone has different tastes in movies.  It's my first script and was basically a memoir of when I was homeless back in 1997.  I have a lot of interest in the scirpt and it just placed in the top 10% at the Austin Film Festival and has advanced in another competition so I'm very excited.  Good luck and keep writing!  -the author
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