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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Africa Moderators: bert
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  Author    Africa  (currently 1431 views)
Posted: April 5th, 2010, 8:59pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Africa by Ash Quadir - Action, Adventure - A young American doctor flees her comfortable life to work with UNICEF to battle against Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) in Africa.  In her zeal to make a difference, she crosses swords with the dictatorship in power.  With the aid of a rebellious US diplomat, she tries to rescue a group of young girls from FGM, while exposing China’s insatiable appetite for African resources and also falling in love. 134 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: April 12th, 2010, 1:57pm Report to Moderator

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Hey, your logline is a mouthful, try to cut it out a little. made it thru the 1st ten pages but not a easy read. focus more on showing than telling. ex if the bomas are what you say they are, work it into the description and give us the name boma from dialog. when the girls play and their dads come, dont tell it, show it by the girls jumping in their arms, or the 2 men having a conversation and saying my daughter is turning into a woman, or he can say no daughter of mine should play games. i mean just an example. and the 135 pages is a turn off, for me anyway.
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