Range Road 100 by Eric Hansen - Short, Thriller - Something is slowly closing ground on Stephanie’s car. 6 pages - pdf, format

Hmm, a six pager with no dialogue whatsoever. Very difficult to pull off. And you didn't IMO. This lacked tension.

For six pages, it would be more intense if it were just her and the monster. Adding the injured man, the men in the truck. Just made it more confusing...

Why was she hurrying so in the beginning? Why did she act as if she understood the men in the truck??

The dog at the end could be a nice touch, if i were interested in the story anymore at that point. Sorry to say, I wasn't.

James

You beat me to it jwent6688,
It seemed like an episode of the twilight zone, but with no dialog. Nothing to keep you going.

More of a story, than a script. Nice story though, but you truley need (even if the person is talking to themselves) some dialog.

Shawn.....><

Quoted from jwent6688 Hmm, a six pager with no dialogue whatsoever. Very difficult to pull off. And you didn't IMO. This lacked tension. For six pages, it would be more intense if it were just her and the monster. Adding the injured man, the men in the truck. Just made it more confusing... Why was she hurrying so in the beginning? Why did she act as if she understood the men in the truck?? The dog at the end could be a nice touch, if i were interested in the story anymore at that point. Sorry to say, I wasn't. James

Thanks jwent6688 for the read.

Yeah, I wrote this script around the same time as Song so I guess I had this no dialogue thing going on. Lol.

Inregards to your comments, in my experience, you have two choices when it comes to shorts under 5 pages: one, you focus on character development through dialogue or two you put them in unsavory cercumstances and let them react to it. I always found the latter more interesting than the former because the latter guarentees action.

Spoilers***
1)She was hurring in her car because she was late for a recital. Also, I wanted to make her a little bit unlikable so I had her tailgate the car in front of her. Personally I hate tailgaters so that's why.  

2) The men in the truck had guns so it wouldn't make sense for her to ignore their motions to leave the car.

I am sorry you didn't like it but I appreciate your feedback.

Inquiringmind...

You have some issues with this.  Some parts are okay but the majority of the writing is cluttered, lots of passive verbiage.  Lots of redundancies.  For six pages, it took a little bit to get through this.  

I'll get to the story shortly.  I'll skip the title page.

Page#1... you have no good reason not to introduce your main character in the second scene.  Not like there's any cloak and dagger stuff.  Heck, you show us her features, yet two scenes later when you put us back inside her car, you finally, introduce her as Stephanie Mcarthur.   (If I'm wrong then please correct me)

You missed spelled tale gating.  I believe it's tail...

"The woman, STEPHANIE MCARTHUR, increases her speed to make up for lost time.  As she does, she almost loses control of the car.  Now how are we suppose to know this?

You want your writing to be strong, get rid of all those, "Orhans."   "Stephanie increases her speed, almost looses control."   I got rid of all the things taking up space.  Even car; why?  Redundant. Besides you've already established this fact.

page#2... very first action line... spacing issues.  "Stephanie leaves the car."  leave is a tricky word.  It could mean several things.  Stephanie gets out of the car.  Because to be honest... she never really leaves it.

Most of your mini slugs, i'd get rid of, personally.

100 YARDS AWAY

Somewhere down the road, behind the stalled car, SOMETHING is slowly closing ground of Stephanie's car.  I assume the stalled car, you're referring to is Stephanie's right?  If you get rid of the orhans, it reads much stronger.

One hundred yards down the road, SOMETHING closes ground on Stephanie's car.  But this is just ghost.  This is your script, so fair enough.

It seems like you rushed this.  A few more typo's.  I wouldn't CAP another.

Your story, it's kind of a jumbled mess, as it stands now.   I also agree with jwent6688.   I'd just focus more on Stephanie and the creature.  When you re-write this, if you do, flesh out the story a little more.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

Thanks GW for the read. Your feedback was very informative. Some of it was good and other parts I disagree with. Art is art.  

Quoted Text You have some issues with this.  Some parts are okay but the majority of the writing is cluttered, lots of passive verbiage.  Lots of redundancies.  For six pages, it took a little bit to get through this.

Understood. I can always work on this in my later drafts. Thanks.

Quoted Text Page#1... you have no good reason not to introduce your main character in the second scene.  Not like there's any cloak and dagger stuff.  Heck, you show us her features, yet two scenes later when you put us back inside her car, you finally, introduce her as Stephanie Mcarthur.   (If I'm wrong then please correct me)

Point taken.

Quoted Text "The woman, STEPHANIE MCARTHUR, increases her speed to make up for lost time.  As she does, she almost loses control of the car.  Now how are we suppose to know this?

This is an unfilmable, but IMHO the concept is an unwarrented objection, since a screenplay is an actors blue print as much as it is the directors.

A direction in backstory, motivation, and thought, is a direction in acting. You can see acting on screen.  

Quoted Text You want your writing to be strong, get rid of all those, "Orhans."   "Stephanie increases her speed, almost looses control."   I got rid of all the things taking up space.  Even car; why?  Redundant. Besides you've already established this fact.

You lost me. What's an orhan?

Quoted Text page#2... very first action line... spacing issues.  "Stephanie leaves the car."  leave is a tricky word.  It could mean several things.  Stephanie gets out of the car.  Because to be honest... she never really leaves it.

She does not leave it indefinately but she does leave it temporarily. Doesn't the context of the scene describe what it means?

Quoted Text Somewhere down the road, behind the stalled car, SOMETHING is slowly closing ground of Stephanie's car.  I assume the stalled car, you're referring to is Stephanie's right?  If you get rid of the orhans, it reads much stronger. One hundred yards down the road, SOMETHING closes ground on Stephanie's car.  But this is just ghost.  This is your script, so fair enough.

The description could read smoother. I will need to work closely with an editor to have any hope of making it.  

Quoted Text Your story, it's kind of a jumbled mess, as it stands now.   I also agree with jwent6688.   I'd just focus more on Stephanie and the creature.  When you re-write this, if you do, flesh out the story a little more.

Sorry you didn't like it but there was never a point in the story where the creature was not the focus. The creature is always the focus even though I don't tell you how.

I wanted there to be an aura of mystery and make the reader do some of the work. Based on the answers I think I acheived that. However I would have liked better reviews but sometimes that is how the dice rolls.

Thanks again for your honest feedback. I will work on the script some more.

Quoted from Inquiringmind You lost me. What's an orhan?

He means, "orphans", and you do have a few.

It is a line with one, single, lonely word on it -- and they can usually be done away with by creative editing, or deleting a word or two from the sentence on the previous line.

For example, on page 2, near the top, see how "engine" is all alone.  You could say, "Nothing seems wrong." and leave it at that.  Reduce the line -- kill the orphan.

On that same page, "happens" is another orphan.  Frankly, I would lose that whole sentence there -- and again, orphan gone, save a line.

Orphans are not the largest transgression you can commit in screenwriting, but you would be well served to be aware of them, and lose them when you can.

The problem is that it's just not well written.

There are tons and tons of mistakes, typos, really awkward phrasing, tons of redundancies, unfilmable asides, etc.

Too bad, too, cause I kinda liked it actually, at least in terms of its potential.

Don't like or really get the end, or even the conclusion to what went down here, but it seems to have some potential in here...even kinda like the fact that there's only 1 line of dialogue (which is totally incorrectly formatted).

So, I'd say clean it up and see what it turns into.

Quoted from bert Orphans are not the largest transgression you can commit in screenwriting, but you would be well served to be aware of them, and lose them when you can.

Bert speaks the truth. Personally, I like to tweak the margins a bit to get rid of those damn orphans. Just don't overdo it.

Hey Dreamscale,  this is my first draft, so I hope to address some of the issues people had with the script. All and all I am optimistic because you guys are helping me make this a better short.

Sniper I agree with bert too. I am a little more flexible when it comes to writting but I must learn to let go of the need to defend my work.

Thanks for the read sniper.

Quoted from Inquiringmind ...this is my first draft, so I hope to address some of the issues people had with the script. All and all I am optimistic because you guys are helping me make this a better short.

H there - yeah, I know what this feels like, but then I do agree with much of what has been said. I like to use the feedback sandwich, so I'll go for something good, something bad, something good.

Good - Idea, I think. When I'm trying to think of what you are trying to do in this, then I think the creative behind it has a point, and as a short it could work.

Bad - Well, by now you know there is a lot, so this is a meaty sandwich. But I'm not going to go over everything that has been said here already. For my part, I really found there was a lack of attention to detail, and I think, in this area, attention to detail is what can make or break a script. Stephanie also shows little emotion at any time - these events would freak most people to the state of stupour. Without the dialogue, the script began to look more like a forensic statement of events: we read, we knew; at no point did we care.

Good - I have to be lateral here: I've also read 'The Song' and know that it does get better...

Best of luck to you.
Simon

Good luck with your rewrite.  Hopefully you'll get rid of that logline underneath your title.  But, as long as you're giving us spoilers...

1.  what exactly was the invisible thing?
2.  Who were the guys in the truck?
3.  What happened at the end there with the dog?

I gottta know.  

You were building up to something in this story; I couldn't see exactly what, though.

I agree about the orphans.  They makes the script that much longer; with a litle work, you can cut the length by a page or two.


Phil