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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Dumb Animals
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  Author    OWC - Dumb Animals  (currently 5012 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dumb Animals by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A corporate representative conflicts with the farmer and makes some disturbing discoveries when she inspects a distinctive farm. - pdf, format


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Don
Dumb Animals by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A corporate representative conflicts with the farmer and makes some disturbing discoveries when she inspects a distinctive farm. - pdf, format


I won't read a script called

Dumb Animals

No respect.

Loved the snow spit into the seal's mouth in whatever script that was. There's respect.

Sorry but no on this one,

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Ryan1
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely the best of the bunch i've read so far.  The writer put a lot of thought into this one.  I like how it began as an afternoon out in the country and descended into a dystopian nightmare.  I also appreciate how the actual farming process was well and convincingly explained.  Believable characters,  good dialogue and a solid concept.

The ethical question at the crux of this challenge is taken head on.  Good job.
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Ryan1
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


I won't read a script called

Dumb Animals

No respect.

Loved the snow spit into the seal's mouth in whatever script that was. There's respect.

Sorry but no on this one,

Sandra


Sandra, you should give this one a chance.  The title is deliberately misleading.

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Ryan1


Sandra, you should give this one a chance.  The title is deliberately misleading.



I will because you told me so.

Just goes to show you though how a title can make or break.

I'll read this tomorrow. Thanks Ryan.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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My navigator says "arriving at destination" (I had three and all three say that, no "you")

What's an E.P.?

Is that a mistake "The animals are base, uncivilized, unintelligent, mostly female humans."?

Ok, it's all clear now. The premise is interesting but it dragged a bit as I read on. I think there's very little conflict in it. You provide a lot of visuals but I don't see what they led up to - the fight, castrated baby male...- if this is to show how they arrived at "this is inhumane" - I don't think it's enough. For them this is the way of life, crying of humans for them is the same as animal's for us. In other words it's kind of sudden when she starts feeling pity for them. In My Opinion, of course.

The set up is akin to the Planet Of The Apes. Good set up, but I think could be rewritten for clarity. And for the better build up.
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greg
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I'm not sure I completely "got" the ending but here goes: Since the boy was "aware" of his surroundings and able to mentally function, that means that the farming of humans, or processed meat, is inhuman and cruel, which is kind of like what the hardcore vegans are arguing.  Am I reading that right?  Well, if not, it was still an interesting read.

I, too, was thinking Planet of the Apes while reading this with the way you described basically the farming of human beings.  Pretty nice imagery in here.

Dragged a bit in areas but an intriguing interpretation nevertheless.  Nice creativity and good job.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 12:15am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from khamanna
My navigator says "arriving at destination" (I had three and all three say that, no "you")

What's an E.P.?

Is that a mistake "The animals are base, uncivilized, unintelligent, mostly female humans."?

Ok, it's all clear now. The premise is interesting but it dragged a bit as I read on. I think there's very little conflict in it. You provide a lot of visuals but I don't see what they led up to - the fight, castrated baby male...- if this is to show how they arrived at "this is inhumane" - I don't think it's enough. For them this is the way of life, crying of humans for them is the same as animal's for us. In other words it's kind of sudden when she starts feeling pity for them. In My Opinion, of course.

The set up is akin to the Planet Of The Apes. Good set up, but I think could be rewritten for clarity. And for the better build up.



Quoted from greg
I'm not sure I completely "got" the ending but here goes: Since the boy was "aware" of his surroundings and able to mentally function, that means that the farming of humans, or processed meat, is inhuman and cruel, which is kind of like what the hardcore vegans are arguing.  Am I reading that right?  Well, if not, it was still an interesting read.

I, too, was thinking Planet of the Apes while reading this with the way you described basically the farming of human beings.  Pretty nice imagery in here.

Dragged a bit in areas but an intriguing interpretation nevertheless.  Nice creativity and good job.


I haven't read this yet, but two folks don't lie. (Unless they're in cahoots.)  

They're seeing Planet of the Apes imagery and so maybe you should go with that? Might be an idea.

I promise I will read this later. If something happens and I get caught up, just shoot me in the chest with a beam of white light. It'll do me good!!!  

Good going everyone. I'm not disappointed in this OWC. So far, I actually feel like you guys should be proud of your work. I've read about nine so far. Not a lot maybe, but numbers are as good as Aunt Gracie.

Ask Rev. He'll tell you.

Love,

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

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Sandra Elstree.  -  May 18th, 2010, 12:26am
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screenrider
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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This was definitely a serious entry, so I give the writer credit for that.  Seemed more like sci-fi, though.  Reminded me of Soylent Green.  Very depressing either way.  Excellent formatting, easy read.  

Very well done.  

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Sandra Elstree.  -  May 23rd, 2010, 7:26pm
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JCShadow
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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This is the second one out of the 5 or 6 I have read and really enjoyed. There is definitely some unanswered questions that could have been tied up and the ending felt a little rushed.

An easy and enjoyable read overall.


The Door (Horror/Thriller) - 116 Pages

Currently Working On:
The Devil's Brigade
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Trojan
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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Yeah I thought this was a good solid story. Wasn't much of a carnivore/vegan debate going on, but in the context of the story I think it works. From the title and logline I could basically guess what the premise was going to be, maybe could be hidden a bit better.

I wasn't sure why they didn't just use regular farm animals anymore. Are they extinct now? Or was it because the quality of meat/protein from people is that much higher? I couldn't help thinking, what kind of government is going to allow these pratices to take place? But this is more of a sci-fi story I guess so didn't have too much of a problem with it.

I thought one of the highlights was your characters, particularly Blake and Julie. Of all the scripts I've read so far this one had the most believable and well-rounded characters. Maybe a few people were a bit unclear on a few things with the ending, but I had no problem understanding what was going on. I think it worked well.

If I was being picky, there are a few places that could do with a polish and there's a few missing commas and things of that nature. Minor complaint though. Overall good job, definitely one of the best so far.

Cheers,
Tim.
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c m hall
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 9:13am Report to Moderator
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Thoughtful but awfully heavy handed.  Disappointing.
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grademan
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. The creativity and work that went into this alternate reality was excellent for one week. I expected Neo to walk out of the shed and say "They're more than just copper tops". A bit heavy handed.  Refreshing to read an entry that took the challenge requirements as intended. In my mind at least.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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I also liked this one for the most part.

Concept-wise, it's easily the best, IMO.  Even the visuals are pretty good, so finally we don't have the old talking heads sitting around.

The biggest issue is the writing itself here.  Alot of really awkward phrasing.  Horrible lack of commas throughout which actually make the read rather confusing in places.

I actually wish this was a bit longer and a bit deeper also, but I did enjoy the ideas here.  Definitely a POTA vibe going on here.

Good effort!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Angry Bear
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. I think you have some experience or knowledge of farming. If not, you did enough research to make the process seem real.

Good writing. Good story. Good characters. I did feel sorry for Delwin though having to help, but that's part of farm life too. You learn about the birds and the bees before you can talk as well as the uglier side of farming.

My only gripe here would be the farming of humans. Not because of ethical reasons. This is just a story, but rather the fact that humans take a very long time to grow up. A cow for example can be fully grown by age two. A 2 yo human is still a toddler and not much meat on those.

Anyway, good work here.  


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