Hail the Cabbieby Martian Cox (emcee) - Short, Drama - When Josh hails a cab, he gets the ride of his life. - pdf, format

script removed.

Martin, fine work here. Very nice...



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Loved the reference to the Southern Belle being one of his ladies. Dialogue was spot. Action sentences we're a little long for me. Could be tiresome to read in anything longer, though you do write them with admirable style.

Lotsa typos in this one. could of done better on that.

The story was predictable. The delivery was what made it for me. I still wasn't sure whether or not Josh's girlfriend was Bob's wife. That wasn't clear. If not, it was odd for him to stop and pick up a fare.

Fan of your work. Job well done. Hope you get more reads on this one. Stop talking all funny like when you review others. They'll come around.

James

Nice twists at the end there.  Didn't see them coming.  As jwent mentioned, you should go back and polish out the typos.  Otherwise, good dialogue throughout.

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So, like the cabbie's wife was in the trunk?

Fairly engaging. The dialogue was good enough that I could just skip all the action.

There is something nagging, though. Like something was missing from the ending, a meaning to it. Bob says something akin to be careful what you wish for. What if Josh entered the cab with more zeal about what he needed to do? Instead of Josh being passive and Bob being jovial, what if they both had the same goal in mind and were intent on carrying it out, then they bumped into each other. The difference is Bob is REALLY serious and Josh just THINKS he's serious. That would make the "careful what you wish for" moment have more impact.

Hey, I have to say that I enjoyed it. I liked it.

The dialogue is definitely the highlight of the script. Although it's mostly talking heads inside the cab, you managed to give us some visuals (e.g. lighting the cigarettes, visuals from the rear mirror, etc.) as well.

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I liked the twist that the driver's gonna kill himself. But one questions is: why did Bob even try to pick up Josh? Bob could've just driven by him without stopping. Right now I feel Bob was trying to have someone (Josh) die with him. How unsympathetic.

But anyway, this is a good script. Thanks for the read.

Hey guys.....generally....

Sorry for the late response. My email has been b****red recently so I couldn't communicate. Even had to change my chat name to 'Chelsea'

Anyhow, thank you so much for the positive comments. I really needed a confidence boost and you guys provided it right on cue. Once again many thanks.

Now individually:

James.

I always revere your comments. Concise, clear and from the heart. Thank you.

I'm kicking myself up the ass about the typos. Normally I'm pretty good, but at the moment I seem to be taking one step forward and two back. I will improve!!

Sorry if I didn't make it clear that it was Bob's wife " that's the wife.... well actually my wife". I need to nail lines like that.

Bob stopped to pick up Josh purely because of happenstance or serendipity, I'm not sure what the correct term is but fate or something brings people of the same ilk together for the strangest of reasons.

Took your last point on board. Trying to be clever and cute. Ended up being clumsy and annoying. The new leaf has been truly turned over.

Ryan hi.

Thanks for the read and positive comments.

Hey Clorox.

Thanks for your comments which I think are absolutely spot on. This was the whole point of the script. Josh was an a**hole with a big mouth while Bob was deadly serious.

I probably need to re-visit the script to drive that fact home more definitely.

With the line "I believe that in life you get either what you wish for or what you deserve. Sometimes they're the same thing." I wanted to sum up the total conversation between the two characters. And indicate that in his darkest deepest hour Bob did have some semblance of power over others.

Hey Herman.

Thanks for your comments.

I  really aimed for the sympathy for Bob to dissipate as he was actually playing God within his own suicide, taking down a cheating wife and a well-to-do brat.

I hope I've answered why Bob picked up Josh in the first place to your satisfaction above.

If you guys have anything I can read please just let me know and thanks again.

Chelsea (nee Emcee)

Good story.  But I would have Bob mention to Josh that he looked a lot like his best friend or at least dressed like him.  Since Bob couldn't kill his friend (supposedly), Josh made a nice substitute.

Then Bob could mention that they seemed fated to meet since their stories are the opposites of one another.  

Hey Richcraft.

I love it when someone comes up with something I never even considered. Great!!

Thanks for the read and comments which I will certainly keep in mind.

Best. Martin.

This had potential, yet it ended in a predictable way.

The descriptions of the character Bob and Josh were bland. I would rather see their emotional state rather than a wardrobe. By presenting us their state of mind we can imagine the clothing they may wear.

Found the dialogue to be quite similar between the two characters. Not much distinction. Also, the dialogue of Josh was not believable. So much cussing for such a high class professional as he was did not fit.

I also found some of the writing asking us to look into the minds of the characters, and as some might suggest here at SS that is not film-able.

Overall, just so-so for me. Needs a better twist ending and distinctions between characters.

Hey Spencerforhire.

Thanks for the read. Sorry it was not quite your taste. Good to see it has some potential though.

I've actually worked with 'Josh Types' and have found them to have some of the foulest mouths around, particularly the more spoilt-brat ones.

One thing I did find a little confusing is that that you state "by presenting us their state of mind we can imagine the clothing they wear". Not quite clear on that one.

Then "I also found that some of the writing asking us to look into the minds of the characters, and as some might suggest here at SS that is not film-able".

I'm still fairly new at this juncture and have probably missed some very salient points for which I apologize.

Even so, thanks for the read and I hope my next effort is more to your taste.

Best

Martin.

Keep writing Martin!

Writing is how we become better. I need to take my own advice at times. Oh to be perfect.

So what I meant by looking into the mind of the character might go like this:

JOSH (mid thirties) chiseled features and immaculate wardrobe multi-tasks as he dips into the cab flustered by a text message on his iPhone.

"Immaculate Wardrobe" says it all about what he wears and it was done in two words.  "Flustered by a text message" lets us know his state of mind. He is distracted, frustrated by something, and carrying that on his mind.

Alright lets take this action; Bob studies Josh in the rearview mirror. Smiles with his eyes.

We can see Bob study Josh in the rearview, we can not see him physically smile with his eyes. You could easily remove the second sentence and the story would not lose anything.

Hope my review helps.

I have learned at another screenplay site how to offer critiques that are useful. To white wash a story is not useful. The best help one could offer is to give honest (useful) feedback so the write can improve and feel devastated and crushed by others.

As I said, overall your story has much potential.

Hey Spencerforhire.

Of course your review helps. Every one does .

I now know where you're coming from and can really see your point.

I'm gonna sit down and think about a re-write on this one.

One point I will disagree on is that people can smile with their eyes. I teach people how to do that.

But sincerely thanks for your time and positive comments.

Best, Martin.

I liked it, but my main problem was with the Bob's decision to pick up Josh while he was going to kill himself and his wife. There is no motivation in that. You'll never allow a third person to come near to you when you are going to kill someone. I agree with the person who recommended to show the similarity between Josh and his friend. It gives Bob a motivation to stop and pick up Josh. That's what I call fate; he found a guy similar to his friend and thought of killing that innocent person. Adds more depth to Bob's character.

Martin, you're very welcome.  I tend to suffer from the Frasier syndrome.  I can seem to help other writers with their problems, but I can't seem to fix my own scripts.

I believe the official police term for murdering a similar person is called the substitute murder syndrome.  This is more common than people believe.  Most murderers still love the person they want to kill, but their anger builds up to the point of finding someone else as their victim.

Hey Naviobb>

Thanks so much for the read and positive comments.

I now hear the horns blaring and see the neon sign flashing "REWRITE!"

Thanks once again and if I can return the compliment, p,ease let me know.

Best..Martin.