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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  19 Percent
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  Author    19 Percent  (currently 2823 views)
Don
Posted: December 8th, 2010, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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19 Percent by Darren J Seeley - Short, Comedy - Spoiled food and a wild night of drinking result in two unlikely buddies to save Thanksgiving from going real foul.  30 pages

- pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 20th, 2010, 9:22pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 8th, 2010, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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For some insight how this came about see : Ray W's Magnificent Electric yet Newsy Exercise



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 8th, 2010, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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The script link doesn't work.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 8th, 2010, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
The script link doesn't work.

Yes. It's the first thing I noticed. I PMd the Mod.
What happened is that I made some corrections, and uploaded it to my blogsite; the new upload changed the URL though.

I re-submitted to the que, and while the img was put up, the old link remained.


Note: the link above is fixed. Thanks Don.
-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  December 8th, 2010, 10:55pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 16th, 2010, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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I bump myself. I need reviews.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 17th, 2010, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Darren,

I gave this a read. It moves along pretty well.
The family has some nifty quirks, this is a pretty fluid read.
It has some wacky qualities, but overall it didn't quite come together for me.
I think the main problem is the dinner table scene.
It didn't sufficiently wrap up the story for me, the 19% thing never came back into play.
Jewel's eco tendencies kinda took a back seat until she spouted at the table.
That part didn't feel right, I would have like to see her do more and talk less in the end.
The supermarket scene was pretty out there, a bit out of place at times.
It felt like a Thanksgiving Apocalypse scene, unless that's what you wanted.
I liked how this started, but it went a different way than I thought.
Cleaning up the drunks and letting mom and eco girl do the shopping might be better.
Jewel and family kinda get lost in the middle, and the story suffers for it.
Your writing style lends itself to horror and action. Here, its a bit choppy.
For me, I prefer a bit more flow in the description when it comes to comedy.

You have some nice imagery and lines here, slivers of fun characters too.
At the end though, I felt it was more about mechanics than characters.
It's a good effort and a nice departure from your other material.

Thanks for posting and keep writing! You got your bump. =p

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 19th, 2011, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren
I really liked this.  I thought it was cute and funny, and I actually had a few chuckles throughout.

I think you could really tighten this up though.  I also think you need to cut a few characters, or make this a feature, because as it stands right now, it seems spread a little thin.  You establish each character pretty well, so we get an idea of who that character is, but some of the characters still feel useless, you know?  Like Jewel.  We got her character pretty quickly (in comedies like this I think it's fine to have one dimensional characters, it helps move things along, so I thought Jewel was fine.), but then you forced this daddy-issue thing in at the end with her and Nick and it honestly came out of nowhere.  If this were a feature, you could actually flesh that out, but as a short, that's hard to do.

I think if you want to keep this a short, you need to focus it more on Nick.  The way your script is set up now, no one really has the focus.  It starts out with Penny and Jewel (a cute funny scene btw) and that sets up the expectation thatw e'll follow them around, but we don't.  I think Nick would be your best bet as a central character, who ties everyone together.  Arrange you script so that it starts with Nick, and then maybe give the rest of the characters stories in an episodic fashion.

Like, Nick wakes up, it's a calm morning, he has a nice cup of coffee, then gets a frantic phone call from Penny.  He tells her to calm down, and explain what happened, and then you start Penny's story, explaining how Jewel was on this green kick and unplugged the *Refrigerator* (you spelled it wrong in your script) and now there was no food and the house reaked, etc.

then have him call Taylor, tell Taylors story of his wild night, etc.

I do think you could pretty easily turn this into a fun Thanksgiving family feature though, by the way.

Hope this was helpful, thanks for the review!

-Tyler


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 20th, 2011, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Every review of any script is helpful in some way, shape or form.
Cutting a few characters has been suggested before (from other sites) but it's always a debate as to who I should cut.

"refridgerator, refrigerator!..."

In your PM, you said you couldn't find the thread. I myself had to google my name and the name of the script. (Don't try that at home kids...) So I checked my links on the "Posters" and the "List of scripts you have on SS" threads in the Get To Know You. Sure enough, both linked to my blogsite...to a draft I had taken down a few days ago. That was a draft where refrigerator was spelled wrong and the corrected spelling was on the script hosted on the SS site. See, I kept updating- but with each new update the URL changed slightly (as seen above) so there was an issue with links.

I'm not out of the woods yet; the PDF on SS has some orphan issues. Not sure how that happened; it's been awhile....anyway...moving on.

"could make a nice feature'
Might. Much more easier to film than some of my horrors I would think...but then I would have to rethink the script itself...and that could lead to choas. But I'm sort of happy that I get a pair of eyes on this short as it gives me things to think about. After the last OWC, I been a little burned out and I need to think happy thoughts.

Good luck to me.

Anyway, thanks for your feedback. I'm weighing the scales on this.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Dressel
Posted: April 20th, 2011, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Darren,

I'm honestly surprised you're not getting more reads on this, as you seem to be a pretty active member on the boards.  Because of that, I thought I'd crack open your script.

Unfortunately, after reading what others have written thus far, I don't have anything new to bring to the table (heh). I agree with Hig...you need to go one of two ways: make this a feature or take it to the chopping block.  As it stands right now, it reads like the first act to a feature.  You take quite a bit of time setting everything up with very little pay-off in the end.  That isn't to say that you don't do a good job of setting things up, but because it's a short, there are times when it feels like we're kind of mulling about.  There are times when the story feels kind of stagnant because of this.  I agree with Brett that the dinner scene felt underdeveloped and didn't provide the appropriate punch.

I should note, however, that your dialogue is excellent.  It felt kind of choppy for the first couple of pages (with Jewel and Penny), but then it became much cleaner.  The characters are fun too, although I would change Nick up a little bit, as he seemed to lack any definable personality.

Good luck on further drafts.

-Matt


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 20th, 2011, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dressel
Darren,

I'm honestly surprised you're not getting more reads on this, as you seem to be a pretty active member on the boards.  Because of that, I thought I'd crack open your script.


There's a number of reasons for this. One, this particular script thread was all but buried and until the other day, I linked to a draft of the script but not the thread itself. (in the 'Getting To Know You' section as mentioned above). This was an oversight on my part. It has since been corrected.

Second, I have quite a list of submissions on SS. It's not everything I have written to date. But because I have a bit of stuff around here, some things get read some do not. Most of the stuff that does gets read within a few weeks of the posting and then (like others) there's a bit of a fall off. I have other sites where I read and review as well- so I have more feedback on 19 and other sps big and small in those places too.

Third, some folks use a slight bit of caution when it comes to me, as there have been a few minor issues with me and other regs. Those minor issues have been talked about, debated and resolved. Still, a few use caution. In addition, there may or may not be other folks to get to.

Back to the script here.
I didn't expect another read so soon (and I got another PM from another member saying they will read it as well) because, as I said above, when I looked at the pdf here, there were a few orphan issues that made me cringe. I'll wait 'til that other reviewer filters in, and then I'll revise it and re-submit as well as resub and/or zap off a few others off site.

Thanks for your time.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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