Just Coffee by Matthew Dressel (dressel) - Short - A customer angers the assistant manager at a diner when he takes advantage of the restaurant's "Free Refill" policy. 13 pages - pdf, format

++++++++++++++

Matthew sent me a note that Just Coffee has been produced. He directed it himself.

It was featured prominently on SS and went through the critique process there as well.  It's making the rounds at festivals right now, but eventually I'll put it up for all to see.

Just Coffee (2018 Comedy Short) from Matthew Dressel on Vimeo.

Thanks for posting this, Don.

I was going through my old files the other day when I came across this script I had completely forgotten about.  I read through it and thought it had some promise, so I polished it up and sent it in.

Any feedback you guys have would be much appreciated.

I hate to say it, Matt, but this one kinda fell flat for me.  I guess it's because you set the bar super- high with "Give Me a Break".  Plus you didn't capitalize "employee" when first intro'd.   Totally unforgivable.  (kidding)    The writing flowed well, though.    I'm sure there's plenty who'll get a kick out of it.   For me, it was just so-so.

I'll disagree with screen. This was an enjoyable read. A tad long for what you serve up at the end, 'cos it is effectively a skit. A good skit, however. Some lovely touches in there, particularly Frank and the name badge. Enjoyed it and that's surely the best thing any writer can get from their work.

This seemed like a SNL skit. Good read.

I would have kept the waitresses still in and be a part of the betting. lol. That'll get Frank mad.

Wouldn't the old guy be hype as hell off the amount of coffee he drank?

Hope this helps.
Gabe

Quoted from screenrider I hate to say it, Matt, but this one kinda fell flat for me.

Aw man, sorry to hear that.

Quoted from screenrider Plus you didn't capitalize "employee" when first intro'd.

Unless they're a character with dialogue, you don't have to capitalize their intro (or at least that's what I was taught).

Quoted from Andrew Allen I'll disagree with screen. This was an enjoyable read. A tad long for what you serve up at the end, 'cos it is effectively a skit. A good skit, however. Some lovely touches in there, particularly Frank and the name badge. Enjoyed it and that's surely the best thing any writer can get from their work.

Thanks Andrew.  Yeah, I think I could stand to trim off a couple pages, make it a lean 10.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley This seemed like a SNL skit. Good read.

Thanks.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley I would have kept the waitresses still in and be a part of the betting. lol. That'll get Frank mad.

Yeah, actually, I was thinking of making it so she never has to leave and then having her take over Jacob's role in the end.  It struck me, after reading it again, that it's kind of late to introduce a new character.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley Wouldn't the old guy be hype as hell off the amount of coffee he drank?

When you're addicted to coffee, like me, it really ceased to have that effect on you.  A coffee addiction simply creates a new baseline for your relaxed/alert stage, and drinking the coffee brings you back up to that state.  When you deprive yourself of coffee, you dip below your new baseline, hence the headaches and all that.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

Quoted from Dressel Aw man, sorry to hear that.

It's okay man.   Don't be sorry.

Quoted from Andrew I'll disagree with screen.

And you really felt the need to make a point of that?

Quoted from Dressel Hey, let's keep that off my thread, please.

Sorry.

Quoted from screenrider And you really felt the need to make a point of that?

Hey, let's keep that off my thread, please.

I wouldn't say that the watriess should take over Frank's job but, just have her there off duty betting along with her other co-workers would be really funny. lol. I mean Frank says she should have told him to leave. Just a suggestion.

Gabe

My one and only incursion on Dres' wishes...

Screen, don't make me use the American version of "geezer" on you

Sorry Matt. Happy scripting.

This was paced very well and has a very nice flow to it - it's always fun to read something that just flows.

I thought that you based it on Hemingway's A Clean Well-Lighted Place. It's not which is fine.

I really liked the beginning and the middle of it. Gerald refilling for free is funny and is kind of unexpected. Then people started betting on his drinking coffee - which is fun too. Up until it became about Jacob and Gerald promising him to eat rolls --that is a bit out of blue for me.
Also, at the end I thought that Frank would just fire Jacob - he's being too kind to Jacob otherwise.

Quoted from khamanna This was paced very well and has a very nice flow to it - it's always fun to read something that just flows.

Thanks for giving it a read.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from khamanna I thought that you based it on Hemingway's A Clean Well-Lighted Place. It's not which is fine.

Nope, never read it.  I do, on the whole, like Hemingway though.

Quoted from khamanna Up until it became about Jacob and Gerald promising him to eat rolls --that is a bit out of blue for me.

It was supposed to be kind of a wink that Gerald was staying and now he was going to try to eat a bunch of rolls, just like he drank a bunch of coffee.  Moreso it was supposed to just dig at Frank.

Quoted from khamanna Also, at the end I thought that Frank would just fire Jacob - he's being too kind to Jacob otherwise.

I wanted to give off the impression that Frank was the kind of "boss" who acted bigger than he was.  In reality, Frank doesn't really have much power as an Asst. Manager.  This is evidenced by the scene where everyone talks about who outranks him, and how no one really listens to him.  I should make this more evident though.

Thanks again for the read!

I thought this ran on too bit.  Given what it's about, I'd cut it down to six or eight pages.

I was expecting a zany pay off from this; it fell kind of flat.  You started building something with the employee pool.  Then you ended it.

I'd give this a rewrite.  And redo the ending.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I thought this ran on too bit.  Given what it's about, I'd cut it down to six or eight pages.

Yeah, it seems to be that's the common consensus.  I think it'll probably be around 8 when I'm done trimming the fat.

Quoted from dogglebe I was expecting a zany pay off from this; it fell kind of flat.  You started building something with the employee pool.  Then you ended it.

I think I know why it comes off a little flat, after reading it over again.  We have no stake in Jacob as a character.  I think I need to carry Marie the whole way through and create a new ending that involves her.

Quoted from dogglebe I'd give this a rewrite.  And redo the ending. Hope this helps.

It does.  Thanks for taking the time to read it, Phil.

Matt.

For a 12 page skit, I have to say this read like butter.
Some of the fastest pages I've read in a while.
I like the set up, but the ending does not do it justice.
I didn't see why the waitress we started with had to go home.
Why switch gears and give us new waitstaff to continue the tale.
I think there's a way to link those two characters through circumstance.
Perhaps through idle chat, the first waitress talks of a bill due or debt.
Then the betting pool ensues and she and Gerald are now connected.
Something along those lines could build some drama and urgency for you.

This is a very pleasant read, but we don't have anyone to really root for.
I look forward to seeing where you take this in a new draft.

Thanks for posting and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.