Runaway by Bryson G - Short, Horror, Thriller, Drama - An African slave has escaped his plantation and now must navigate the Alabama woods. But, he'll have to get past two slave catchers, and his dashing, yet vicious overseer, Remy Jourdaine, to reach his freedom.   11 pages - pdf, format

Bryson...

Quick notes;  

I think footsteps is one word.

" Remember," not "remeber."

Just a few typos I caught.  I'm sure I missed some.

"ing's," i'd cutback on some of those as well.

"He falls to the floor," maybe ground or grass would work better here.  Why?  Because he's out in the woods.

Page#6... Remember to space in your flashback slug.

Asides are alright, if they are done right.  It was only 11 pages, so it didn't slow up the read for me, but most of yours, if you ever go back and re-write this... I'd consider cutting some out.

This one stood out for me... "Adriaan stands, suffering from paralysis by analysis, in other words, he's not quite sure what to do."

I think you spent too long on the fight scene between Remy and Adriaan.  Almost half-a-page.  You could easily cut that in half, and still keep the original intent.

Unless it's something really important to the story, try to work towards describing without excessive detail.  Space is at a premium.  If your writing is too dense, people will start skimming.  

Your dialogue, for the most part I thought was alright.  The use of the "N," word.  It's runs rampant.  It got tedious after a while.  If anything, I'd definitely cutback on those.

Your story was petty simple, no surprises or twists.  It pretty much unfolded the way I thought.  So the ending is what I expected.  Fair enough.

Overall, this was just okay for me.  But this is JMHO.  

Forgive my errors

Good Luck

Ghostie

I saw your other thread in the requests, so I know you're hanging around somewhere. That alone will get you a few reads.

Despite the lack of FADE IN, the majority of this work is fairly good with the lone exception of occasional prose (p3-4) which when shortened up and different words make not only a clearer picture, but also less inner-being thought:

Quoted Text Kruger finds an area he feels comfortable enough to urinate. He does his thing with a stupid smile on his face. Adriaan clocks him, and his dumb ass grin. He pays close attention to the decrepit fuck. He notices something... his KNIFE is hanging from his belt. As Kruger "jiggles", wrapping up his bathroom break, before he can even zip up his pants... Adriaan stands ready behind him. In one smooth motion, Adriaan... snatches the dangling knife... buries it into the slave catchers back, while covering his mouth.

First, the word 'clocks'- when I first read that, I thought Adriaan rushed up behind Kruger and "clocks" him, only to be confused a few moments later when Kruger (almost) zips up. It was then when I realized Adriaan was merely watching him. But there's three other things about this passage that got my attention, in a not so good way.

* The personal opinion of Kruger, be it through the character or the author. While Kruger is a dirtbag, you're just telling me this.

* "His" dagger - should be written as Kruger's dagger.

* How he takes Kruger out.

Consider something like this:

Kruger finds an area to urinate.
He does his thing with a stupid smile on his face.

Hidden by a tree, Adriaan watches him, notices the KNIFE is hanging from Kruger's belt.

As Kruger wraps up his bathroom break, Adriaan rushes up from behind and strangles him. When Kruger is down, Adriaan takes the knife..


So you're probably wondering why I'm suggesting a chage of action from a grab of the knife, stab, and a covering of this dirtbag's mouth to a simple sneak attack and choke then picking up the knife. Pretty simple. Adriaan cannot possibly do what you describe in one motion. He can, however, reach up and wrap his arms around the throat and choke Kruger.

Tell ya why.
When we are intro'd to Adriaan, he has "shackles" on his wrists. Now, my first impression was that his shackles was unbroken and that his wrists were chained together. But even if I was wrong and they weren't, he still has the shackles on the wrists. That's still an added weight, still part of a chain and, quite possibly bruised/sore wrists as well. "Quick, lean and strong" is one thing. But "tattered" clothes suggest he's been on the run for some time. Is he barefoot? Hard to know. But he has shackles. and thus, grabbing a knife, stabbing Kruger in the back and covering Kruger's mouth at the same time...?

If you wanted to keep it, he can't do all three at the same time. He would grab/cover Kruger's mouth first, then grab the knife and stick him.

(as I read on, I noted that Adriaan does, in fact, use his shackles and chain as a defensive weapon when fighting Remy)

By the way, "zips up" is an anachronism during your time period.

Quoted Text Bottom line... he got fucked up real bad.

Get rid of that. We know he's dead. (We also know Adriaan has the Bowie knife)
Get rid of the first part of this too (which I underline):

Quoted Text In other words, he's not quite sure what to do

I'll let you have the last part, although "quite" is also expendable. Remember you're being visual here, and you don't want to play guessing games with your readers.

I'm still a bit confused on how Adriaan knocks out Yancy with a rock after being shot at. But maybe Yancy is an extremely lousy shot ...or shooting at the wrong bush. I'll take the latter of the two possibles. Interestingly, the bowie knife isn't used a second time.

I also noted the n word was spelled one way for a racist character in dialog; then two other ways ("negra""nigga") by same character . The latter spelling took me out of the script a little.

I'm not sure if I would brand this "horror" or "thriller" but it would make a...good drama if it wasn't modeled after a revenge piece, which is how it reads overall, but, that said...

I'd like this piece a little more if Adriaan were killing these hunters and eluding/kill Remy while escaping or his intent on going back for Elizabeth, only to find her hanged. It seems he is going back to find her, but I wasn't clear until Remy mentioned it.

It's not a bad effort though.
If it were me I'd focus more on drama with it though.
Best of luck Bryson.

-DjS

First off I'd like to thank you guys for the reads. Also would like to know what works you have posted to the site so I can return the favor.

Ghostwriter22 or Ghostie

I caught some of my typos when I saw my script had been posted, but didn't realize I had more than I caught right away. I wrote this with the focus on someone, the main character, is in a position where he'll have to do anything and everything to escape, no matter what.

What do you think is the best way to cut the scene to make it shorter? I usually cling to details and tend to have to catch myself so I don't go over board on description.

As for the "N" word, I felt the use was necessary as that's how African slaves were referred to back then. I know it makes people uncomfortable, and if I offended you or anyone, I'm sorry, but it is what it is.

Thanks again for taking the time out and give feedback, if you could or have the time, can you direct to me one of your scripts?

DarrenJamesSeeley

Thanks for taking the time to read my work. The word "clocks" I used to say he's spotted him or "scoped" him. I tend to write how I speak at times as it feels more comfortable and truthful, so there will be some slang as well as other forms of wordplay. But, I understand what your saying.

As for the part where my main character stabs one of the catchers, I was thinking the chain between his shackles had a bit of length to it, but I understand what you mean, and was kind of like "Damn...this guys right" as the chain wouldn't have possibly been long enough.

As for his clothes being tattered, well his clothes could of have just been given to him before he escaped his plantation or he could of had them for a year, as slaves were given beat up clothes to wear, not new clothes. But, I understand where you coming from on this as well.

As for the "in other words..." part I did that for people who may have never heard of the phrase "paralysis by analysis" just to make that saying clear. I didn't use the bowie knife a second time, even though I considered it, because I felt the use of the chain and shackles were more emotionally charged and had "something" behind it.

The "N" word being spelled differently like that was just me spelling the word how it's pronounced so when you read it, it comes out how it's pronounced. Sorry my choice took you out of the script a bit. I'd like to focus on the drama part a bit more, but I would need some help in that area. I wrote this as a emotionally charged "get the hell out of there, by any means..." piece. Drama is an area I'm trying to teach myself to write because I really feel having that element in any script is vital. So, any tips you can give me would be much appreciated.

Thank you very much for your response, trust me, it's very much appreciated. If you have any works you need read and reviewed, direct me to them and I'll get back to you ASAP. Thanks again.

Quoted from 13thChamber What do you think is the best way to cut the scene to make it shorter?  Some of it redundant.  Just cutting out those alone would work.   This is your script not mine.  So please keep that in mind.  But if it were me...this is what I wouldn't have in here and why. This is the particular passage I was talking about. The two struggle a bit before Adriaan over powers Remy.  Adriaan wraps the chain connecting his shackles around the fancy overseer's neck, and squeezes it nice and tight. Strikeout#1... A bit is just taking up space IMHO. Strikeout#2... we know the chains is connected to his shackles.   So IMHO, no need to repeat that. Any words you can cut then you should.  Fancy is one of them. Remy's eyes narrow, tears begin to fall as he struggles to breath.  Adriaan breaths aggressively.  I started to strike this line, mainly because if two people are in a fight to the death, which they are... chances are they will be breathing hard.  IMHO it's a give me. After a bit, Adriaan positions his knee on the inside of his wrist for more leverage. He forces his legs apart, which forces his wrist apart, which causes the chain to tighten around Remy's neck even more.  Remy really begins to panic... You've got to realize the audience is pretty smart and so are the producers who make the movies.  (But I use the term smart, loosely for the latter).  If I were watching this particular scene play out on the screen... I'd know why he was doing it and so would they.  Even without... for more leverage in your short, I'd still know why Adriaan did it. I believe in... short and to the point.  But this is just Ghost and my thought process when I'm writing.  If you like it the way it is... then keep it.  Remember screenwriting is very subjective. I usually cling to details and tend to have to catch myself so I don't go over board on description. I think we all do. As for the "N" word, I felt the use was necessary as that's how African slaves were referred to back then. I know it makes people uncomfortable, and if I offended you or anyone, I'm sorry, but it is what it is. nope, didn't offend me.  I get it.  Just making an observation. If you could or have the time, can you direct to me one of your scripts? No need to return the read, but if you'd like... Sam Houston (short) lookout for it when it gets posted.

It's late... and this was kind of fast, but I hope I made things clear somewhat.

Good Luck

Ghostie

Thanks for the input and quick response Ghost, its really appreciated. I'm going to take what you said seriously as I'd like to get this made sometime soon. Thanks again. Oh, and I'll be looking forward to your Sam Houston short, peace...

Since you mention it, why does a character say that racial slur differently? As to why the last one took me out, it's the way it is sometimes spelled in gangsta hip-hop rap from time to time. It just sort of reminded me of that is all. By the why, on a related subject, I'm not a huge fan of intentional mispelling for the sake of a character's "changing" grammar. That's just me though.

Pick and choose from any of my shorts work on the site from the link in the signature if you still wish to recip. That include previous OWC's as well.

-DjS

Well I had that term said differently because that's how it's sounds when said by different people. There are variants and I wanted to show that, but I understand how it may have taken you out of the script, and made you relate it to modern day rap.

Different characters may be one thing. The same character is another.