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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Gun Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 25th, 2011, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Gun by Garth Harris - Short, Comedy - When a movie scene shooting takes a gruesome turn, one man finds himself on the run. Who will prevail, the mysterious "criminal", or the two bumbling private investigators dispatched to capture him?  - html, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 26th, 2011, 11:58am
revised script
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jackx
Posted: September 9th, 2011, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



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Hmm, your log line does not do this weirdness justice.  Definitely odd, occasionally pretty funny, but also a tad incoherent.  I would drop some of the cheesiest jokes, and any puns.  Puns are never good. Maybe drop a page off while your at it, the goofiness is all right, but kinda overestays it's welcome by the end.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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irish eyes
Posted: October 5th, 2011, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Very hard read. You basically telling the director how to direct in your actions. Where does the acts/scenes break? I see a lot of fade outs, but it never fades in. As fpr the story i agree with jackx you have a few pages too many, with a few funny lines, but never flowed. Keep trying that`s what re-drafts are for.


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Court Jester
Posted: October 9th, 2011, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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Agree with the first two replies, but you should certainly keep at it. I definitely think there's something in it. I love the 'self-knowing' element. Very Garry Shandling Show, which can never be a bad thing.
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Forgive
Posted: October 24th, 2011, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Might work as a sub within a film, but some of it's been done before. A lot of the cliches you're referring to are a little bit 'they used to happen' so there's a danger in that you're turning up sometime after the party finished. Have to echo the comments above as well - some of the dialogue was good though - but too much direction, but then I can see that it needed to be over-directed, or you don't get the film - maybe you'd have to produce it yourself?? You'd need good actors to pull it off.
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