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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Home Movies Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 26th, 2011, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Home Movies by Sean Chipman (mr. blonde) - Short, Drama - On his 18th birthday, a lonely teenager opens presents he has given to himself. - pdf, format


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: August 26th, 2011, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Just a heads up for anyone who reads this, there's some oddness here. Some people might be turned off.

It was for a contest in June. My apologies in advance.


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mcornetto
Posted: August 26th, 2011, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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That was a bit odd.

It's difficult to do a one pager.  I think you've done a pretty good job here.  It certainly is a powerful story but I think it could be even a bit more powerful.

How is the question.  First I would tighten it a bit more.  I think we realise who the women is in the beginning so you don't really need to spend so much time creating suspense or perhaps you need to obscure it even more.   Either way, it sort of drags for a little bit because it isn't a surprise.   Though it does hit home once he admits to it.

Also, you might want to rethink how she dies.  Some other type of death might add to the emotional impact.

Anyway, my thoughts.  Overall, good job.
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Ledbetter
Posted: August 26th, 2011, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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A BLONDE WOMAN with large breasts and a MUSCULAR MAN with a
large penis have sex.

That would have been the shortest script on this site ever to get me thumb high.


I don't remember any of the rest of the script.

I'm sure it was good. Now off to go smoke a cig.

Shawn...><
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I was halfway through replying and my fucking laptop decided to just crash (as it tends to from time to time). With that in mind, this review will be a little shorter than it was before.

Michael:

I'm glad you liked it, even if it could've been more powerful. I knew the story was a little fucked up when it came into my head, but I had nothing else that month beyond a fake anti-heroin PSA story idea.

I like the plane crash, myself, but it's because I could only fit in a page's worth of details but if I could explain the whole backstory I set up, the plane crash would seem better, I think. But, I can't. I only had one page.

I appreciate your read and review, thank you. =)

Shawn:

Lol. Well, descriptions aren't my greatest asset, if you can believe that. In fact, they're pretty much my worst. Perfect example.

That's ok. If it has anything memorable, I guess that's success.

I'd also like to thank you for reading and reviewing. =)


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sniper
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

This was good. And it wasn't really that odd, more sad actually (you know, once you look past the kid watching his mother getting banged by a big one). But, yeah, like Michael mentioned it's pretty obvious who she was pretty early on, though I'm sure how to fix that. Regarding her death, I have no problem with the plane crash but if you wanna add a little political correctness to it (why would you?) then she could have died of AIDS - maybe she even gave it to him as well (in utero). Nah, that's some corny shit.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Sniper:

I'm glad you liked it and it's true, it is sad. When others were reviewing it, a couple thought it was a comedy. I couldn't figure that one out to save my life. I'm not one for political correctness but having her die of AIDS might make it even more comedic to some people. It's corny, but not entirely a bad idea.

Thank you for reading and reviewing and even more so for liking it. =)


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hey Sean!

Great to see a thread from you!
I really dug this, you said a lot in the space allotted.
I think it can be even better.
Delaying the mom reveal did not help the script, IMO.
March that out sooner, bringing us even closer to Alex.
I think there's a better death for Mom too, something more, personal.
Outside if that, this was a tight read. Good on you, brother.

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I'm been too busy working on my feature for the 2009 7WC (stop laughing) that I haven't really written anything new recently.

Of course it can be better. After all, I wrote it. Lol.

Much as I'd like to agree with you there, it would be more expository than anything to say she's his mom before then. It is pretty poorly written as is, but adding a flat reveal would weaken it even more.

Not sure if you saw my post on MP about the plane crash thing, but it was originally intended to be a small play on how the media doesn't portray a plane crash as a disaster but instead they look for someone whose name is known and make the story that that person died in the crash. Probably not fitting for the story, though.

I appreciate the read and review and am glad you enjoyed it. =)


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albinopenguin
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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hey Sean,

really enjoyed this given the twisted nature of the script. obviously theres not a whole bunch you can do with it since it was for a one page submission. as other posters have mentioned, the ending wasnt a surprise to me. i might consider rearranging it to make it more hard hitting. for example, id start with the kid watching porn simply because it would be the audience's first impression. this one reminded me A LOT of the book Snuff. Ever read it? seems very inspired.

regardless, a good time for sure.


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vancety
Posted: September 10th, 2011, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

I liked this.

My only question is: "Are we talking about 'old' newspaper clippings?"

Regards Rutger
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jackx
Posted: September 10th, 2011, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Clippings say something similar, sb plural.

Hahaha  made me laugh, even though it was no real surprise.  I think the other commentators hit all the points I would make,  definitle reminded me of snuff by chuck palahniuk or however u spell it.  If you haven't read it u should.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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vancety
Posted: September 11th, 2011, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Okay "how old" was mom when Alex was born?

Rutger
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Sham
Posted: September 11th, 2011, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

Not bad at all for one page.

I’m not sure I could ever watch a family member in a porn film, but hey, everyone’s different.

How’d you do in the contest?

Nice work.

Chris


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 12th, 2011, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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@Rutger She was 18. It wasn't specified in the story (and I haven't read it for a week), but I believe she died four years before the story began.

@Chris Yeah, he didn't have the most normal childhood. Not terrible. Averaged I believe 3.1 out of 5. Thank you.


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