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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Abracadavre Moderators: bert
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  Author    Abracadavre  (currently 991 views)
Posted: September 15th, 2011, 4:39pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Abracadavre by T. J. Frost - Short, Horror - Inspired by Call of Duty's Nazi Zombies, four survivors must team up to save themselves from certain death at the hands of the undead.  32 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: September 15th, 2011, 6:20pm Report to Moderator

I got dipping sticks.

Los Angeles
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well...i got to page 6. i'm betting thats farther than many posters on this site will reach. in a nut shell, no. just no.

now heres the thing. your formatting doesn't outright suck. its bad. but its vaguely close to how a screenplay should be formatted. there are multiple grammar and spelling mistakes throughout (including to/too) and you need to write in the present tense. try to avoid -ing's and -ed's as often as you can. employing such mistakes makes your screenplay sound weaker than it already does.

the dialogue (especially raz's) sounds like you've been playing too much gears of war. put down the controller and read some professional scripts. and then get back to writing (and gaming).

as a gamer, it pains me to write these things. but NEVER NEVER NEVER say that a short was inspired by a video game (unless its bioshock). then the reader comes in with a preconceived notion that your screenplay is going to suck. even worse, they won't take you seriously.

and i hate to say this, but cod's zombie mode sucks flesh eating balls. its the same game over and over and over and over (then again, so is the entire franchise). only people who suck at multiplayer play zombies. but i digress.

in conclusion, your heart was in the right place but your pen was not. read more screenplays. write something unique. shit, write the next bioshock. video games need good stories (and well written dialogue)

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