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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Addict Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 16th, 2011, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Addict by Eric Hanson (inquiringmind) - Short, Drama -  Kimberly Fowler is a damaged woman with a great career as a surgeon, if only she can overcome her addiction to drugs.  20 pages - pdf, format


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Inquiringmind
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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If any one will give me feedback I will return the favor.

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TheSecond
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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The surface is home to the mindless. Go deep.

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Ok, I'm thoroughly depressed now!  I need to go pop some pills to feel better...

I have no doubt that you put a tremendous amount of effort into this script, but it didn't work well for me.  The reason being is it reads like a feature that has been smashed down into a short.  There are a large number of scenes, locations, plot lines, and such that just aren't necessary to give Kim the same arc.  

You're writing style is superb imo, I didn't see too many formatting errors, although there are others on here that do a much better job of identifying that type of thing than I.   The story itself needs to be whittled down into maybe 12 pages with a better emphasis on Kim, the guy who died of cancer, and Sharkey - interesting name btw - and that's it.  

ps.  your log line states Kim has a drug addiction, yet no where in the story is this evident outside of some sleeping pills..?  
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 21st, 2011, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hey Eric,

I see you around here making an effort, so I wanted to return the gesture.
You make a style choice right off the bat with your action descriptions.
I'm on the fence when it comes to "meta" information given in descriptives.
I get the intangible personality stuff, but giving occupations kinda hit me wrong.
Something to think about when making a first impression on a reader.

I enjoy the almost non-sequitor approach to the action.
However, the dialogue isn't quite as fluent, feels unnatural IMO.

There's lots of events smooshed together and I'm losing any impact from them.
By the time I guess myself oriented in your scene, you're on to the next.
I got the gist of events, but didn't get to simmer in their implications.
And in this kind of examinate tale, I think you need those kinds of moments.

No need for a CUT TO: right before a shiny new slug.
The slug is an indicator of the need to cut to the next scene already.

I *LOVE* the Red Cross lunch box, great VISUAL.
I wish it were part of a flashback on even the opening grabber. Great stuff.

I like the sentiment of your story, but the dialogue kinda tramples it.
Naturalize and strip mine it down to the bare essentials.
Expand your scenes, let them breathe, it's a must for a contemplative tale.

Look forward to seeing new stuff from you.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Inquiringmind
Posted: September 21st, 2011, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TheSecond
Ok, I'm thoroughly depressed now!  I need to go pop some pills to feel better...

I have no doubt that you put a tremendous amount of effort into this script, but it didn't work well for me.  The reason being is it reads like a feature that has been smashed down into a short.  There are a large number of scenes, locations, plot lines, and such that just aren't necessary to give Kim the same arc.  

You're writing style is superb imo, I didn't see too many formatting errors, although there are others on here that do a much better job of identifying that type of thing than I.   The story itself needs to be whittled down into maybe 12 pages with a better emphasis on Kim, the guy who died of cancer, and Sharkey - interesting name btw - and that's it.  

ps.  your log line states Kim has a drug addiction, yet no where in the story is this evident outside of some sleeping pills..?  


Hey the second, thanks for the read. I'm sorry it didn't really work for you. You make some interesting points I will take into consideration. I agree, it needs to be simplified and 12 pages sounds like a great number to work for.

I know it's a little dark, believe it or not this is the most light hearted draft so far. Lol.

If I can return the favor, I would love to read one of your scripts.

all the best.



Revision History (1 edits)
Inquiringmind  -  September 21st, 2011, 7:17pm
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Inquiringmind
Posted: September 21st, 2011, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Hey Eric,

I see you around here making an effort, so I wanted to return the gesture.
You make a style choice right off the bat with your action descriptions.
I'm on the fence when it comes to "meta" information given in descriptives.
I get the intangible personality stuff, but giving occupations kinda hit me wrong.
Something to think about when making a first impression on a reader.

I enjoy the almost non-sequitor approach to the action.
However, the dialogue isn't quite as fluent, feels unnatural IMO.

There's lots of events smooshed together and I'm losing any impact from them.
By the time I guess myself oriented in your scene, you're on to the next.
I got the gist of events, but didn't get to simmer in their implications.
And in this kind of examinate tale, I think you need those kinds of moments.

No need for a CUT TO: right before a shiny new slug.
The slug is an indicator of the need to cut to the next scene already.

I *LOVE* the Red Cross lunch box, great VISUAL.
I wish it were part of a flashback on even the opening grabber. Great stuff.

I like the sentiment of your story, but the dialogue kinda tramples it.
Naturalize and strip mine it down to the bare essentials.
Expand your scenes, let them breathe, it's a must for a contemplative tale.

Look forward to seeing new stuff from you.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.
Hey electric Dreamer, thanks for the read, and the advise. Great stuff. I think I will cut out the character occupation descriptions altogether. I realize some people don't like them.

I also agree with you about the dialogue. It might be it doesn't ring true, or that it still sounds unnatural. I hope to work out the kinks in the next draft. Thanks for the impute though.

I will do my best to make the arc tighter and expand on some scenes.

Take Care

Eric H.  

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