The Surgeon by Garry Fraser - Short, Thriller - Are men & woman born bad, our serial killer thinks so but our   specialist dr. not And the murder squad task force are watching the game of phycological mind games waiting until the last scene to find out who's right.  6 pages - pdf, format

This one was kinda lost on me Garry. It's the old nature vs nurture premise, but it falls a little short. You have a lots of little housekeeping issues, incorrect spelling on the title page, mix up of OS & VO, or used together, little issues with slugs that need tidying.

Some of your sentence structure and action description read very awkwardly to me. 'Behind it white shade is pulled down for the projector that’s sitting on the table.'

The dialouge is very sterile and well to be frank, not very believable.

'How come you are always last to
these meetings doc? we moved our
sorry arses from nice Head
quarters in Edinburgh just so we
can coordinate from your loony
bin & your still late, least you
could do is show up in time.'

People just don't speak like that. Alot of this is exposition, telling us the story. Show us.

'A young Irish male forensic expert starts to feel uncomfortable as he looks at the projected image on the screen in front of him.'

How are we going to know he's Irish??? Red hair and hungover? Give your characters a name and a character description.

Ultimately this is a talking heads piece which needs more punch.

Quoted from Eoin 'A young Irish male forensic expert starts to feel uncomfortable as he looks at the projected image on the screen in front of him.' How are we going to know he's Irish??? Red hair and hungover? Give your characters a name and a character description.

Stereotypes, like this, don't help anyone.  Not all Irish are redheaded.  


Phil

Quoted from eoin How are we going to know he's Irish??? Red hair and hungover?

Quoted from dogglebe Not all Irish are redheaded.

And not all of us are hungover, either.  Some of us are still drunk.

Sorry Phil  (checks mirror) I don't have red hair or I'm not redheaded either . . . I'd reply to you RC, but I'm too busy elbowing my way to the bar to order another round.

Couldnt read it. Your scene headings are all wrong. Get a free program like Celtx to solve this issue. Plus I noticed you had (V.O.) at the end of your descriptions which confused me, and utterly turned me off. Sorry, if I was harsh.

There is a hell of a lot of tidying up to be done here, I couldnt get past page 3 because the spelling and grammar errors just put me way off.
Sluglines, VO use, numbered scenes, camera directions, dialogue, all need looking at.
(Never use ampersands "&")

Take more care, check and check again, spellcheck and spellcheck again.

Its a difficult craft to nail, but keep writing and you can only get better.

Yeah. Wierd. Made me wonder if you were a little dyslexic. Seemed like you put a lot of effort in too. Either proof-read more carefully, or get someone to proof-read for you. If it's that important, pay someone to do it. If it's not that important, don't do it in the first place.

This would do better as a sequence in a larger piece, but alone it doesn't hold up. It was obvious a reveal was coming, but the reveal wasn't powerful enough. I think to improve this, lose some characters and make this a real mind game between two characters. Interesting premise that with some tweaking could be special.

Sorry dude, very hard to read.. I was lost after page 2.

In fact I actually felt like... 'A young Irish male forensic expert who starts to feel uncomfortable as he looks at the projected image on the screen in front of him.'

I was out at about page 2 ....

The grammar, spelling and caps errors I think turned me off at the start. I don't think it's bad if you have an error here or there IF the story is GREAT.

Buy Final Draft..it makes formatting much easier and is worth the money.

Also, you could copy and paste it in Word or something just to check grammer/spelling.

I'm a beginner, with only one short recently completed, so I don't have a ton of advice, but I know if it looks "right" and there aren't as many errors, you will get more reads.