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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Falling Angels - OWC
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  Author    Falling Angels - OWC  (currently 6076 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Falling Angels by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Gothic Horror - A young girl has to cope with the death of her family during a dark night. War brings out the best and the worst. 10 pages, 4 characters, unrated (thus far) - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 21st, 2012, 2:05pm
revised script
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grademan
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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FALLING ANGELS

I liked this.

What could be more Gothic than a church?
It had a dark feel to it.
The two characters felt real and distinct.
The ghosts fit the theme of being misunderstood.

The multiple fade outs of superimposed messages were not needed and took away from the emotional impact of the end.

Good writing, Iíd suggest a few changes but then I realized they wouldnít change anything important.

I hope they are all this good.

VERY GOOD
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Okay read this one.

A few misspellings but nothing major. Maybe some grammar issues.

The story was cool. A French town and an ancient church make for an interesting back drop on the Gothic theme (Wonder if the writer is French).

The evil nature of the Father came through quite well.

Good Job on getting this OWC done!


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darrentomalin
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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A good story, nice setting, great opening.
I like stories with historical accuracy, this is accomplished here very well.
The church is indeed a gothic setting, but on its own, I didn't really get a gothic feel overall. The Father is a good villian and well written.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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wonkavite
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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* Spoilers*

Really enjoyed this one...though felt it was flawed.

There are so, so many good things here, in the premise and the characters.  The historical background, with war raging around them.  Marie's your standard good girl - but not so bland that she's a cypher.  And the concept - of a priest who goes to loot the church's treasures  - then has to kill to cover up his deeds.  And the thread of philosophy behind it - of the impotence of the spirits to do anything to save Marie.  All good things.

My only objection - and it's a big one - is that Father Du Mort (heh, Du Mort.  French Easter Egg, there.) is too over the top.  Having him overtly try to rape Marie?  Too, too cartoony.  Play this one subtle - maybe with a quick look, a flash of the eyes - and this could be so, so much stronger.   It could have lingering emotional impact, if rewritten with a bit more inneundo - and a bit less villiany.

And the final saves by the infantry?  Great visuals.  This one's got so much promise.  Tone down the bad guy - and it could really work!
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feat747
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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The historical context gives this story a better sense of realism. The backdrop of war makes the setting far more interesting and intense than your average Gothic fare. I wish I could know more about Father Du Mort's back story.


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Zanej
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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I am new to writing, this OWC being my first. But I seen.

Dead goat getting stabbed squeals.
Not many scene changes.

But I like the story a lot gteat work
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Iím not feeling the gothic vibe from this WWII tale.
Formatís pretty solid, but the story was unclear.
Multi colored spirits aside, this oneís too churchy for me.
A religious tale set against a war, not gothic, IMO.
Another interpretation of misunderstood spirits.
This interpretation really pigeon holes the script.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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Strong atmosphere...and unlike others I got a strong Gothic tone. The innocent virgin, the Church, the tyrannical Priest, the oppressive atmosphere...all apparent.

People have to be careful not to be too rigid in their interpretation of genre otherwise genres stagnate.

The story was strong in terms of tension and atmosphere, but it did seem lacking thematically for me. Actually that's not correct. I just flet that it was handled a little heavily. Felt like there needed to be more depth to the choices, more realism and more subtlety to the mental collapse of the Priest when confronted with such horror.

I wasn't big on the spirits to be honest, either. I think the story would be better without the supernatural elements. I felt they cheapened it.

One of the better ones I've read though, no doubt. Also good work on the Title...fit the genre (which is something only a few of the Titles do in my opinion) and the story.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  October 16th, 2011, 8:46am
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c m hall
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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I love this, the descriptions, the characters, the dialogue, everything -- it's over the top in all good ways.

This could be a wonderful film!

Congratulations on some fine work!

Of course it's "verses" not "versus"...
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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This one had to have been written by one of the regulars. One who has a love of the French. Nothing wrong with that.

And aside from what's been mentioned above with those few spelling errors, (and the use of "then") there's nothing wrong in the script. Could make my top three--but I got some more to read yet.

I really loved this overall.
Good work.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 4:45am Report to Moderator
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I thought this had great atmosphere and a unique setting.  A French church in WWII provides a great backdrop for tales of life, death and the spirit world.  The stage was set well here.  

But, the story didn't seem to have much depth to it.   I didn't understand precisely what Marie was referring to when she talked to the Father about the "Lord seeks vengeance for our sins."  What sins?  What is her history with the Father?  What exactly was the deal with the Mayor and the bag of loot?  There were all these intriguing hints at a great story, but nothing really came to the surface.  I kept waiting for some explanation but never got one.

You're missing a slug line when Marie and the Father leave the Church and walk into the graveyard.

All in all, this seemed like the beginning of a very interesting tale.  But it felt more like a first draft to me, like you hadn't quite figured out the finer points of the story and characters.  But impressive for a week's notice.
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SteveUK
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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I loved the atmosphere and backdrop to this story & thought the characters were well drawn out.  I think this will definitely benefit greatly from a rewrite and being longer, allowing more time to show the priest's descent into madness & giving a little more back story (correct me if I'm wrong but what I gleaned from the story was that their 'sin' was siding with the nazis?).

The only aspect of the script that I didn't like was the description of the spirits. It may just be me, but they felt too cartoony and a little out of place with the dark gothic atmosphere of the rest of the story.

Overall though, I really enjoyed this. As others have mentioned, there were a few typos littered about, but that's more than forgivable in a OWC script.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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This was well written and it's true in life. The innocents almost always do meet up with, at some point in their lives, evil manifested in human form. People might often think it just always happens to "the other guy", but when it does happen to them (you), I'll tell you, you hardly even want to talk about it because... I don't know why, but that's what happens.

So, back to the story... On this one I did read some of the other comments and I disagree with anyone saying that the spirits cheapen it. I know of people who have seen spirits. I've personally been able to feel what is like an electric reiki charge from a distance, (no hands touching) and I, my father and mother (when they were alive) had experiences. For instance, Mom, never having seen my Dad's dad when she was alive, saw him one night standing at the edge of their bed. She described him perfectly. They learned that at that time that she had the visitation, he had just died. So...

If one says the spirits cheapen it? I don't think so. People cheapen things; not spirits. The only thing that cheapens anything is "exploiting ghosts" "exploiting rape" "exploiting anything". But if it's real and for a reason. It works. That all depends of course.

Maybe Marie wasn't so innocent after all. Maybe she was one of those pretentious J.W.'s or any other Christian or Jew or whatever the hell that think they have the keys to heaven because of whatever shit they do-- that they're gonna get a reward. What reward?! You're supposed to do the good shit. So yeah... Let's talk character here...

If this script could do with anything it's that. Maybe Marie might benefit from a rape. Maybe the Priest might benefit from a rape. Maybe they've both lived with such sterility that it's causing them to show up in scripts like this?

One thing a lot of scripts do is parlor trick stuff: "Pull a bad guy out of a hat" thing. It doesn't work that way in life and it shouldn't in a script. People aren't born bad, they develop tendencies to do bad things-- sometimes very evil things, but it has a reason. There always has to be a reason.

If you want to lighten the Hollywood type of spirit vibe, that might be a thing to do. Work with more subtle impressions, from an internal perspective. They're all just existing inside of the "firings of the brain" anyways. There is no "out there". So maybe work with that.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hello Binky ( the horse of death? )

A work of fiction set in a factual environment, and not just any day! Makes a big change.

Lots of visuals going on, hopefully not too many, but overall a strong blend of war/storm/church/graves and spirits.

A couple of things,

When she says " for our sins", do you mean them as a couple or humanities sins?
The end scene with the priest could may be benefit from a softening
Why five spirits in five different colours, then use two in the graveyard?
perhaps the final Title cards could be presented in a softer way
I think the priests connection with the nazi's needs tad more depth?

All the best.


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