Damn You Bruce! by Brandon Bushman - Short, Comedy - A serial killer named Bruce is sick of the cops making fun of him, so he takes his own life and somehow Bruce's soul gets trapped inside of his automatic pool cleaner. While in his new form Bruce finds the cops that began the rumors that push Bruce over the edge, but this time he decides to return the favor. 16 pages - pdf, format

eliminate your -ing words

try to avoid -ly verbs. dont write "he frantically talks to himself." instead, write "he mumbles to himself"

you only need to capitalize characters' names once.

i laughed at the dick-less joke.

"Bruce is hearing all the nasty things Mendoza and Adams are saying about him." How does this work? Show us, don't tell us. I have no idea what's going on by this point.

by page 3, you have lost any remaining strands of humor. i take back what i said about the dick-less joke. this script isnt funny at all. i love dirty humor but this is just...dirty. detectives would never talk like this. and if they did, i would hope they wouldnt have a 4th grade sense of humor like these guys did.

your and you're. learn the difference.

have you ever had sex before? i'm assuming you havent because page 5 reads like a pre-pubescent teenager describing the latest porno he just watched.

aaaaaand i'm out. i can't read anymore of cobra's dialogue. i just dont know what to say. sorry.

I read the logline and this seemed to be right up my alley. Cheesy, goofy humour and a great sense of the ridiculous. The TROMA fan in me wanted to open it up.

I read the whole thing, despite the terrible writing of the action, the worst unfilmables ever written etc. Every general rule of basic screenwriting is ignored or broken for the most part.

This might be a pisstake.

Either way, the story is not without it's charm. Some of the poor dialogue is really (knowingly?) so bad its good.

The rock band and their stupid names are stupid enough to work. The cops dialogue and their behaviour actually worked within the context of the stupidity.  Everything is stupid. I like that.  

The fact that nobody manages (or even tries) to confront and subdue a killer pool cleaner in the massacre scene had me in stitches.

If the writer is around -- learn to write better. Written in the correct way, with more emphasis on physical comic timing (as opposed to telling us that a piece of machinary is upset or angry) will help.

I know what you are going for with this, and I like the idea. Most won't get past the first page, however -- for good reason.  

The last movie I watched that was about a pool cleaner was Paranormal Activity 2. That sucked. This is better.

WOW!  Not sure what to say or where to begin, but I guess I might as well start here...

The Cabin and Chris Halverson's Cannibal have some serious competition!

This thing is unreal.  Simply unreal...and I'm saying that after reading only 5 1/2 pages...but damn...those are 5 1/2 of the best pages I've ever read.

It's pretty clear from the logline what you're in for here, and the script itself does not disappoint.  On display here is some of the worst, laugh out loud dialogue you'll ever see...some of the most eye popping, head shaking action prose imaginable (actually, being a pisser fan myself, I don't know if I could even come up with stuff like this)...and some of the funniest damn shit I've ever seen.

I'll read the rest later, after I recover from the laughing attack I still can't stop.  I'm, also  downloading the script so I can refer to it later, when I'm feeling blue.

Everyone owes it to themselves to read this instant classic IMMEDIATELY!  There's no way this won't put a smile on your face.

Hell of an effort here, bro!  Seriously, amazing!!!

EDIT - I've finished and it gets better even!   Most likely 2-3 mistakes in every single line, minimum.  Literally shocking how horrific the writing, the grammar, the spelling, the punctuation, the sentence structure...EVERYTHING!

I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS SCRIPT AND WRITER!  It doesn't get much better than this.

Instant classic!!!!

I read this based upon Jeff's review because he knows quality when he smells it and he really smelt it here.
Now i've had a sniff and it smells really good.
Thanks for making me smell this lovely smell, Jeff.

Can't wait for the sequel.

Awesome.

Quoted Text is trapped inside the "innocent" piece of pool equipment

A classic log line, a memorable opening page.

Quoted Text I guess that’s the reason why dick-less killed all those male strippers, he wanted what they all had, a tasteful penis

You're killin me man. I hope someone films this! I'll definitely check it out.

Me too, the SFX budget would be blown on "A jar with 12 penis's inside"

Some how BRUCE’S soul is trapped inside the "innocent" piece of pool equipment.

As soon as I saw those quotation marks around "innocent," I realized that the equipment was not innocent at all.

I loved how quickly the forensics team determined that all twelve penises in the freezer matched with all of Bruce's victims.  That's some serious science right there.

ADAMS
What? No! Captain... Captain!
Why?!? DAMN YOU BRUCE!!!

Like how you found a way to work the title in there.

Uh, why am I trying to apply logic here?  It has no place in this opus.  But, I will say that you should have had a priest come in to exorcise the pool cleaner.  That would have been an epic showdown.

I thought it was a cute idea from the logline but unfortunately I lost interest about halfway through.  My problem was that Bruce needed more characterization as an automatic pool cleaner.  

At first I thought it was ok for you to allow the reader to decide how Bruce shows emotion but I think this puts some distance between the character and the reader.  So now I think you need to be explicit about Bruce's behaviour and decide on how he's showing that emotion and then show us.

Like I said, it's a really cute concept and done right it could be fantastic.  Keep writing.    

Would I be wrong in assuming its the same guy that has done such movies as this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73Md7RemQGU

If so, he's doing fine as he is. Maybe the critics need to step back and try to make a film themselves before they launch the  "hope people pick on this guy to make me look big" onslaught.

* Apologies for above comment. I had a few drinks last night, got carried away, completely misinterpreted the feedback. I thought people were laughing at the writer rather than the script ( going by his vids - if they are indeed his - I'm curious to know if he'd give a damn anyway).

It would be nice to hear back from the guy who wrote this considering the ammount of feedback.

** In response to TheSecond,  no one is praising the script, it is funny in a Cabin/Axe Massacre way.

In trying to figure out why I said what I said, it came down to just this:
If you knock a guy out in a fight on a beach, fair enough. There is no need to then stomp on his face moments later, kick sand in his face, then invite your friends over to laugh at his failure. I just didn't like that or the way it way it was heading. No one benefits from it. If anything, it devalues the site. Other people might just think "Awesome. I'll write about something *just as ridiculous in a funny silly way* and send it in. It encourages mediocrity on both sides.

Posting this here because otherwise this thread would receive more attention and posts than it deserves whilst those that contribute to the site and write with more conviction are left behind.

I dunno.  To each their own, I guess, but I'd rather watch this than many of the scripts on Simply.  Audacious and deeply stupid is rarely a bad combination.  When one's in that Troma kind of mood, anyway.  

I dunno if you're around, Josh, but there were some issues with the story, for me.  The writing's technically bad, obviously, which is kind of disrespectful to the reader, but I won't comment on it past that.

The two major issues here are Bruce's character and the pacing of Adams' arc.  As Michael noted above, the pool cleaner emotions work at first, but in an 18 page script it starts to get old pretty quickly.  One approach would be to have Bruce talk, a la Chucky/Jack Frost.  Another would be to just have much more detailed visual reactions to things.  Whatever you choose, I think Bruce has the potential to be a much more interesting character if you let him express it somehow.  The main flaw of embarrassment about his little dick is fine, but there needs to be more than that to keep us watching him for so long.  The idea of him wanting to keep his place clean is hilarious but it's unclear whether that's an aspect of his personality or not -- it would be odd if it was because, y'know, he wrote his name in blood on the ground.  

The other thing is an easy fix.  Adams' descent into insanity and general weirdness would be much funnier if it were more gradual throughout the script.  The "blow anybody" gag is really funny but it would be great if it came earlier.  If Adams slowly crosses more and more boundaries each scene he's in, to the increasing consternation of Mendoza, the scenes between the two cops will be more dynamic and when Adams goes completely off the deep end, I think it will be funnier.

A couple smaller notes -- I think the Adams/Mendoza scenes could be shorter, as they tend to be a little repetitive.  I think the kills could be a little more varied, as there seems to be lots of potential with a pool cleaner.

Oh and the one thing that was entirely bland was the scene with the first couple that gets killed.  This one, I think, could stand to be spiced up a lot.  We've seen the couple skinnydipping scenario a billion times, so in a script like this, you really need to subvert it somehow, or it just comes off as boring.

Thanks for this, it was very funny.

You guys crack me up...seriously...crack me fucking up.

In all seriousness...

For the love of God...

In the memory of Ronnie James Dio...

Giving detailed plot/story advice for a pisser-type script is beyond humorous.  I mean...c'mon now.  Seriously?

The writer isn't ever going to chime in with a single peep.  He doesn't give a shit.  He's written 3 of the same zany pissers, posts goofy, cheesy zero dollar budget vids on his own site, and is happy as a fucking lark.

Chris and Michael, I don't mean to attack you or your words, but it's just beyond silly giving advice to "show more emotion and what he''s feeling", referring to a possessed automatic pool cleaning device.  I mean...fuck...c'mon...

It's something akin to Ron Jeremy's "One Eyed Monster" - you want character out of the detached penis?  You want character out of a automatic pool cleaner?  Really?

Love or hate this script for exactly what it is. There's no advice necessary.  It is exactly what it is, and the horribleness of it is exactly what makes it hilarious.  Nothing more, absolutely nothing less.

Jeff, here's how I see it --

There are more funny Troma films, and less funny Troma films.  They're all absolutely "terrible."  But there is a difference in the value that they provide to the audience.  How that value is created is something which can be understood and therefore creating greater value is something which can be worked for.  If something is good by a certain standard, then it must be possible to make it better by that same standard.  The advice I offered was that which I think would best serve the script.

Hey, just trying to give the guy constructive criticism.  I think he has an amusing premise - it would have been nice if I could have gotten through the script.  I hope he becomes a better writer so that I am better able to enjoy his warped sense of humour.  

There's definitely a market for this sort of thing, though it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea.  Not every movie or script needs to fit in the same narrow guidelines, Jeff.  

My first post, it has to be about this masterpiece. I don't know if this is a joke or serious writing but either way, it gave me so much laughter in 18 pages.
I have never heard any law enforcement talk this way, just so many memorable lines of dialogue "his big old bush" just one of many.
A fantastic read, i wasn't disappointed and hope to read more from Josh Bushman.