The Polymath by Christopher West (the second) - Short, Action, Adventure - An odd note and a genius who is coming of age.  Put them both in a strange Library and the adventure begins...  8 pages. - pdf, format

Thank you for posting this Don.  I appreciate it.  This is a snippet of a feature I have rolling around in my head, so i wanted to get a bit of it out on paper and get some feedback as to its potential.  Thanks!

Hi Chris - nice to read this; thought I'd give it a good & give some feedback.

Felt there were two areas to deal with here:
1. The story 2. The script.

Story:
Sort of interesting - I think you have a very fertile imagination - you like to think in unusual ways, and suit these fantasy-type things that you like to do. I kind of liked the tone the story was taking, but I really didn't have a clear idea what the story was... I know it's part of a large feature idea, but maybe a flashback to condense a fill-in to give us an idea of what the story will be?

I was a little unsure of the tramps bit - it may have been referred back to in a bigger feature, but it looked a little superfluous in this short - if he was just showing us his skill then he could have done this maybe on the bus, so giving you a bit more room to do other things.

I sort of liked the kid, but found it a little difficult to identify with him - he really knew what was going on more than I did, so he was a little bit too ahead of me - I reckon either make him a little less clued up, or clue the reader up a little bit more.

Nice atmosphere created though, and well paced.

The script
POV on a youthful pair of hands
- I think POV has to be someone's POV; this could be just 'A youthful...'

INSERT:
- My understanding is BACK TO SCENE is required.

We follow CALVIN WATT, (14) not big, not small, just right, as he shoulders a unique backpack and heads for the door.
- so the 'we' is frowned upon; what is 'just right'?; and what's unique about the backpack?

A plume of heated exhaust pushes Calvin down the sidewalk
- just not sure what this means.

        AL
I believe my associate axed you a...
- I know it's an easy mistake, they sound so similar. (shame on you...).

Taking a knee, Calvin props the bag on his other knee
- Again, I guess I know what you mean, but visually it's a bit perplexing.

Naked to the world, the men are stunned by this kid’s wisdom.
Jules drops the whiskey bottle in a SMASH of glass.
- Not too sure it was drop-the-glass stunning, but if it was, maybe just drop the glass.

Overgrown weeds with an accent of trash help make the exterior facade of the Library the dull, drab place it is.
- I'm not convinced that you're adding anything to this that isn't clear in:
A Library: dull, drab.

INSERT - Library Hours Sign. Every day reads CLOSED in an ugly font except Tuesday, which reads 6:43 pm to 7:09 pm.
- My understanding is that an insert is simply what you see, and then do BACK TO SCENE.

Silence, just as a library should be. There’s not much to the place, a few rows of shelves house a sparse book collection, a few ugly tables are home to even uglier broken chairs.
-Shouldn't this be:
Silence. Rows of shelves house a sparse book collection; broken chairs sit under battered tables.
- Ugly is opinion, and not great visually.

So that's about it really - liked some of the story ideas here, but would have liked a better idea of what the story was.

Best o' luck to you with it!

007

Simon, thank you sir for the review.  I do appreciate it.  No doubt the lack of any back story, or purpose for that matter, will leave a few scratching their heads, and I do apologize for that.

This is a story that has been in my mind for years now, and one day I just decided to sit down and write a bit of it out and that's what you see here.  I only spent an hour on it, so its really just an initial sketch.  

You're correct in my needing to tighten up the writing, I am guilty as hell of writing out the 'unfilmables' and have had more than one director correct me on that.!  Whoops!  

The homeless guy scene will actually play a much larger part as Jules (Julius Cesaer), Al (Alexander the Great), and Leon (Napoleon), play the role of Library guardians, and will come to the aid of Calvin for a fierce battle later...  

The greater point of the story is, what if there were a Library where you can open the book and be transported directly into the pages.  

I think there is a section on the boards for 'developing' scripts and story's and what not, and this script would probably be best served there.  Thanks again dude!  Let me know if you've got anything else on here you want me to take a look at.  

Happy New Year!

****ing awesome. I actually got pissed off when it ended.

You are too kind, but thank you very much.  

There is a considerable amount of work that needs to be done on this...  Someday I'll actually get to it.

Hey Chris,

I think with this being a little piece of a bigger pie, it made it difficult to follow. I don't think it is fair to judge this until I've read the whole thing if I'm honest. This felt more like a prologue or teaser for something bigger so I couldn't follow the story that well.

The writing was good overall, some descriptions could be tightened or cut entirely IMO. Again without knowing where this is going it's difficult to judge but would enjoy reading the whole feature if you plan to post it.

You have a wicked imagination by the way. Would this feature be some kind of weird Harry Potter fantasy tale by any chance?

Good work! Even though I wasn't sure what was happening?

Steve

Steve, thanks for the read, I think you have a few scripts floating around here, so point me to any you're proud of and I'll be happy to return the favor.  

I am with you 100% on tightening the descriptions.  Its a bad habit I have from being a short story writer, then transitioning that style to screenplays, it just doesn't work!  

I think something along the lines of the anti Harry Potter was what I had in mind.  Try to show the world that science, philosophy, thinking and real problem solving will defeat the enemy, no magic necessary.  A polymath is a person who is a genius not only in one field, but in any field they apply themselves in.  In reality, these people do exist - ala Mrs. Somerville - and they have given us some of the greatest gifts ever, unlike our friend Mr. Potter.  

Although I take nothing away from Ms. Rowling as her imagination is one that exceeds most of us here on the planet...  

Thanks again, and let me know what I can read for you.  

Hey Chris,

Actually mate, I have only one script which was posted yesterday, I think. It's called "The Chat Up Line". If you get around to having a look at it, your feedback would be welcome but remember, it's my first attempt so don't be too hard on me!

The anti Harry Potter, how interesting.

Cheers

Steve

Hey Chris

I decided to give this a read. The writing style seems very strange to me. It is hard to explain but I still enjoyed it. There was one sentence where I had to stop and think about it. "The main counter is absent anyone." I still don't get it!   I assumed there wasn't anybody at the counter but then you write "anyone" which confuses me the hell out.

To tell you the truth, I didn't like the room spinning around. I just think that scene has been done so many times that it just takes you out of the moment.

Or maybe it's because I have been watching too much Harry Potter!

As Steve said, it is hard to judge it but I still enjoyed it for what it is currently. I would like to read the the whole thing when you finish it because so far, it seems very interesting.

Mohammad

Hey Chris,

It's always cool to lend an opinion to regularly contributing forum members.
Based on comments, I see this is a fragment to be elaborated upon.
So, I'll treat the pages here accordingly.

Between your opening slug and line, I've read the word "city" three times.
We know it's a city bus from the slug. So, stop that, you.

P. 1 JULES holds up a bum wrapped bottle of whiskey.
       I don't know what that is. Sounds awful painful for that poor bum.

P. 2 Dig how Calvin diffuses the potential violence.
      I'm a big fan of creative non-violent solutions in those situations.

This is an intriguing slice of something else.
Tastes like "The Pagemaster" and "The Neverending Story" at times, and that's fine.

I see the world outside the library all colored with a splash of Dickensian drab.
Makes all the magic seem more vibrant and alluring.

And it sets up my seven favorite words I like to hear from producers...
"What happens next? How does it end?"

Keep me posted on this one.

Regards,
E.D.

Mohammed, thank you for the read and the feedback, I appreciate it.  I try my best to write out the pictures I have in my head, so having said that, I must have strange pictures in my head if the writing comes out that way!  haha...  The line about the counter seems natural to me, but I can see where that would be confusing.  It would of been easier to just say; there's no one at the counter, and be done with it.  I also don't like the room spinning around, truth be told.  I took the easy way out, but when I really start to drill into this, I will come up with a much stronger transition from Library to where ever.  Nice catch on that.  

E.D!  Long time, and thank you for the read as well.  I didn't realize I wrote city 3 times in the open, so thank you for pointing that out, I will get it cleaned up.  

I really don't want to give away the why is this happening and what comes next, because that's the secret sauce to the whole shabang!  The comments here have motivated me to put a beatsheet together and start working through it, so again, thank you to everyone!  

Off to read Clone Wife!!  

Hey Chris,

I've read many mediocre scripts on these boards. I've also read many scripts that try to tackle philosophical ideas, only to embarrass their respective writers.

This had the potential to be both. It wasn't.

Honestly, I highly enjoyed this one. I had no idea what you intended for it until after I read it. I have to say it's a very intriguing concept and I'd love to see what you do with it.

That said, that's not how I interpreted your script at all. It makes a little more sense toward the end where you introduced a genuine supernatural element to the story. But up until then, I read it as something of a philosophical, surrealist piece with a strong, real world grounding and established plot/goals. I saw a lot of Jim Jarmusch in this to be honest, which is a very good thing. The "origami" immediately struck as something he'd already done but that I couldn't remember (turns out, it was paper roses in Dead Man). You made it yours at the end though and the way the origami was used had a different context as well.

The ending was strange. It really didn't tie things up all that much and took a peculiar, unexpected turn that was a little jarring. It's funny though. I was actually going to tell you that the fact the story didn't quite add up didn't bother me and I enjoyed it for what it was. It made me do something few scripts do, which was look something up (The Golden Mean - the origami scene made a lot more sense afterward). That's a good thing, I'd say.

BTW, the dude at the end's Benjamin Franklin, right? Figured I'd throw my guess out there. Franklin's experiment with the kite seems to serve as a nice example for the Golden Mean philosophy (in regards to courage, as mentioned in the Wiki article I checked out).

Anyway, I really don't have much to say as far as gripes. Nothing that would have any relevance as far as I'm concerned. This was quite excellent IMO.

I'm definitely looking forward to see what the feature's like. I expect nothing less than an epic family film as conceived by Jim Jarmusch. Anything less and I will trash it ruthlessly and without consideration for your feelings.

James, thank you so much dude, I really appreciate the review.  You have also enlightened me in the process as I was not familiar with Jim Jarmusch, nor his work.  I did a quick look up of him, and can safely say I'll take a lot of time in studying his films as I move forward with this one.  

You are absolutely correct.  It is Ben Franklin in the end, conducting his famous electricity experiment.  Franklin is probably one of the best known Polymath's in history and he has a very important role in the story as it plays out.  

i'm really grateful for your review dude, it has inspired me to really aim high for this script, so I'll be certain to keep you in the loop as it progresses.  I'd hate to be ruthlessly trashed!!  

Chris

Chris,

Spotted your script, always good to give back to a regular.

I hadn't read the part about this being the start of a feature so the end confused me... Now I understand.

It started off with a nice style of mystery, almost a version of Indiana jones, looking for the secret entrance within the library. Where does this go? Why does he go there? How does he know? All good questions waiting to be answered.

In terms of the writing I think it does need tightening with a touch more focus but the essence came across.

The tramps need a slightly clearer role for me. If they are guardians I think they should be more challenging, part of the test to get past. So far it doesn't truly come across that way. I wasn't sure about dropping a bottle because of a paper house. They should clearly decide he is worthy of passing, at present they seem tied up with the house and forget him. But again the idea does work.

The restricted hours, weird setting, strange card system all have the makings of a hidden sect or secret world. I personally like the idea of such a place right under everyone's nose, down the hidden pathway. Works well with children fantasy.

Where you go after then with the kite and different time era... Heaven knows. Would I want to read it, yes I would, and that's a good sign.

All the best.