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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December, 2011 Urban Legend OWC  ›  Cooked - ULOWC
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  Author    Cooked - ULOWC  (currently 3128 views)
Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cooked by Chris Shamburger (sham) - Short, Horror - A this-or-that of urban legends as an old cat lady goes about her day. - pdf, format


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grademan
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Sham

Nice way to tease us with the cat's near misses. Unknown presence was the clue I read but didn't recall until the end. The title itself is a misdirect. My only recommendation is to draw out the near misses a little more so the audience marvels at how close the cat is to losing a life.

Gary
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_ghostwriters
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Sham...

I think you definitely tipped your hand in the beginning, so when Jacob called, I wasn't to terribly surprised.  But nevertheless it was a very good read.

Ghostie


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mcornetto
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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I thought in the beginning it was going to be the myth you chose but then you sidetracked me with the cat -- which by the way was clever.  

I liked it, you definitely have your voice there.

Crit-wise I would say work on the dialogue because some of it sounded a bit too cardboard in my head.  

Good work though.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

I really enjoyed this and the ending was a surprise to me, I guess I was sidetracked by all the near misses with the cat which were excellent by the way, especially the microwave.

After all the hi jinks with the cat which gave me a chuckle, it was a somber ending but that's what it was supposed to be.

Great work!

Steve
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pale yellow
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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Good story! I never saw the end coming. I was caught up in the cat stuff!

I don't know if you have any cats, but my cat surely wouldn't allow me to toss him in the air and catch him. That seemed unrealistic to me.

The ending was a shock but I liked it.

Dena


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

Your scripts are usually an engaging read and this one's no exception.
Could use this as a writing sample to land the Final Destination 6 script assignment!

I like how you interwove multiple legends to keep the audience guessing.
I don't know how I feel about how the time in the car was handled.
It's all predicated on the audience not being shown something.

Tend to not like twist endings that count on the camera to obscure our view.
Find a way to use the opening dialogue better so this feels like less of a cheat.

There's gotta be some vague rewording of things to improve your surprise.
Have her speak baby talk while she drives, maybe sing a lullaby.
Then have the cat meow, "Oh, you're awake, we're almost home.

If you can smooth out that camera cheat, this is ready to be filmed!
Very good work.

Regards,
E.D.


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Angry Bear
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was good,

I thought I knew for sure the cat would be "cooked" in the microwave, but that didn't happen. I then expected her to drop the cat on the knife, but that didn't happen either. It was instead her grandson in the car that got fried.

So, that worked pretty good, but I think you have some things that need tidying up. First thought that came to me was, who the hell cooks a roast in the microwave?? Second was how could she not know there was a kid in her car. Seems to me the son would have told her. You could easily fix these issues by making Barbara very forgetful.

Other than that I think you did a good job!!


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 3:19am Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed that one.

Like others i was totally focused on the cat and missed the other angle - well done.

To me it just needs bit more to round off the story, but probably not much. I think you mentioned it was short and needed something.

one option would be to extend the time in the car, drive to the petrol station, then a shop. kids often sleep in cars. maybe put the roof down and forget to put it back up.

inside the house maybe the cat could pick up a kids toy?

otherwise sound writing, good story and twist.


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Ryan1
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
Second was how could she not know there was a kid in her car. Seems to me the son would have told her. You could easily fix these issues by making Barbara very forgetful.



She knew the kid was in the car, but it simply slipped her aging mind.  Which unfortunately does happen in real life.

A nice use of misdirection.  I, for one, didn't see the ending coming.  The fact that Davey was in the car from the beginning allowed us to concentrate our attention on him and worry about his fate, little realizing what was going on in the backseat.

And pretty funny stuff with the microwave and the knife.  Your logline told me just enough to wonder which old lady-cat legend you were going to go with, but in the end you went with an actual story I've seen happen in the news many times.

The ending was just right, because you didn't go into the hysterics that would surely follow.  You stopped it right on that moment of sinking dread.  

The only recommendation I would make would be to drop the line where Barbara looks into the rear view mirror.  You don't need it and I can can see how it tipped your hand to some people.

Very good job on this one and I can see this being a very simple but effective short.
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Sham
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think I'll be getting too many other reads, so I'm gonna go ahead and chime in while I have a second.

My goal with this one was to create something short and easy to film.

In case anyone is curious, there are a total of five urban legends I squeezed into this:

Old lady dries pet in microwave.
Stabbed on knives left blade-up in the dishwasher.
Pyrex containers exploding in oven.
Green is an unlucky color for automobiles.
And then, of course, the actual twist.

And Barbara and Davey are both named after the founders of Snopes.com.

I agree with those who mentioned lengthening the scenes with the old lady and the cat. I've been thinking of other fake-out scenarios for both characters to go through before the twist at the end (without it becoming too schtick). Reef Dreamer, I really like your idea of the cat playing with an infant's toy. I might use that.

I really appreciate the feedback from everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read my script.


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Felipe
Posted: January 5th, 2012, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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I don't really have much to add as this was my favorite of the bunch. Brilliant use of misdirection!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: January 13th, 2012, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Good use of misdirection and urban legends. Unfortunately, having worked at two libraries, I can tell that at least once a month some mother would come running into the building crying for help because she stupidly locked her baby in her car. I have never seen a father do that, so I can believe that a grandmother might do this in real life.

Parents also have left their children at the libraries, resulting in us having to stay late and call the police. This one hits way too close to home for me.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 13th, 2012, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris,

I didn't even know about this challenge until Felipe said I should check out your script.



SPOILERS

Like the others, I thought something was going to happen to the kitty. So, you got me there.  

I have to agree with Pia about making the grandmother forgetful because when I saw the car seat it felt like it just came out of left field.
I mean the grandmother seemed a little odd with what you showed us, but not odd enough to forget her grandson in the car (unless you show her forgetting other things in the house).

This was a pretty neat little script though.   I liked it.

It's nice when a script takes a turn in a different direction right when I think I know what is about to happen next.

Good job,
Cindy



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Sham
Posted: April 15th, 2012, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy,

Thanks for checking out my script. Before I get to your comments, let me also give a huge thanks to Felipe for encouraging you to take a look at this. I appreciate it, bud!

I'm glad you enjoyed this one. I also think it could benefit from an additional page, perhaps showing Barbara's forgetfulness, maybe burning the roast beef in the oven which is why she resorts to cooking something in the microwave.

Misdirection is something I've really been striving for in my writing lately, and I'm glad it worked for you. Thanks again.

Chris


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