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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  Cherry Bomb - OWC
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  Author    Cherry Bomb - OWC  (currently 4217 views)
Don
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cherry Bomb by 0 - Short - When a lonely barfly has a one-night stand with a rich man, her life seems to be on the way up... until she becomes the prime suspect in his murder. - pdf, format


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nawazm11
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't really sure about the title but glad you clarified it early on the script.

Wow wow wow, did that baby pack a punch! The dialogue was spot on, it was perfect.

I think you've nailed everything with this. I really can't find a lot to pick on.

One thought though, this ventured a little into the Horror genre later on but I'm not sure if the whole script will be like that... It doesn't really break the rules of the OWC but you should keep that in mind.

Anyway, well done. Loved it, all I have to say. You better finish this.
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greg
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Well written for sure.  Flowed nice.  Liked the second sequence in the bar with the cops pulling their weapons on each other.  Not sure if this really sets up an entire feature, though.  At the same time if there had been a "The End" there I'm not sure I would have been entirely satisfied either.  

The broom in the apartment was also a little bit stating-the-obvious and not really necessarily at all IMO.  

I never really know what to say when reading the first 10 pages of something that's not finished.  I'd probably continue reading because the style is good.  Maybe throw in the sex there rather than jump over it.  

Good job.

Greg


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Angry Bear
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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This script was obviously the 1st 10 pages of a feature.

The beginning of the script had me intrigued, and I was looking forward to the rest of it. And somehow towards the end things sort of fell apart. At least for me. Sorry if my notes are not that great, but I lost my original ones. Hopefully this can be helpful in some way.

I did enjoy your writing style.

Page 1. Nice visuals in the beginning. Clear writing of shots.

Page 2. I like your style of writing so far.

Page 3. I don't have a lot of comments so far, I like to script the way it is.

Page 6. Good thing going with the mixup of Peter and John. You got my attention so far.

Page 7. In my humble little opinion, I think peter's dialogue about telling us where they found John, could be reworked into something better.

Page 8. We have a witnesses that say you were the last one to see him aliveÖ Really? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Who are these people that would know this? Think about it.

Sorry, peter's cop talk doesn't work for me at all. He sounds very bogus.

Page 9. Oh no! You were doing so well, I didn't even have any comments for the beginning of the script, then it sort of turned all wrong on this page.

What does unable to catch her breath mean? She can't get enough oxygen? You make it sound like she's dying. Gasping for air.

Page 10. Peter sees the pedestrian walking towards them. What pedestrian? I think you mean a pedestrian since he is a character that has not been introduced yet.


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Felipe
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear

Page 10. Peter sees the pedestrian walking towards them. What pedestrian? I think you mean a pedestrian since he is a character that has not been introduced yet.


The pedestrian is introduced a little more than halfway through page 9.

---

Much like Pia, I thought the writing was very solid for the first 8 pages. I particularly liked the detail of her having ordered a cherry bomb for herself the following day... Must have been a good night. =D

While I don't think the script necessarily fell apart after page 8, it did get weird way too quickly. I think having her run away takes away from the creepiness of what she just did to those cops. It might make more sense for her to coolly walk out of the bar as they aim their guns into their own heads. Though that might just not fit into what you envision for the rest of the story.

Good work so far... Good luck!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, again...not bad at all.  Very good effort here.  Strong opening, interesting, engaging, and actually has the feel of the first 8 or 9 minutes of a feature.

Some writing mistakes and some awkward phrasings, but loads better than most.

I disagree that things fell apart on Page 8, but IMO, it just wasn't written properly, which took away all the power the scene could have and should have had.  It can be fixed up easily though.

I like this and hope you continue with it and bust it out to feature length.  I do see some legs here for sure.

Very good effort!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  March 7th, 2012, 12:30pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Title - didn't really mean anything. Ok the first pages uses this as a drink, if that is all, i'm not sure thats a great one.

Logline - no mention of powers, an attack, witch craft etc - so when this happen only at page 7/8 whatever it was, i was surprised. Also in what way is her life on the way up?

It all read well but for me the bar scene was just a bit too easy.

The police arrive, she has a fit/attack or some sort runs away in a panic, manages to get onto the roof and is fine. I wonder how this fits with the drunkard at the bar??

I agree this sets up a feature nicely and it would be interested to see where this one goes.

all the best,


My scripts †HERE

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wonkavite
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting...  Didn't quite go where I thought it would.  Well written, kept my attention.  And so far, this is the one only I've read (I'm about 5 in) that I could see as the start of an actual feature.  Most of the others were more suited to be short films.  Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Kudos, I'm actually curious to see where it would go from here....
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grademan
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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A well written script with short dialogue and succinct action lines.  

Gary
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pale yellow
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good. The end sort of fell a little flat for the way things were flowing along to me.

My favorite part of this script was the visual writing. The characters, especially Karen, just came to life....

Good job.


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Ryan1
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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This was tightly written, with some nice lines of dialogue.  I did like the touch with the aspirin, as apparently she uses it to control her witchcraft somehow.  Not crazy about the title, but that's no big deal.  

Somone mentioned the broom in the corner being a bit obvious, and I would agree with that.  Unless the writer plans on using it as some kind of visual gag later on.  

I don't think the police would have enough evidence to arrest her for murder at that point, so that part stretched credibility.  But that was a cool scene with the cops pointing their guns on each other.

A tense ten pages, so good job with that.
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leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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I might have to think about this one a bit. Greg's right, sometimes it's hard without knowing the story.

We have to assume Karen is the protag. So either she did not kill John, or she did in self defense.

Questions: why did the police send 4 uniforms and a detective to pick up one girl who is officially not a suspect?

Why did the detective in the alley say "I'll shoot". She is unarmed. Yeah, she has power, but they don't seem too sure about that, and it won't look good in a report if they say they shot her because she has superpowers. The chief tends to frown on that.

But this was well written, had a nice flow, kept me interested. Deal me in the next hand, I'll read another 10 pages.

Revision History (1 edits)
leitskev  -  March 5th, 2012, 12:54pm
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CoopBazinga
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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An excellent little piece, the writing was fluid and what little niggles there was didnít affect my read and hardly worth mentioning. I also liked your use of mini slugs throughout this, think it helped the flow.

I did like it but was left wondering about whether it has enough weight to carry a feature. It ended well and I would have continued to read on but am not sure if there is enough here to sustain a story. Thatís the hard part when only reviewing 10 pages, hard to judge sometimes. Think it could be changed a little and turned into a great short though.

I liked this but have my doubts whether it can be taken any further? Letís see...

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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Penoyer79
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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i liked this one... simple, straight foward narrative...with the pacing of a short...and with a very interesting protag in Karen.

i'm hooked and i want to read more. great job. one of the better ones ive read.
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mcornetto
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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Good logline. Intriguing.  

I liked the idea of this script and could see it as a film.  I probably wouldn't seek it out myself, however, because it's Noir and I'm not crazy about Noir.  

The dialogue was very good but I found the action a bit dry.  Not that the action was badly written, it just seemed a bit lifeless to me.

If you were going to continue this script, I would definitely recommend you build the beginning a bit more because I think in order to really work this needs to reach a slow boil.  We need to believe these things that are happening to her and care.

Of course, you might have something totally different in mind.

Good work for a week.  
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