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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Admission Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2012, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Admission by Brandon Schinzel - Short, Drama - A power hungry Harvard Admissions Advisor (Ray), has an interesting way of evaluating his prospective students. Trouble starts when pressure from above forces him to confront his integrity and personal biases.  17 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: April 26th, 2012, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Noticed there's no reads on this one - maybe to do with the huge block of dialogue that waits to greet the reader on page 1. Only 17 pages to go ... ho hum.

Okay, I know there's some good stuff later on, but I just wanted to start with this:

RAY (55) white Caucasian, wearing an
expensive suite, approaches the podium microphone addressing
his peers.

-- white and caucasian are the same things, right? But you knew that.
-- and you know the difference between suite and suit, don't you ... ?
-- and the podium microphone wasn't doing the addressing, even though it read like that?

Okay. Got that outta the way.

... 60 pounds overweight
-- maybe just 'overweight' preserves the poor girl's dignity somewhat better?

Right. I finished it. Not too sure what the story is - expected some kind of punch-line, twist, just ... something.

It read fairly well, some grammar issues, tone was fairly nice - but I just don't quite get what the story was trying to tell?
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BrandonSchinzel
Posted: June 1st, 2012, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review.

Yes I have similar reactions to the ending which was left a bit ambiguous.

The script is an attempt to show a character who is put up against challenging his traditional beliefs when he gets a taste of his own medicine. The story also comments on diversity/change.  He gets bit by a bigger fish so to speak.
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