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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Cattraeth Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cattraeth by Jeff Williams - Action, Adventure - The 6th century AD and the people of The Island of Britain are faced with extinction - The Savages, fierce invaders from across the seas, have driven all before them and now control all of the land but for a few beleagured outposts. In one of them, far in the north, an elite force of cavalry gathers - as Roman an army as ever there was - preparing to ride out through The Wall and with fire and iron reclaim The Island for those it truly belongs to. And although none yet know it, their destiny and the future of The Island will all be decided within the walls of Cattraeth. 116 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Jeff, I like your name, as I'm also a Jeff, and I love the subject matter, but as I always say, you (or at least I) can always tell what you're (I'm) in for, based on the logline, and this is no different.

Your logline is bloated and overly long and descriptive.  Opening your script, I can immediately see that the same is on display.

Your passages are too long - don't go over 4 lines and try not to always be at 4.  It makes the read tough, doesn't look good, and reeks of amateur (IMO).

Your opening is very unclear exactly what's supposed to be going on (IMO).  You have a huge V.O., but I'm unclear what's supposed to be going on onscreen while  this "voice" is speaking.

Your opening s so important.  Seriously,  it's make or break, and this one's a break for me for sure, sorry to say.

I recommend you read and comment on other active scripts, so you get to know some peeps in here and they will want to return the favor.  It's a Quid Pro Quo world in here and it definitely works if you want it to.

Good luck and hope to see you on the boards as an active member.  take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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pale yellow
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Welcome back Jeff


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 24th, 2012, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11170
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Quoted from pale yellow
Welcome back Jeff


I'm only on until Saturday, then I'll be traveling again.  Looking to arrive in AZ on the 31st, and move in the following day.  Hope to be up and running immediately, but I'll be busy as a rabbit in heat for the first week or so.

Hope I haven't missed too much in here.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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