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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Boob Job Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 22nd, 2012, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Boob Job by Michelle Paisley - Comedy - After a stressed out gym manager attends a manifestation retreat and wakes up with giant breasts, she's forced to deal with the obsession of her crazed guru. With the help of her friends, she stands up to her cheating boob of a husband and wins the inner confidence she wanted all along. 92 pages - pdf, format


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ChazzChristopher
Posted: June 22nd, 2012, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I'm not even sure you're on here, Michelle, but I just read the entire script.

I meant to just read 15 pages, but ended up wanting to see what happened...that's a good thing.

#1 - Good job on the formatting/grammar/punctuation/spelling - I really wasn't look for all that stuff, but it usually sticks out.  There were maybe a FEW wrong words and such, but overall a very clean script.

#2 - really, really good idea.  I love the concept and think, ultimately, it is a sellable concept, especially right now when Hollywood is looking for dirty chick comedies to capitalize on Bridesmaids.

#3 - Overall a good job in writing good characters within the setting of a comedy.  Not always easy to do.

The bad:

#1 - Some of the plot doesn't really make sense.  Your whole premise is this thing that she can wish or will things into existence.  It happens once and then never really happens again, at least till the very end, when - I assume, since it wasn't implicitly shown - she gets her wish about Gus and Christian.  It just feels haphazard, especially when your WHOLE premise is based on this idea.

#2 - I never really understood the lying making her boobs grow.  Funny? Sure.  But it doesn't really make sense within the world that you've created.

#3 - Tonally, it shifts a little bit.  You start off with kind of broad comedy, then move into this fantasy comedy, which is okay.  1 of my favorite (and I think under-rated) comedies of the last couple of years is 'The Change Up' - broad comedy that moves into fantasy and then keeps the tone right through the rest of the script.  It still keeps the broad comedy appeal but it's asking you to buy into this fantastical concept.  You never quite shift into the fantasy comedy world.  it just...happens.  No real explanation.  No real wonderment.  No confusion.  It just happens.  I feel like you made a conscious choice for that...but in this reader's opinion it wasn't the best choice.

#4 - I think that the ending feels a bit anti-climactic.  it just kind of...happens.  The scene with Christian and Aubrey at the end - there was no real tension, it just went by so quickly.  Same thing with the fight scene with Gus and Christian...it happened so fast, there was no set up and pay off...just...BOOM! The end of the scene.

And really, that's one of the weaknesses of the script.  A great comedy has TONS of set up and pay off.  You kind of got there in some of it, but not enough.  And give tension time to mount.  Have the fight scene be funnily full of tension (is funnily a word?  Did I use it right?)

Overall, I think you have a brilliant concept (in terms that it could sell) and are on your way to having a great script!

Keep writing!  I can't wait to read where this can go!
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