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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Cancer Patient Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Cancer Patient  (currently 1801 views)
Don
Posted: July 23rd, 2012, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Cancer Patient by Alonzo Milbourne - Drama - Cancer kills millions of people a year. This is story of boy meets girl. The pain love and change of two people. A single father has to raise a daughter.  96 pages - pdf, format


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RJ
Posted: August 24th, 2012, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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For starters: Logline - you want to have one sentence (possibly two, if needed) that says BAMN! this is why you want to read my story.

If it looks like a scripts and smells like a scripts, then people will often read it.

FADE IN?

This may seem minor, but straight off the bat, it looks wrong - Sluglines:

INT. DOWNTOWN PC REPAIR SHOP - DAY is how it should look.

You don't want to state OPENING CREDITS in a spec script, specially the way it's written in this.

Also, sorry to say, but the dialogue is extremely 'on the nose'.

Sorry to be blunt, just trying to help, doesn't mean there isn't a good story in there somewhere.

Keep at it and good luck.

Renee
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 26th, 2013, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Your log-line needs work.  This is a good premise for a drama.  But, like said above, you must hook the reader?  This is why you must read my script.  This is what happens.  Yours is a little too vague, and to be honest, could be written better.

I went into it with hope.

Like Renee said, you don't open a spec like that.  She explained the proper, correct way to do so.  

The first page was boring, bland, and pretty dull.  In a screenplay, you need to capture the reader's attention as soon as possible.  You failed to do this.  It was boring, had grammar mistakes, and the dialogue needs work.  Your characters are not robots.  They are REAL people, so make it sound that way.  And make it interesting enugh for people to read on.

This needs a lot of work.  I didn't really get a feel in the script that you yourself, were even into writing it.

Don't give up though.  Consider revising and editing.  And taking this constructive advice on board.  Good luck


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

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(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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