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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Aiding The Enemy Moderators: bert
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  Author    Aiding The Enemy  (currently 987 views)
Don
Posted: August 24th, 2012, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Aiding The Enemy by Peg Tittle - Short - Aiding the Enemy (short drama 15min) - When Private Ann Jones faces execution for “aiding the enemy,” she points to American weapons manufacturers who sell to whatever country is in the market.  12 pages - pdf, format


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pale yellow
Posted: August 24th, 2012, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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Took a look at this.

The log needs some work IMO.

The script reads fairly well. One thing I noticed is that all the people you tried to intro in that first paragraph ..most of them could be eliminated by a description of them as a whole. Since most of them are not speaking, and we don't learn more about them, it is confusing to the reader ...who may think they will have to remember all of those names.

The story was pretty good. I feel like the end could've been done differently. I usually don't like flashbacks, but you used them well here and it provided a clear visual of what took place that got your main to this predicament.

Decent little story here. Enjoyed the read.

py


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danbotha
Posted: August 27th, 2012, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Peg,

I'm going to hold back most of my in-depth comments for now, until you make an appearance.

What I will say is, this... I did like this. I appreciate what you were going for with the story. It's a sensitive topic and I thought you handled it without too many graphic scenes. You didn't overkill the rape parts.

The writing needs quite a bit of work. It's way overwritten in some places. As for the dialogue, good. You seem to have a clear understanding of how conversations work and you managed to avoid awkward lines.

I have more, but I'll share if/when you make an appearance on the boards. Just send a pm

Dan


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