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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  House - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    House - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3363 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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House by Adiams - Short - needed refuge from the weather, she find a place, make a unexpected acquainted character, ho hide a dark mystery.  - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Here we go again...

A quick glance at the logline and you knnow exactly what you're in for here.  I got about 6 lines in and said that's about 6 lines too many.

Some of the worst grammar and overall writing I've seen in awhile, sorry to say.

That's all from me.  Read scripts, research how to write on the internet.  If English isn't your first language, my apologies...if it is, you owe me an apology.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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danbotha
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say, I agree with Jeff.

The script is riddled with grammatical errors and it really is quite a chore getting through the writing. However, having said that, if English isn't your first language, then it isn't too bad. You just need to touch up on a few things.

If your story is good, people will read this. Unfortunately, I couldn't get into the little story you have here. I got to Page 2 and decided to put it down. There was nothing keeping me into the story. The little dialogue that you do have is incredibly awkward and on the nose.

Just a few things:

- It's generally advised in screenplay writing to not have Page 1 numbered.

-Don't introduce Maria as "a girl", introduce her as MARIA (in CAPS). It was confusing when this Maria character started talking, but we had no idea who she was??

-The Narrator needs to be in CAPS.

Page 1: "She entered..." - Try "she enters..." . Keep it in Present-tense.

Can't go much further I'm afraid.

Keep writing. Congrats on getting the OWC finished.

Dan


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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Needs work.


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pale yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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I think this needs a lot of work. Grammar. Spelling. Formatting.

Needs a rewrite....I couldn't make it past page one. Sorry.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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An antique motel.  
What's that? Is it worth anything?

I take it English is not your first language.
This may very well be your first script you ever written, or the second.
Maybe you burned midnight oil and got yourself a fifth of Jack Daniels.
If nothing else, proofread.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry the logline is a horror and the first page is a horror... just blocks and blocks of words...
4 lines max on our actions/descriptions... very hard to read

sorry
good job on entering

Mark


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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I think the author has issues with English so I couldn't make it past page 2. Also, I stopped on this dialogue:

MARIA
Wow, was not expecting a Antonio
Pigafetta they explorer, the book
of Congo region, Latin 1598, with
illustrations by the brother De
Bry, that is a find.

that just felt so forced. No way anyone says that with a straight face and not gasp for air. I feel the author might be a beginner. If so, keep your dialogue short and sweet and focus on using action to tell the story. That will ameliorate the English issues somewhat.

Good try though.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Well, there are things that go without saying, but I'm going to say them anyway. First of all, kudos for trying to write in a language you're not quite familiar with. I, sure as hell, wouldn't want to attempt something like that.

However, that's no excuse if you decided to enter this contest. You entered and you should be prepared for the criticism. There were some times when the translation wasn't awful and times were it was atrocious.

As for the actual story, there wasn't much going on, to be honest. They spent the whole thing talking about a book and then cannibalism got brought up. I don't think much of it was lost in the translation. I think you had something you wanted to talk about but weren't sure how to say it.

Because of that, the script becomes a poorly conceived (and structured) mess. Best of luck if you try a rewrite.

F.


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SteveCadieux
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:18am Report to Moderator
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Thank for all the reply, it will be constructive at the end, and yes, i am french Canadian, lol. But thank you for the comment, i know were to work on.
Steve Cadieux
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danbotha
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Well we know who wrote it now...

Perhaps you should read what the OWC is actually about?


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ABennettWriter
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Ho my God is my new favorite expression.

I'm not really making fun of you, but since you blew your own cover, I guess it's OK.
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marnieml
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Some serious issues here.  I won't even address the grammar because I don't think that's laziness, I think there is a language barrier.  As for the writing...

First....Maria talks to herself outloud.  That never comes across as natural.  I mean, how many times do you have full conversations with yourself outloud?

You need to intro characters like this: " In the door stands HARRY, old man,"

(he move to a chair and sit, waving her to sit on they other side of the table) --  several of these wrylies are way too long and need to be written as action.

As for the story...there was just too much talking so you told us everything and that gets old fast.  It's hard to connect to a character if they just talk and talk.  Because of that I sort of glazed over and didn't really understand what the story was about.  

Just keep writing.  Work on character development through their actions.  What can you tell about someone by just watching them?  Their facial expressions, gestures?  Somethimes that is more telling than what comes out of their mouths.




  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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crookedowl
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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I agree with the others, this could use some work. I think the problems have already been pointed out, so I won't go there.

Keep writing, and read some scripts.

Good job completing the OWC.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sure if I tried to write a script in French, and used an online translator, it would probably come out just like this one.  Good on ya for attempting it, but next time get an English speaker to proofread for you.  Then you'll be able to avoid lines like:

"Got cut in the rain, are you?"

Merci.
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