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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Into The Eye - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Into The Eye - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4000 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2012, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Into The Eye by Anonymous Tim - Short, dark comedy - When two storm chasers are forced by a hurricane to take refuge in an abandoned motel, they soon discover the locals are more challenging than the weather. - pdf, format


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mcornetto  -  October 20th, 2012, 7:22am
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mcornetto
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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That certainly was a drak comedy...

Pretty good for a few days work.   I liked this the best of those I've read so far.   I'm not sure it really meet all the criteria in the brief (mostly the decision part) but it's close enough.  

And with a small rewrite it could be made very micro-budget.  

I would also like to see Albert and Boyd as British storm-chasing tourists because it would be much funnier - IMHO.

Nice work.

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Gage
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty funny.  Not a big fan of Boyd hearing voices - I know part of the challenge required him to have a supernatural backstory, but the reveal was odd and seemed pointless other than to pull out a few jokes.  Billy Joe was a delightfully twisted character and I love Betsy's bluntness.  Good job!


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stevie
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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Very good - and funny - first few pages.

The Owner continues the laughs then it gets bogged down a bit. Too much dialogue there, most of it unfunny.

Betsy's appearance was a tad too violent and didn't fit in with the comic theme (I didn't see this as 'dark comedy').

Writing was ok, had no prob with the formatting.

Cheers stevie


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Tommyp
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Weird story here, although I liked it.

A man tried to connect to a dead woman and the woman killed him the first chance she had. Classic.

The dialogue often was too much and went too far and could have been cleaned up I think.

The voices and sixth sense thing was redundant I think.

Not sure why there are random capitals for random words either.

Good stuff though.


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nawazm11
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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I was staring at "drak comedy" for a good few minutes, trying to decipher what it meant. Searching it on google, it corrected the mistake. I won't blame you though, I'm pretty sure I spelt my title wrong?

Anyway, onto the story. This was pretty good considering you were attempting an unpopular genre. I laughed at most of the jokes. You did a nice job with the one location but would've liked a little more action, besides that, a good piece.

I found a few typos here and there but the writing style wasn't bad.

It's strange how much one of your characters matches the one in my short.

Also, I think I know who wrote this? Guess we'll see when the names get released.
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LC
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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Bit of a 'WTF did I just read' really.

I give you points for getting all the stipulations of the challenge in there, but as a result it was a bit of a messy read for me.

And, a few of the plot points beggared belief - why the owner shot one of the guys just like that stumped me. And why one of them appeared to be scared of storms and wanted to get the heck out of there - when the eye of the storm was almost upon them, when it is their role as storm chasers - stymied me as well.

Also, I really think you needed to give the 'Owner' a name to begin with and stipulate their gender.

To sum up, I found myself skipping ahead in parts and the dialogue was a bit puerile (jmo) - sorry, but even if it was befitting the characters I did find it kinda tiresome.

Gotta say though the brief for this one was tough and you got it written so well done on that! Plus I see many other folks enjoy it so, horses for courses.

Good job.


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rc1107
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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It was certainly entertaining.

I first saw 'Drak Comedy', and I thought it was some reference to Dracula, so I was waiting for another vampire twist.  I don't know if I would consider this a dark comedy.  Dark comedy is funny BECAUSE it's depraved, but at the same time, serious and moody.  This was dick and underwear jokes while supernatural and violent things just happened and weren't related to the dirty humor.

Though, like I said, it was still entertaining and met the challenge requirements.  Both Boyd and Albert did make the choice to do this, and they wound up surviving the night, so it does pass that requirement in my book.

It gets a little stale and ho-hum and over the top cheesy at the end, with the boys leaving to go to a titty bar instead of a hospital like Albert was trying to do the whole time.

But you've met the requirements of the challenge and entertained me at the same time.  Congratulations on some good work!

- Mark


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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, as a comedy this didn't work and really just lagged to the end.  There were some clever dialogue exchanges but it wasn't enough for me to think of it as a comedy, even a dark one at that.  There were some cool ideas in here with the hurricane serving as a way to connect with the dead - very good usage of that.  But I think this should have been anything but a comedy because when they weren't cracking jokes it just kinda limped along, and then toward the end when shit's getting serious, someone makes a wise-crack and it feels out of place.

Some of the lines were funny but I think the tone should have gone in another direction.

Owner should also be referred to as his name, I think.

Good usage of the hurricane, though.  Thought those ideas were really cool.

Greg


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Reggie
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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The punch line was hilarious.  The buildup from the beginning was good, but I felt at times that the story was a bit slow. I didnít think all the details you provided was necessary. But the story did add a comedic twist to it. The middle and ending were balanced out. And after all, this story has enough conflict and emotion. I just think that the computer necessarily ties in with the plot.

The action lines were all lean. I havenít notice any grammar errors. I see all the visuals and they all flowed well together. This story is well thought out.
The dialogue are all lean and they donít sound silted either.  

I have spent enough time with these characters. All the characters had their own voices and they were in 3D. I can identify with all these characters, well, except for the owner, even though heís distinctive.I think itís the best story thus far.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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The good - you completed a script that seemed to meet most or maybe even all of the criteria...

but...

The bad - I'm sorry, but I quit after 2 pages, because of all the mistakes, the poor writing, the botched logline, the dialogue, the complete lack of attention to detail...fuck...I don't knnow...just couldn't go on.

Sorry, I guess this was supposed to be a comedy, and maybe I didn't read it as such, but it didn't work for me at all, and I'm sorry...maybe I was tired.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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RJ
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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Was getting into it to start, then by page 5, was really over all the dialogue, sorry.

Moving on from page 5 - liking the owner, but agree he needs a name to begin with.

I don't get the shooting of Boyd.

I didn't see the 'choice' between good and evil to survive the night though - They were forced by the owner - no deciding there.

As a whole, like others, I liked the story. I liked the use of Betsy and the meaning with her resting in piece.

Good Job.
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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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There were some nice exchanges that were funny. I think to go comedy for this type of challenge is ballsy as you've got to nail the "Shawn of the Living Dead"/"Tucker & Dale" feel to make it work. Maybe on a next run through the author can nail it...

it worked for the most part, but there were bits were some lines were forced to setup a joke later on.

Decent job. Easy enough to film.
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pale yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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This was prolly my fav of the first five posted.

I don't think you needed to shooting of Boyd. I'm not sure the whole alter room thing is doable on a tight budget but maybe.

Storm chasers though was a quite unique take on it. It wasn't laugh out  loud comedy but I did get a couple chuckles.

Decent job in my opinion


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Eoin
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Someone decided to have a shot at lavatory style comedy. I'm guessing this was written with tongue firmly planted in cheek, or at least I hope it was.

Redneck Motel, my spider senses are tingling.

Dialouge, well, seemed to be forced just for the hell of it. By the end of page 2, I'm rolling my eyes.

How do the rules of water boiling change in lower atmospheric pressure?, only a variable changes, which yields an expected result . . .

Few typos, like 'Annoyed, Albert he reaches . . .' no need for 'he'.

Arse? Albert is British . . . ?

This one seems like it's a total pisser.
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