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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Skitzo - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Skitzo - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4052 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Skitzo by Anonymous Ted - Short - {no logline} - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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khamanna
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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This is a nice story, well written too. The dialog was the best part , it just flows.

The only thing - him Charles falling in love with Maggie seems very fast and thus a bit forced.

SPOIlers
Her and Tom being one is a great twist.

Nice take on an OWC
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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This is another one like whatever I just read - since the writing is competent out of the gate, there's a false asumption that it's going to be good.

I'm sorry, but this got ridiculous so fast and the dialogue was so corny, it became funny, in a wierd way.

I don't want to be mean, but it just played out like a High School stage play of Psycho.  I think you literally gave away the entire script in your logline, even.

Not bad overall.  Good job.  Much better than many, but I think if you read this back and think about the speed of this relatoinship, and the things they say, literally on their very first few seconds together, you may hear what I'm saying.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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RJ
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting story. I liked the characters and initial setting, but some of the description and dialogue at the start may have worked better if it were cut and although some of the dialogue flowed well, on the nose parts kind of threw me a little. I also don't believe that Maggie would let him have his card back - I thought she would have kept it - just saying.

However, as the story progressed it read a lot smoother. i liked it a lot more. Don't know whether I completely understand the 'choice between good and evil', but liked the ending. Very dramatic. It worked.

Good effort.
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marnieml
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this.  Nice twist!!  But is mental illness supernatural?  To me it was more of a psychological thriller.

Anyway, I really liked it.  Very good job for a difficult OWC.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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crookedowl
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Your writing is decent, but your dialogue is very wooden and needs work.


***SPOILERS***

I thought the conversation at the diner was interesting, but like I said, the dialogue pretty much ruined it.

I think the main problem with the dialogue is the amount of periods you use. You break sentences up, making it read choppy and interrupting the flow. In real life, people don't talk in short, choppy sentences.

Tom seemed to take the big reveal at the end oddly well... Seemed kinda rushed to me.

You have an interesting story here. Kind of a retelling of Psycho. This has the potential to work, but it could be executed better.

Good job completing the OWC.
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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:26am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I can't figure out what the supernatural element is here.  There might be something going on at the end but I really have no idea.  "She speaks in Tom's voice."  Huh?  His caressing a knife all over her body.  Huh?

The dialogue is full of contradictions and stuff that doesn't make sense.  Big storm and evacuations yet Maggie tells this soaking guy to leave?  Then he has to pay double for a room that's vacant?  Then he asks if there's a diner nearby just seconds after saying that all of the roads are closed due to flooding?

I'm not really sure what exactly went on but for some reason I still liked this.  I guess it was just the un-serious tone in the first half that made it likable.

Has its issues but I dunno.  I kinda liked it.

Greg


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pale yellow
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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This was ok for me. The characters were ok. I didn't really like the mental angle BUT it was original compared to some of the other entries.

The dialogue I thought was corny and back and forth a lot.

I guess this was just 'ok' for me. Not one of my favorites but at least I made it through the end

Good job at completing an owc.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I had two serious worries about this script even before I opened it. The first is that your title is spelled incorrectly (some people spell it like that, the slang version, but spelling it that way had no bearing on the story so there's no reason not to spell it the proper way). The other is that there was no logline.

Combining those two things was very troubling... yet it helped your script. Perhaps this isn't the best thing but my expectations were severely lowered by that so I probably liked the script better than I was originally going to.

The criticisms have been accurate, though, when they say that the dialogue is weak. It is. Probably, for me, the weakest part of the script.

I like the execution, overall, but things moved way too fast (a case of only being allowed 12 pages? Probably) whereas this would have played better as a slow burn thriller.

That said, I still liked it, probably more than I should have, but slow things down and improve the dialogue and you'll be off and running.

C+.


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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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I don't see anything supernatural here.  Yeah, Charles had a weird thing happen in his past, but that didn't play into any sort of "decision" he had to make.  I like the idea of Tom and Maggie being one, but the whole supernatural guideline and choice between good and evil was pretty much abandoned.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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I liked this.

It was simple, focused and for the most part believable. Unlike others I found a naturalness to a lot of the dialogue, not saying it can't be mproved or we could pick out issues, but it flowed. Liked it.

The twist I did see coming but it didn't matter much, other than wasn't wholly sure about the self inflicted killing. Accident caused by rage maybe. Also the affection at the end seemed a bit over the top but that's just being picky.

Assured work.


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Reef Dreamer  -  October 23rd, 2012, 3:27am
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

It was an okay read for me. I found the chemistry between Charles and Maggie enjoyable enough - a bit forced but hey, you did what you could in 12 pages. I usually don't mind drawn out dialogue sequences if the dialogue is witty and and smooth back/forth exchange but I found the dialogue between your leads a little awkward and corny. You did have some funny lines like Maggie's "What part of evacuation do you want me to explain?" and "I got insurance" - I did LOL at those.

I did like the twist you had with Maggie - you had also hinted at Charles' mental problems so I wasn't sure which direction you were going to take. The ending tried to be dramatic and well...I just didn't care. I wasn't sad...I was just like ok. LOL Sorry.

Not the worst in the challenge. Likeable characters, nice twist - worth a read!


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Ryan1
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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I thought the dialogue was pretty good here.  Certainly not the most original entry, as it borrows generously from Psycho.  Even the title.  But I liked the unhinged quality that Maggie had from the very first scene.  I think I would've liked it better if Maggie killed Charles at the end, then dumped his body out back, where it turns out she has a whole bone yard full of unfortunate travelers who ran into good ol' "Tom."

Pretty bad typo on 5, where Maggie says Tom has "some metal problems."  There's also a blank page 12 attached.

I think this is worth a rewrite, just ditch the maudlin stuff at the end and go for a shocker climax.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say that I was really worried when I saw there was no logline and that the script title was left aligned on the title page.

So it was surprising to see that this was actually not badly written once getting past fade in.

Unfortunately, this one wasn't for me. Its not a bad little story, plays a little close to Psycho perhaps but I just couldn't get past the unnatural and on the nose dialogue.

It started off well enough but when they moved into the dining room and started chatting over a glass of wine, the warning signs were appearing. Do people just start sharing their mental problems from the past with random strangers - I doubt it and that meant it felt forced. And I know the brief said about "Odd but interesting" characters but honestly, this:

"Here's to two odd, but very interesting people."

C'mon now - did you need to throw that in there. At least I know you've ticked that one of the agenda.

And Charles who's known Maggie for all of five minutes asking why she doesn't get up and leave the motel. Would you do that unless you know for a fact that the person in question is unhappy - again I doubt it and there is no way for Charles to know this.

Then Maggie talking about her mentally-ill brother like he's just some random cat who comes and goes as he pleases. Just wasn't ringing true with me.

After that, it started to go downhill with a sudden love story going on and then the big reveal which isn't bad in itself but things like "She speaks in Tom's voice." Huh? I didn't think Tom was real? So it should either just be Maggie talking or you could have had a husky voice...something like that.

Charles could also be better handled - you have a character that has had a traumatic childhood and now has to sleep with the lights on but he doesn't break a sweat or get nervous at all in a dark motel with only a little candle light around. I think you could play up to this flaw more and give this a darker tone.

The writing wasn't bad but it could be better. Other than than the usual typo, this suffered from a bit of repetitiveness in the action "across the floor" being a big offender in the last few pages. There was also some really awkward lines "swallows a glass of water." being one example, and a few technical issues but most of this this can be easily fixed up.

It's the dialogue that needs the most attention, IMO. It needs to be more natural and not feel so forced.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Revision History (1 edits)
CoopBazinga  -  October 27th, 2012, 9:17am
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nawazm11
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry but I just can't get past the fact that this is a near complete copy of Psycho. It may not seem like it but the twist is exactly the same, just told in a slightly different way. I really can't judge it properly when good old Norman Bates keeps telling me that it wasn't original.

Perhaps if I'd never watched the movie or it was never made, this wouldn't be as bad. Maybe you haven't seen the movie?

The writing wasn't bad and I feel you knew how to tell a story.

I apologize for the harsh comments.

My grade: C- but take that lightly.
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