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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Darkness - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Darkness - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3133 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Darkness by Anonymous Oscar - Short - A murderer refuses to follow his supernatural master's orders and leaves his victim to live, only to find himself as the new victim. - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...

Well...uh...there's lots of problems going on here, but it ain't as bad as some, and you did attempt to craft some sort of story, so that's good.

Not sure I've ever read a scrpit that uses both "million" and "millionth".  Also, pretty sure I've never seen "sperm leftovers" used anywhere.

There's alot of really awkward phrasings going on and just downright odd or strange choices made by the writer.

For 4 1/2 pages, one of your 3 characters is called "Woman", even in her dialogue.  Then, she tells the other 2 that her name is actually Winter, so then, from here on out, she's referred to as Winter.  That's a big old rookie mistake.

Very whacky script here and sorry to say, not a very good one at that.  Good job entering, though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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kingcooky555
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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When I saw the name "job" i was thinking here we go again... time to bust out my bible cliff notes. But it didn't go that route thankfully.

I didn't get the names though. I did get a laugh on page 9 when Darkness yells "Oh for f---- sake." I don't buy the ending where he shoots himself.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know what to make of this one, to be honest. With your description of Darkness, all I could imagine was one of the Langoliers as the head of a human body (pretty cool image when I think about it).

I mean, he's Job's Tyler Durden but he can also manipulate Winter? I guess he's not Job's hallucination but more, as the name implies, the darkness in each of us?

Anyway, the story was a little messy and I don't know why the cops were even going to show up in the end or where Winter came from? Also, both of their deaths were extremely abrupt and I was surprised about how little attention was paid to them.

Needs work, but I think there could be something here if you dig a little deeper.

C-.


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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A WOMAN in her twenties, innocent looking, stands on her
knees in the middle of the room.


I have to admit, I chucked at this line right out of the gates…

Stands on her knees, that is.

Why didn’t you give her a name though?

You should have described DARKNESS some…

Leaving it ambiguous is just irritating IMO…

Um…Where did winter come from?

I’m not to sure where to go with this other than it seems metaphorical perhaps.

The story was written well enough but it did seem to grind on a bit with the back and forth. You got a sense early on, he was really just talking to himself, which made that room feel really small after awhile.

I can’t fault the writer for format, grammar etc…

It all looked fine.

I just didn’t get a feel for what the writer was really trying to get across.

Maybe it was the names and lack of them that threw me off…

Shawn…..><




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nawazm11
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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This was a strange piece, I like some parts but hated more sorry to say.

Darkness' image was pretty rad, he reminds me of that Venom/Slender man combined.

I felt that the writing was really rushed and it was hard to get into. A few too many uses of the double dash as well.

The story was confusing, I didn't really know what happened and what it meant? Darkness convinces people to find their inner-self and go murder others? I don't know if it was a metaphor for something else but I just didn't understand.

There was an attempt at a story here but it was really rushed. Things just happen because they were meant to happen. With a few more rewrites, I think you could have something but the story needs depth and focus.

My grade: D+ but take that lightly.

Good job on completing the OWC.
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pale yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't make it to the end of this one. I know the winner is getting the table read thing BUT I dislike so much dialogue and especially on the nose dialogue.

This one wasn't for me. Sorry.


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crookedowl
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I didn't make it very far in this, either.

Some on the nose dialogue, and some awkward sentences here and there.

You should work on your action paragraphs, and spend time making sure you're doing them right. They seemed pretty rushed here.

Good job completing the OWC.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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The idea of a debate effectively raging between two parties as to whether darkness, evil, etc will take over is well established and quite reliable, so not a bad idea for this OWC.

Alas this one didn't quite do it for me, but with changes maybe developed into an interesting easy to film short, that is if you can work out what darkness looks like because I couldn't!!

Best of luck.


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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Good idea, I'm also glad it didn't go the Bible route like so many of these OWCs have.  Still, it could be better.  I knew Darkness was going to turn her and do all sorts of evil things, and yeah, that happened.  There was just something that this script lacked... surprises, perhaps?  I don't quite know.  Maybe the ending just left me dissatisfied.


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Page 1. More religious names. Lets see how this one will work out..

Page 3. I’m curious at this point why you decided not to give the woman a name...

Can the woman see Darkness?

Page 5. blood and sperm on the floor? How will an audience know it’s sperms? Why not say a used wet condom?

I’m on page 9 and I’m wondering if Winter can see Darkness now? If so, I must have missed when that change happened.

Finished. I have mixed feeling about this one. I like the idea of Darkness being with Job and urging him to kill and that no one else sees him and that when he fails to kill her, she turns on him. It needs work though and I wished that the dialogue had been deeper and not so repetitive. I also would have appreciated some backstory on all the characters.

Good job for one week.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Very odd.  But, not a bad idea for a short.  I liked how the supposedly innocent woman turned out to be the biggest psycho of all.  

Suffers from a lack of clarity and unnecessary description in places.  Dialogue was also weak in spots.  A rewrite would really strengthen this.
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Eoin
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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I think you could have been a little bit more imaginative with your choice of character names. WOMAN is a little bit bland.

Odd dialouge, like, 'You don’t deserve a word.'

From some of the awkward action description, like, 'The glass crackles', I'm guessing English isn't your first language. Even at that, you write better than I do

The weather conditions outside should be established earlier, used as part of the atmosphere.

The most stand out and truly bizzare line, for many reasons, both biological and action description, '. Some dried-up blood and sperm leftovers on the brown floor.' Okay . . .

Don't see where the fake vampire fangs belong in this story.

Ultimately, the story didn't make much sense to me.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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I was trying to get past Job, Darkness and Woman(then Winter)... I'm sorry but I struggled through this one.... maybe the lack of real names didn't help...

The grammar and spelling were tight... But the story lacked for me

Good job on finishing

Mark


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greg
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Ehhh.  The dialogue here is what mostly ruined it for me.  I get that Darkness is supposed to be...well, dark...but he goes back and forth from odd to serious and it didn't have a good balance or consistency, nor did Winter and Job's exchanges.

I was gonna say that Job slipping his rope was too convenient but I see that Darkness probably allowed it to see them fight.  Still, it felt a little anti-climactic.

Not a bad idea but could use some touching up.

Greg


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