SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 3rd, 2020, 1:57pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Writer's Tournament is on!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Darkness - 10/12 OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Darkness - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3218 views)
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:02pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Darkness by Anonymous Oscar - Short - A murderer refuses to follow his supernatural master's orders and leaves his victim to live, only to find himself as the new victim. - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
Posts Per Day
Oh boy...

Well...uh...there's lots of problems going on here, but it ain't as bad as some, and you did attempt to craft some sort of story, so that's good.

Not sure I've ever read a scrpit that uses both "million" and "millionth".  Also, pretty sure I've never seen "sperm leftovers" used anywhere.

There's alot of really awkward phrasings going on and just downright odd or strange choices made by the writer.

For 4 1/2 pages, one of your 3 characters is called "Woman", even in her dialogue.  Then, she tells the other 2 that her name is actually Winter, so then, from here on out, she's referred to as Winter.  That's a big old rookie mistake.

Very whacky script here and sorry to say, not a very good one at that.  Good job entering, though.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Private Message Reply: 1 - 27
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

New York
Posts Per Day
When I saw the name "job" i was thinking here we go again... time to bust out my bible cliff notes. But it didn't go that route thankfully.

I didn't get the names though. I did get a laugh on page 9 when Darkness yells "Oh for f---- sake." I don't buy the ending where he shoots himself.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 27
Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:40pm Report to Moderator

What good are choices if they're all bad?

Nowhere special.
Posts Per Day
I don't know what to make of this one, to be honest. With your description of Darkness, all I could imagine was one of the Langoliers as the head of a human body (pretty cool image when I think about it).

I mean, he's Job's Tyler Durden but he can also manipulate Winter? I guess he's not Job's hallucination but more, as the name implies, the darkness in each of us?

Anyway, the story was a little messy and I don't know why the cops were even going to show up in the end or where Winter came from? Also, both of their deaths were extremely abrupt and I was surprised about how little attention was paid to them.

Needs work, but I think there could be something here if you dig a little deeper.


Private Message Reply: 3 - 27
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

A WOMAN in her twenties, innocent looking, stands on her
knees in the middle of the room.

I have to admit, I chucked at this line right out of the gates…

Stands on her knees, that is.

Why didn’t you give her a name though?

You should have described DARKNESS some…

Leaving it ambiguous is just irritating IMO…

Um…Where did winter come from?

I’m not to sure where to go with this other than it seems metaphorical perhaps.

The story was written well enough but it did seem to grind on a bit with the back and forth. You got a sense early on, he was really just talking to himself, which made that room feel really small after awhile.

I can’t fault the writer for format, grammar etc…

It all looked fine.

I just didn’t get a feel for what the writer was really trying to get across.

Maybe it was the names and lack of them that threw me off…


e-mail Reply: 4 - 27
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:41pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
This was a strange piece, I like some parts but hated more sorry to say.

Darkness' image was pretty rad, he reminds me of that Venom/Slender man combined.

I felt that the writing was really rushed and it was hard to get into. A few too many uses of the double dash as well.

The story was confusing, I didn't really know what happened and what it meant? Darkness convinces people to find their inner-self and go murder others? I don't know if it was a metaphor for something else but I just didn't understand.

There was an attempt at a story here but it was really rushed. Things just happen because they were meant to happen. With a few more rewrites, I think you could have something but the story needs depth and focus.

My grade: D+ but take that lightly.

Good job on completing the OWC.
Private Message Reply: 5 - 27
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
I didn't make it to the end of this one. I know the winner is getting the table read thing BUT I dislike so much dialogue and especially on the nose dialogue.

This one wasn't for me. Sorry.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 27
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
Guest User

Yeah, I didn't make it very far in this, either.

Some on the nose dialogue, and some awkward sentences here and there.

You should work on your action paragraphs, and spend time making sure you're doing them right. They seemed pretty rushed here.

Good job completing the OWC.
e-mail Reply: 7 - 27
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Part time writer

The Island of Jersey
Posts Per Day
The idea of a debate effectively raging between two parties as to whether darkness, evil, etc will take over is well established and quite reliable, so not a bad idea for this OWC.

Alas this one didn't quite do it for me, but with changes maybe developed into an interesting easy to film short, that is if you can work out what darkness looks like because I couldn't!!

Best of luck.

My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link...
Private Message Reply: 8 - 27
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:02am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
Good idea, I'm also glad it didn't go the Bible route like so many of these OWCs have.  Still, it could be better.  I knew Darkness was going to turn her and do all sorts of evil things, and yeah, that happened.  There was just something that this script lacked... surprises, perhaps?  I don't quite know.  Maybe the ending just left me dissatisfied.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 27
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 11:50am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse

The Swamp...
Posts Per Day
Page 1. More religious names. Lets see how this one will work out..

Page 3. I’m curious at this point why you decided not to give the woman a name...

Can the woman see Darkness?

Page 5. blood and sperm on the floor? How will an audience know it’s sperms? Why not say a used wet condom?

I’m on page 9 and I’m wondering if Winter can see Darkness now? If so, I must have missed when that change happened.

Finished. I have mixed feeling about this one. I like the idea of Darkness being with Job and urging him to kill and that no one else sees him and that when he fails to kill her, she turns on him. It needs work though and I wished that the dialogue had been deeper and not so repetitive. I also would have appreciated some backstory on all the characters.

Good job for one week.

Private Message Reply: 10 - 27
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Very odd.  But, not a bad idea for a short.  I liked how the supposedly innocent woman turned out to be the biggest psycho of all.  

Suffers from a lack of clarity and unnecessary description in places.  Dialogue was also weak in spots.  A rewrite would really strengthen this.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 27
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 4:41pm Report to Moderator

just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Posts Per Day
I think you could have been a little bit more imaginative with your choice of character names. WOMAN is a little bit bland.

Odd dialouge, like, 'You don’t deserve a word.'

From some of the awkward action description, like, 'The glass crackles', I'm guessing English isn't your first language. Even at that, you write better than I do

The weather conditions outside should be established earlier, used as part of the atmosphere.

The most stand out and truly bizzare line, for many reasons, both biological and action description, '. Some dried-up blood and sperm leftovers on the brown floor.' Okay . . .

Don't see where the fake vampire fangs belong in this story.

Ultimately, the story didn't make much sense to me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 27
irish eyes
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Upstate New York
Posts Per Day
I was trying to get past Job, Darkness and Woman(then Winter)... I'm sorry but I struggled through this one.... maybe the lack of real names didn't help...

The grammar and spelling were tight... But the story lacked for me

Good job on finishing


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 27
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Oh Hi

San Diego, California
Posts Per Day
Ehhh.  The dialogue here is what mostly ruined it for me.  I get that Darkness is supposed to be...well, dark...but he goes back and forth from odd to serious and it didn't have a good balance or consistency, nor did Winter and Job's exchanges.

I was gonna say that Job slipping his rope was too convenient but I see that Darkness probably allowed it to see them fight.  Still, it felt a little anti-climactic.

Not a bad idea but could use some touching up.


Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 27
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2012 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating
There is currently no rating for this thread
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006