Another Chance by Olga Tremaine - Short, Thriller - A snowboarder gets a concussion and meets his subconscious. 5 pages - pdf, format

Olga,

Nicely written. As to the story I’m not sure what to take from this. There’s something of a disconnect in the logic at the end. Given that Alex has been lying concussed in the snow for some time wouldn’t he ask for help from the Woman (or have it offered) rather than shrug it off and stay outside to call Emily?

WOMAN
It’s just us. Tony my husband, our kids and myself.

This line came across as a little on the forced side. Would somebody reveal that much information to a stranger so readily?

p.2 ‘the Elderly eats’ Did you mean Elderly Man?

p.4 Does Alex put his boots/jacket back on before he storms out of the cabin? Just a niggle, but he took them off when he went in and if you don’t show it he’s out there barefoot.

Steve.

Hi Olga,

I like the concept of the story, but I'm not sure I liked the execution. The dialogue was the biggest problem. It was a mixture of being on-the-nose and just sorta cliché. I felt like the Elderly Man should've been more ominous than he was. Instead of just saying he knew Alex, he should've shown it by looking for scar/birthmarks or anticipating what Alex would say before/as he was saying it.

Overall, though, I do like it that the dream and the real thing were identical. There's balance and it's like he comes full circle.

Hey Olga.  Interesting concept.  Flawed execution, though.  Not really sure what the meaning is supposed to be.

For me, the writing isn't very visual, and that's a shame because you've intro'd a very potentially beautiful and mysterious scenario and settings.  I'd push the visuals out and engage your readers more.

Watch your Slugs, as in reality, they're all incorrect as written.  Commas don't belong in Slugs.

Some of your sentence structure is off.  Some lines read awkwardly, others just strange.

Like another reader said, I don't think the dialogue is very good, or realistic.  In a a dream-like scenario, you have a chance to write whacky dialogue that doesn't have to be realistic, necessarily, but it needs to stand out, and this does not.

Good idea that could use some work to be actually good.

Take care.

Olga,

Overall this has potential, but I agree with the others that it could be executed better.

Your logline kinda made it obvious who the old man was from the start. I would have liked more of a buildup to finding out who he was. There's some potential suspense here... guy gets concussion, finds a secluded cabin, the man there is weird, but Alex is virtually stranded...

"Where is the old man?"
"It's just us. Tony, my husband, our kids and myself."
Not realistic, IMO. I'd expect the woman to be confused right off the bat, instead of instantly answering.

The dialogue seems pretty forced in places. I get that it's a dream, but if you're going for a surreal mood, the lines could be more ominous.

So like I said, I think this has the potential to be good, but the execution isn't quite there. The structure is kind of odd, for one thing... it's like the story starts over halfway through, with him waking up again.

I think having the woman show up took away from the story. I was kinda disappointed when he "woke up" again, and met some lady, which was kinda pointless. And it's not really a twist (that the old man doesn't live there after all) because it's so obvious we were in Alex's head the whole time. So of course the old man doesn't live there. Anyway, I think that last part could be cut/reworked. Maybe Alex just calls Emily after talking to the old man.

Good job on this, though. It's got potential.

Hi Olga. I remember this being posted on MoviePoet in the "Where am I?" contest.

It was a cool concept. But I think the ending where he called Emily was a letdown. May I suggest something. Maybe when he leaves the old man, then later at the end, where he sees the couple, it would be better if he returns back to the house to find out that Emily is with somebody else and she moved or something. And then have him to marry him or find a way to break up with the new man. I think that would have a nice touch.

But other than that, I think the story is cool.

Hey Olga,

Had a quick read and it's quite an obscure piece and leaves a little for the reader to unravel, IMO. I'm guessing he's about or has ended his relationship with Emily, but his subconsciousness saves him from death to have as the title says "Another Chance" with her. Hence, why he called her immediately after waking up.

The dialogue was a tad sketchy and there were some issues with the character movements for me which had me scratching my head about what was taking place. I got the gist of it but it could have been more visual to help me along.

It's not a bad little idea but could probably do with some back story to help give it some meaning in the current situation. Why does/did he end his relationship?

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve