An Empty Chamber by James Williams (jwent668 - Short - A prep school girl propositions a strung out bum with the opportunity of a lifetime.  8 pages - pdf, format


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Script removed by request.

Thanks Don!

This is just that 48hr challenge script I wrote. Felt I should post it to the site. Might make a good student film.

Definitely amateur hour too. Two blank title pages to start. Sorry. Story is still there. Gonna resubmit a fixer.

James

It starts on page 3.

James, I remember seeing this one here. For sure. I remember liking it.
SPOILERS
She meets a bum, directs him to the clinic and turns out to be his daughter. In that version first we saw a map, I think. Is that right?

I remember liking the other one better, although I like this one as well.

I thought this sounded familiar.  I think it's better now, but I can't be sure.

What's with the 2 blank pages after the title page?  Inexcusable!

Story-wise, I like it.  Dialogue-wise, I don't like it.  None of it reads realistically to me.

Not bad, though, brother...not bad at all.

Hey James,

Building up anticipation with those blank pages?

It's been a while since I read the earlier version.
But, I liked that one better.
This one reads rushed and the dialogue rang false to me.

Was it always this short?
Feel like something's changed.
Still really like the story, but something's off with the execution here.

How does this compare to the earlier draft?

Regards,
E.D.

James, my memory sucks but I seem to recall this script, have I read it at some point?

SPOILERS!!

Anyway, I liked it.  It was a cool little story but I wonder if the Bum wouldn't slowly think the girl was his daughter?  I'm assuming she is by the way.

I've no real complaints, it read fine to me...except for the 2 blank pages of course lol.

Nice script.

I think the idea would work as a short, but this one needs a little fleshing out in my opinion.  The action blocks at the beginning were a little too wordy for me, and I had a difficult time believing she could convince this guy to (spoiler alert) try and off himself after they've been talking for less than 3 or 4 minutes.  I think with some re-worded dialogue (and probably more of it), something that helps establish a little more backstory, then you can help sell the ending.

Thanks for the reads,

I really didn't change this much from the Showdown. Sorry, Brett, I guess it's not as good on a second read. lol.

I did resubmit this without the empty pages which is unexcusable. I didn't proof the pdf and they didn't show up in the Final Draft file. My bad...

James

***SPOILERS***

James,

I liked this overall, even if it seemed rushed. I think everything here happened too fast. Almost immediately she hands him cash and pulls out a gun... Could've used a few more pages, IMO.

Will

I remember seeing this one as well... Was this when a SS member challenged you to a screenwriting challenge where Michael gave you an object and you had to mention the object somewhere in the script. Pretty sure I voted for this one.

Anyway James, I've noticed you've been keeping yourself busy with 'So Pretty'. There was a nice wee photo posted on the facebook page of a script with your name on it. I hope it's a sequel. Loved the first one.

I'd be lying to you if I said that I remember the earlier draft. I remember the basic premise and I don't think much has changed with the dialogue?

Still think this is a nice little script. Could be done on an incredibly low budget and it's got the mystery to match.

Good work.

Dan

Quoted from crookedowl ***SPOILERS***I think everything here happened too fast. Almost immediately she hands him cash and pulls out a gun... Could've used a few more pages, IMO. Will

Thanks for the read, Will. This does happen fast, but the thing I've learned about writing shorts is you have to pull the trigger in the first two pages... Well, at least when it's only a 5 pager. You have anything of late on the boards?

Quoted from danbotha Anyway James, I've noticed you've been keeping yourself busy with 'So Pretty'. There was a nice wee photo posted on the facebook page of a script with your name on it. I hope it's a sequel. Loved the first one.

Thanks for the read, Dan. I didn't rewrite this much at all. So pretty 2, "So Dark" has a green light. I guess they're shooting in a month or so. If anyone wants the script, just PM me your email. Not gonna advertise and already had help from a few members here.

James

I don't care what anybody says.  This is a great story, IMO.  Hard to believe it was actually hatched from the mind of Mr. Williams.  Probably plagiarised it.  Ha.  Nah, it just strikes a chord with me because I'm an off-and-on twelve stepper.   And congrats on your green light with So Dark.   Again, hard to believe.  

Only change I'd make to this script would be to switch it from huffing to a used hypodermic syringe on the ground and needle marks on his arms.

Michael,

I hope there's no hard feelings here. I'm familiar with your writing and like much of it, despite what you think. I wrote this thinking you would write something similar. I wanted to beat you at your own game. A good-feeling story of someone turning a corner in their life.

I don't appreciate the plagiarism comment.

James

Definitely no hard feelings.  I'm actually quite happy for you with the success you've achieved with your shorts.  Long ago I would've voted you least likely to succeed.  But look at you now.  Got one in the can and another coming down the pike.  Regarding the plagiariasm comment you know good and well I'm just messin' with you, so...  

This script and Teaching With Violence are in my favorirte top ten SS scripts of all time.  Who would've thunk it?

I'd really like to see this script get made.

Hey James.

I remember liking this one a lot, too.  I wouldn't have changed much of it, either.  I guess maybe I'm a little curious as to how she found out he was her dad.  Maybe fit in somehow that he's the town's sole drunk bum and her mom finally came clean with who he was.

But it's a small gripe.  The story works just as good as it is.

- Mark