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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  The Garden - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
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Don
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Garden by J - Short - Adam is tempted into the woods by a sassy girl called Eve and must battle a Serpent's plot to claim the power of God. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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nawazm11
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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I like the title.

Page 1: "SQUEALS at the searing burn the handle gives him." The writing seems to alternate between good and confusing, I get the feeling this was written in a rush.

Page 2: "She turns back to smile at him." Try and avoid passages like these. Really, she's not smiling at all. Her intent isn't the thing being filmed, it's her actions.

Page 4: "Adam licks his lips, but his eyes betray nervous fear." Licking his lips totally does not work for me.

Page 5: "and creepers that hang heavily on everything." What is a creeper? Never heard it being used in this context before.

Page 6: I feel so stupid only having noticed their names are Adam and Eve... Nice subtle writing there.

Page 9: Aren't swords meant to be incredibly heavy? I find it hard to believe that this kid is able to just fight his way through Serpent.

Finished.

A strange little piece, ending left me confused. I don't think it was ever suggested that Serpent's death would free these two - from whatever they were meant to be fighting against.

There's a lot going on here and most of it is hard to comprehend, the lion, the warrior, Serpent's intent, the apple's power, Eve's transformation, it just fell on its head as I read through the script. I feel the story needs to be simplified/or made clearer. I get what you're trying to do with the dialogue but it just doesn't work if the reader doesn't understand what it means regardless of how 'cool' it sounds.

A good effort, but not there yet. You definitely have a vision though.

Grade: C+
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stevie
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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This was sort of meandering along until the confrontation between Adam and the Serpent. That lifted it immensely and I really liked those scenes.

The only one I've read so far with any violence - the nudity fits the bill for the rating - but it didn't really need any.

Nice writing too. Cool effort


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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I was confused after reading, and I'm curious if she grabbed Adam's sword or Adam's sword.    Is this the end of a male dominate society?  It felt like a pulp read to me, good one, makes you think.

Johnny
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Heretic
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Uh oh...our second Edenic adventure!

As I go:

Gaps are made of air, not stone. Hahah. I'm just being a dick.

Serpent and the sword are very well set up and paid off. Nicely done.

"Eternal life curses those left behind." I don't know what this means. Does it mean that those left behind will be cursed with eternal life? Or does it mean that something/s with eternal life curse those left behind? Anyway, this line bumped me.

Just to be clear, is that a naked 14 year-old girl...?

I see that one of the great mythic sources of misogyny, the Yahwist creation account, goes cheerfully unaltered here. In case anyone's interested, Eve and Adam were made at the same time, and Eve did NOT come from Adam's rib, as you'll see in Genesis 1:1-2:3...unless you read the rest of Gen 2 for the account of the Yahwists, or as I like to call them, the "legion of douchebags", and you shouldn't, because of all the many Christian gods, theirs is the douchiest. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that since there are two Christian creation myths to choose from, I feel that one may as well go with the egalitarian one.

Nice. Of all the ones I've read so far, this is the one with a really clear developed arc with a payoff. I don't think it's perfect, but it's nice that it's there.

Hahah just went full force with the gender stereotyping, huh. Well, it fits with the Biblical story, anyway.

Thoughts:

A reasonably tight little package marred irrevocably -- for me, I realize this won't be a problem for all -- by an adherence to harmful "traditional" gender roles that, like many "traditional" elements of Judeo-Christian culture, are at best inaccurate, and at worst full-blown misogyny.

I mentioned the setup and payoff -- Adam gets pushed around for everyone, then he stands up for himself. I also said that it wasn't perfect. The one thing I didn't get here was what exactly motivated that change in him at that moment.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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I'm guessing the writer of this one is from the UK using the word knickers, I like that word though, I wish we used it here in north america. Anyways, this was pretty decent, the idea behind it was interesting, had a strong opening and it has a strong villain. Some of the dialog with the kids felt a little forced and awkward, but nothing too off putting. I think for the challenge it worked, the begining and ending worked the best for me. The last line "Now itíll see the triumph of women" was cute. Good job on completing the challange, it's pretty tough pulling one of these out in such a short period of time.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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The garden

Two adam and eve scripts - would you Adam and Eve it?

Not sure an ancient forest is the Pacific Northwest in July 2013

Not sure why adam would think they can't eat the apples, besides he sure have more on  his mind.

I know it's me bu the Adam and Eve story just doesn't float my boat anyway it's told or twisted, that's no fault of yours.

Script wise I liked the orphanage the older eve, the escape into the woods, but I just wonder whether the story could have been told in the here and now, but again that's me. Serpents don't do much for moi.

Eve giving into the temptation of the sword at the end was nice.

All the best.


My scripts †HERE

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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Adam and Eve again?  Oh boy...I'm worried.  How did 2 peeps both pick an Adam and Eve plot based on the OWC parameters?  I honestly am clueless.

Page 1 writing is very non visual and confusing.

Page 2 - a boy of 12 just becoming a man?  Really?  He's not even a teenager yet!

Page 3 - "She pushes him over on his ass." - LOL...

14 year old Eve strips naked and tells a 12 year old boy that if can catch her, he can touch her.  Oh boy.

Sorry, but I'm stopping on Page 5.  I don't see much of anything from the challenge present here.  Not working for me, sorry to say.

Thanks for entering.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  July 14th, 2013, 10:10pm
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Forgive
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Interesting piece ... I'm getting lots of subtext here, but I'm not totally buying into Heretic's interpretation - day 6, I made 'em, details to follow.

Lack of visuals, yes, here and there I felt that would have been worked a little better, but I did get the picture, just had to work for it in places.

I liked the opening - good set-up, that saw itself through.

Interpretation-wise, as a retelling of the original -- well, it was mixed as far as I'm concerned. I do think there is an underlying tone that blames women in there, and whilst I think it's politically incorrect, I'm not totally against it. What does bother me a little is the intent of Eve ... it's like she has a clear anti-male intent per much feminist literature, and this is clearly a re-interpretation. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on temptation vs intent.

So I found this interesting -- as a script, I think it had some weaknesses, as has been pointed out, but also some good points too -- but as a collection of ideas, it was more interesting.

Good stuff, good entry.
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GM
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

This is indeed interesting. I would like to see this revised and the author give his interpretation of what he wanted to convey through this story.

As of right now though, I'm confused on what happened. I understand the meaning, women dominance depicted and said at the ending. But what the hell happened from the beginning to the end. lol.

I mean. We open with a medieval setting where a warrior named Serpent gets a sword. And than, I guess, we move to the present. Adam is  a 12 year old perverted boy who wants to bang Eve 14 who also has the hots for Adam since she gets butt naked and allows Adam to chase her. Adam somehow gets a sword that the Serpent wants. One thing is not getting filmed and the script begs questions.

Hope this helps,

Gabe
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pale yellow
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Be it a little confusing, the dialogue between Adam and Eve was super in my opinion. I think it was better than the Serpent's dialogue for some reason his needs work. A very good entry. Good work.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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So the Garden of Eden is in Oregon huh?

This felt to me like a story you had already written or was already in your head and you tailored it to tenuously link to the challenge, hence a 12 year old having sex and it starting in Oregon. Maybe I'm wrong but it felt forced into the boundaries of the challenge rather than naturally being there.

Regardless, it was well written, full of symbolism and spirituality. I do think it was maybe trying to be too clever, or rely on the reader to be able to fill in the substantial gaps in the story themselves.

There was so many questions and little in the way of answers. How did they leave Eden, why and how did they get back? Why didnít Adam remember but Eve seem to? Eve bit into the apple the first time and created sin, why is it this time it contained all the knowledge of god? Or did something different happen the first time? We never see the first time they were in the garden or what happened so we donít know, I have to make assumptions based on the bible or other sources.

I got that Serpent couldnít touch the sword but why? I got that Serpent was going to kill Adam and absorb all the knowledge when he killed Eve but what is ĎThe Knowledgeí and what would it do? Was the lion god? If so, why has he been away from Eons and why has he left something so precious guarded in such a lame and precarious manner? How had man fallen, in what way and what exactly would be the triumph of woman be? Was it some symbolic way of returning to a matriarchal society; the end of Christianity and the return of Paganism, something like that? Iíve no idea, it could simply be a Basic Instinct type story for teenagers really, it leaves it so open to interetation.

And thatís the problem here. As I was reading I was left with more and more I had to just come up with in my own head. I had to make a massive leap based on some things Iíve read or simply interpret it as a psychotic teenage romance influenced by drugs or everything in-between and beyond. Maybe that was the intent but I feel the more questions without answers or the more confusion a story creates the less I enjoy it.

It was deep though and did make me think, it just gave me a headache.


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DanBall
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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It's okay with me.

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This was a fun retelling of Adam and Eve. It was better than Finding Eden, I thought. This sort of reminds me of Ridley Scott's Legend. You could totally film this with older actors. Too bad you couldn't get a kickass Jerry Goldsmith score to go with it. I digress.

I actually wouldn't mind seeing this one expounded a little, once the contest is over. Maybe stretch it to 30 pages at most and fix the problems others have pointed out in regards to your philosophy and such. But keep the sword & sickle fight.

I, too, was left wondering which sword she grabbed at the end. Although, wouldn't a 12-year-old have a rapier, rather than a sword?  


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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DV44
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Not too bad but it fails to deliver with the parameters that were set. The story takes place in the past, not July 2013, the story lacks any of the surroundings the Pacific Northwest has to offer even though it's set in Oregon. R rating comes into play with Eve throwing a couple of f-bombs but there's no way you could show her naked or Adam as well since they're both 14 and under in age.

Saying all that, I did enjoy the story. A bit confusing at the bookends but regardless it was nice.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk
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EWall433
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting opening scene, but it doesnít exactly feel like 2013 here.

As soon as read ďher dress hanging from a branchĒ, I crossed my fingers that he wouldnít catch her. I can only assume this is meant to be shot around, since having a naked 14 year old in your movie isnít an R-rating, itís a prison sentence.

I canít tell whether Serpent wants the sword or is scared of it. He asks Adam to bring it to him, then hisses and shuffles away when offered it.

ďAdamís captivated by her body. He lifts the sword over his head ready to strike.Ē Sex or murder? Sex or murder? Lifeís full of tough decisions.

He chose correctly, but Iím not sure I fully grasp the implication of Eveís final action.

This was written well enough. Following the action wasnít a problem. I just donít think I could pick up whatever story you were putting down. Between this and Finding Eden, maybe Iím just theology impaired.

Congrats on getting something in for the challenge.
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