Wrong Exit by Nikki Lee - Short, Thriller - When their car runs out of gas and they're forced to exit into a pro-white town, two African-American siblings' only hope of survival is in the hands of a lanky white country boy with a hidden skill. 19 pages - pdf, format

Was it bad that I was rooting for the pro-white town?  

The story's  not bad. Lots of typos, omissions of words etc. and you could definitely edit this down so it's nowhere near the page length. Having said that it's a fast read, (I'll admit to skimming a bit), dialogue for the most part reads smoothly. Needs quite a few tweaks, that's all.


SPOILERS:


Nice twist towards the end, but then it made me think - would a tranquiliser gun put them down quite as fast as that?

Hope you come on board, Nikki.

Oh Nikki...damn, girl.  Really, really poorly done, sorry to say.  Shocking, actually.

Check this out...

Your opening Slug is "INT. JARED'S HOME", right?  What follows is just downright unbeleivable.  Let's look at it line by line...

"On a beautiful day for traveling in the South..." - We're in an INT scene, so we won't see what a beautiful day it is, nor will we know we're in the South.  The stuff about "travelling" is completely unneccessary, unfilmable, and just goofy.

"...TRENT and TAMIA EPSON (African-American, early 30s) sit together in a everyday blue economy car." - WTF?  I thought we were inside Jared's home?  And even if the Slug is a mistake, how will we see that we're in "a everyday blue econonomy car" (because it's an INT scene)?

"They argue like the typical brother and sister they are." - This should not be written - if they're arguing, you need to show us through dialogue.

And, sister, I'll tell you, the dialogue that follows is God awful, so on the nose, and so completely unrealistic, it's actually scary.

I apologize for the harsh tone, but this is such a por effort, it seems like you're not even trying.  Whwn you post something, you have to put your best foot forward and edit your work, reread your work, over and over for errors and mistakes.  If you don't seem to care, no one else will either.

Read other scripts.  Comment and get to know some peeps here.  We all start somewhere.  Best of luck and again, sorry for sounding so mean.