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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Noir Originale Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 8th, 2013, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Noir Originale by Justin Murphy - Drama, Romance, Period Drama - An American soldier stationed at Pearl Harbor falls in love with a Nazi spy at the dawn of World War II. 72 pages - pdf, format


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Nomad
Posted: December 9th, 2013, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Justin,

I made it to the beginning of page 2 and stopped because of the following problems.

As I go:


  • Pg. 1  Gary sees 3 objects in the trunk but you only show us what one of them is and tell us that the other two aren't important.  Why?  Just show us all 3 items.
  • Pg. 1  Gary pulls out an object from the letter?  How does one extract an object from a piece of paper?  Now if the object were in the envelope, that would make more sense.  Why do you say Gary pulls out an object "revealed to be an old locket"?  Why not just say that Gary pulls out an old locket?
  • Pg. 1  Why can't Gary decipher the locket or letter?  Is the writing too faded?  Is it in German?  Is Gary illiterate?  Is he blind?  Is he dyslexic?  Does he have a mechanical eye implanted by a government agency that prevents him from reading things written during WWII?
  • Pg. 2  "...many a girlfriend used to give this very locket to their girlfriends during the war..." Huh?  Girl on girl action here?
  • Pg. 2  Gary just hangs out at the USS Arizona Memorial and happens to meet the woman who wrote the letter?  That's a great coincidence.  Too bad he didn't have to struggle to find this mystery woman.  That would have made a great story.
  • Pg. 2  "Gary shows her the old letter with the locket wrapped inside of it."  Gary wrapped the letter around the locket?  Why would he do that?  Wouldn't the letter rip if he wrapped it around the locket?
  • Pg. 2  "Unfolds the letter from the locket..."  Now the letter is in the locket?  I'm confused.


I see what you're trying to do here, and this might actually be a nice story, but it's a little too much like the beginning of Titanic.  Unfortunately your writing is too novelistic and incongruous.

Jordan


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