Fade Away by Marcello Degliuomini (Reel-truth) - Short, Drama - A man discovers his world fading from existence. 14 pages - pdf, format

I guess that's why they say it's "better to burn out, than fade away"

This had a good creep factor, I liked it.

I'll leave it to the seasoned writers to pick at it, as I'm not seeing too many things wrong with this.

Keep at it!

Hey Marcello - this was pretty good, I liked the was the story worked it was out and the twist on the immediate reference to the garbage truck was nice. Gave me a couple of reminders to Vanilla Sky (no bad thing).

Minor issues for me: I felt some of the dialogue hung around too long: The conversation in the bed, in the kitchen, in the office, even with the teacher, could have been shortened some.

p.6 - There doesn't seem to be a clear break here, and then it's almost noon? He's only just got in the office; could easily be remedied by a LATER slung in there.

p.7
BEVERLY
Whose Max?
--who's Max - who's being the contraction of who is; whose is the possessive form.

MATHEW
Max, are dog max.
--our dog

p.8
BEVERLY
Your not feeling well. Come home.
--You're not feeling well. You do this a lot. As above, you're is the contraction of you are, and your is the possessive form.
p.9 He says your his teacher.
p.13 Your the third person today to tell me that. etc

Aside from those minors though, I thought this worked really well, built to a good conclusion, there was clear story intent, and some really nicely worked elements (the windscreen etc) Good stuff.

Appreciate the feedback guys, glad you liked this one

Sic - My dialogue usually runs a bit long. It's probably why I'm averaging 18 pages on each of my shorts. I could trim that down, its just i didn't want the scenes to be too cut and dry.

I should have also put in LATER instead of just noon. You're right on that.

And when I re-read it, I caught some of those typos you referred to. Funny thing is, I know which is the correct spelling of the word to use. But for some reason my fingers go one way...and my brain goes another..lol

I'm happy the story was at least entertaining and not too distracting from some of those issues you brought up. I was hoping the end was a good pay off. It seemed  like it worked pretty well.

Thanks for the response guys

Marcello

Hi - I enjoyed this.  I'm new to the board and thought I'd give you a shout out.  I thought the dialogue especially was good. (and funny)  "Don't you dare.", etc.

When he went outside to check out the garbage truck while his wife was sleeping and then came in and everyone was awake at the breakfast table, I couldn't figure out why he wasn't surprised that everyone was now completely awake and dressed.  

Anyway, keep up the good work.

I didn't think the transition from the early morning scene to the morning scene was a crazy jump. I used the slugs...EARLY MORNING , then MORNING. I thought that was kind of self explanatory. Sorry if there was any confusion.

I'm actually surprised no one picked up on the fact that I switched last names. At one point I used GRIMES instead of  BECKER. I started off using GRIMES, didn't like how it sounded, so I switched it with BECKER.  But after posting, I noticed I left two sentences with GRIMES still in them...oh well.

Hey Marcel, I see you around giving comments here and there, so I'll reciprocate.  Your first page is a cliché character introduction -- bedroom scene -- but it actually works, I suppose, since it's the first hint at things being not what they seem.  Instead of telling us that Mathew is now fully one hundred percent awake, you could probably just say "He marches over to the window, fists clenched" or something along those lines.  Your dialogue definitely wears out it's welcome.  I think in this particular case you would rather stick with images/actions over spoken words... as I also thought some of the dialogue exchanges were a little OTN to begin with anyway...

I also think this runs a little too long.  You can cut this down by several pages and still get your point across.  I don't know what others think, but I think it's a great idea -- it just needs to be worked on.  I kept asking myself how I would react if this situation was happening to me and it's great when as a writer you have your reader asking themselves questions like that... the ending is definitely a tear-jerker.  For some reason I was really pulled into this... no doubt if you worked it some more you'll have a helluva story here.  I'll be more than happy to tag along with you on this one.  Any new drafts, send 'em my way and I'll do my best to offer some help.


--Steve

Quoted from Reel-truth I didn't think the transition from the early morning scene to the morning scene was a crazy jump. I used the slugs...EARLY MORNING , then MORNING. I thought that was kind of self explanatory. Sorry if there was any confusion. I'm actually surprised no one picked up on the fact that I switched last names. At one point I used GRIMES instead of  BECKER. I started off using GRIMES, didn't like how it sounded, so I switched it with BECKER.  But after posting, I noticed I left two sentences with GRIMES still in them...oh well.

Search and replace... Grimes for Becker... it will change all of the Grimes in the script instantly to Becker, no need to go through one by one. The only thing you will need to do, which usually catches me out too, is remember to put the intro character back in uppercase.

oops. I've got to read the script now. The reason I haven't so far is because it sounds similar to a script I wrote last year. I'll check it out a little later.

Levy

I don’t think I said FULLY one hundred percent awake, But I know what your saying about showing rather than telling. I guess I got caught up on the fractions and being clever when I said “ Beverley barely wakes, If Mathews half asleep than Beverley is about one forth awake. Still I get it, showing is better than telling.

Just curious on which parts you thought were on the nose? The intro scene was suppose to be cliche. I’m glad you picked up on that. I’ll admit this story in particular would probably be served better with less dialogue and more action/description. I guess every time I hit a writers wall I just use dialogue to see my way through.

I tried to use the ending to tie in a few clues though out the story. And at the same time attempt to tug on the emotional chord. Glad to hear it got to you. Your right about it's the stories that have you asking questions. Like what would i do in that situation. Those are the ones that usually pull me in too.

I haven’t  really thought of making a new draft on this one. I know that’s exactly what it needs, A good polishing. But my head is already wrapped around a new story.  But if I do go back on this one and reshape it up, I’ll def send it over to you, see what you think.

Dustin

That would make things much easier .Of course I got to do things the hard way.

I just double checked... you didn't say fully one hundred percent awake, you just said one hundred percent awake... which is almost the same thing, really  

And yeah, introducing your character waking up in the bedroom is pretty cliche.  Anywhere you look, on screenwriting forums, or even in screenwriting books, everyone always says that -- yet what surprises me is this:  I still see it being done in films... which is weird... but here instead of getting on your ass about it, I can see why you did it.  There's something else going on during this scene.  It's not just your typical bedroom/intro that you always see.  I actually remember the very first time someone said something to me about introducing my protagonist laying in bed (and this was years ago).  They said (paraphrasing) always find a way to turn your typical cliche scene on it's ear, to make it different... That has always stuck with me and I try my best to follow through on that -- I have since changed that bedroom/intro into something I think is not only a cool character intro but a cool intro to the script as well.


--Steve

Quoted from DustinBowcot Code Breaking this warm moment -BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Sounds of garbage truck backing up.. Here you might want to consider simply switching to an EXT and showing us the garbage truck back up. ... 'Breaking this warm moment' is an unnecessary line. Likewise so are the sound effects

****SPOILERS****
While writing matters, this is a first draft, and the writing can be improved. It's worth looking at a piece like this and saying if the story is strong or not. The 'breaking...' line I think is fine, as it does explain how the noise should be heard and interpreted -- the noise is not a garbage truck, so can't be shown, and that's clear later on. For the purposes of the twist, this is pitched well IMO, even though there are some issues writing-wise.

Dustin

Most of what you said was good sound advice. I tell rather than show at times. Some of the writing needs some technical tweaking, I agree with all that.

As for your suggestion on cutting to the garbage truck,  like Sicol pointed out it works better for the twist to not show the truck.  Especially because Mathew runs outside and doesn’t see a truck. It all helps in stirring up the first hint that things may be bit off,

It’s a shame you couldn’t manage to read past the first few pages.  I think the story would have paid itself off by the end. As I appreciate the technical criticism, which can be extremely helpful. I also appreciate the critics on story and structure. Dialogue exchanges.  But all criticism is welcome. It only helps in tightening up my next short or feature. Avoiding those common technical pitfalls I found myself slipping in.

Thanks again for the feedback

~~Marcello

Enjoyed this script, Marcello. Well done! Good twist.

OK mate. I took another look. Aside from the obvious issues with grammar and sentence structure your dialogue goes on for too long. Although your dialogue is good for the most part, meaning the characters are individual. So you do a good job there. The story is pretty basic (aren't they all), one I've seen done lots of times before...

What I didn't understand is why his friend didn't know he was married?

I think if you tightened this up you could knock as much as 8 pages off it. It's a good concept and could do well if you choose to put the work in.

To answer your question Dustin.


SPOILERS!!!!

The idea was the entire story takes place in the mind of a dying man. His brain is beginning to shut down. Hence his world around him is slowly slipping away. The paradox in this is that the protagonist remembers, But the world around him does not. I was on the fence with this concept. because if his brain is shutting down and his own memories are the ones that are fading away. Wouldn't he along with every one else in his head not be able to remember as well? But that's a bit tricky to pull off. Because if nobody remembers, than what are we talking about? I had to have him remember, but his world not to. So I can inform the reader what's missing, what isn't the same.

Now, to your question...Why doesn't his friend remember? His friend being a projection in his mind represents parts of his brain that are shutting down. Conflicting with other parts of his brain. His own subconscious. So as he can remember his life, his mind is taking out chunks of memory. And only his projections of people are oblivious to. Like how Todd didn't recall any family pictures hung up at the office, but Mathew remembered. To tell you the truth, I don't know where the logic is in this. I started going down this weird road, and I just kept driving..lol I hope I didn't just make this 10 times more confusing. But this is the best way i can explain the logic, if any in this story,

Hope it helps

~~Marcello