The Ordeal by Cheater Stenchly - Short, Shark - In a post-apocalyptic world, a sacrifice is called for so that others may live. Who will pay the price? - pdf, format

Masterfully written, depressing as hell.

Typo on page 8, buy should be by,  This has gotta be an R1 script.

I like a fade in. But I'm old fashioned that way.

Certainly set the tone by the end of page one. Which is quite something.

Nothing to do with it story wise, but the feel and atmosphere of this reminded me of The Walking Dead, when they were on a high. And weren't being silly.

I'm not sure about the Earth Goddess business. Maybe this is realistic for the situation. Maybe that's what people might do. I'm somewhat of a tree hugger myself. But it kinda knocked the realism out of it for me.

Apart from that it was well written and structured. Overall - pretty good.

R

A well told story... aside from that I'm not sure what to make of it. probably my favourite so far though. Hits all the parameters.

cheater stenchly - where do folk get these names. i really must try harder for next time, give myself something grand!!

SPOILERS

volcanic sky - thats a first for me
not sure you need to repeat the burned sky
i think severed leg is fine for detail
metal clamp - I'm sure this is possible but it did slightly conflict with my idea of the time period

oh now you jump era's
fortress house - whats that

cooks a couple of cans of beans - cooks beans should be fine

nice concept. a shark infested bay. the use of it as a sacrifice, but just women. an old ritual site, re invented we assume for a post apocalyptic future.

story wise, i did find this a little hard going, but i appreciate that once down in the bay the action accelerated.

the actions of the boy were consistent but the father and preacher seemed to vary.

whilst the image of the two of them supporting each other at the end has a certain degree of conclusion, the preacher etc again seemed a little strange. after all he is clearly insane, leads a cult of killers/murders etc and yet he's proud  at the end. i couldn't quite get my head around that.

i think the sacrifice spot is sound. i almost think i would bring it to the present day, a weird distant church and the lure of the unsuspecting

all the best

Pgs. 4, 5 & 6 dragged a bit. Preacher has the food, they don't want to join, he won't give it to them...I felt like this was being repeated too much.

There was some good tension in the last few pages. The action was written well.

The story itself...I don't know. I wasn't crazy about it. IMO everything about it felt too forced. Especially the end with Matthew and Angel hobbling off together.

The writing itself was good, but tense. Like the writer was trying too hard which is what I mean about it being "forced".  Because of this, the characters and dialog were very stiff.

Interesting idea though. Congrats on completing something for this OWC.

The exchange between the preacher, Matthew, and Jones was confusing, a hot-potato of characterization. But maybe that was the point? I'd imagine in this setting under the circumstances, these characters don't know what the really want to say. A suggestion in this exchange would be to give the preacher the upper-hand, and maybe make it clear he is persuading the group with deception. I never knew the stakes of the baptism until they arrived at the site.

I bought into the premise, but I don't fully understand the sacrificial altar for atonement. Overall, I thought the conflict between Jones and Matthew should have been stronger and less back-and-forth, and the ending less obtuse. Maybe a good theme tie-in would to reveal Angel's name in the end?

The writing was solid, but repetitive in areas toward sentence structure. It could be a style decision to enhance the tone. Didn't really take away from the read.

Mixed about it. No denying the script has potential to be even better.

Johnny

...between the tibula and fibula? Around the tibia and fibula?

Apocalyptic images: homes with broken windows and overgrown lawns. Or just Luton Town...?

Quite simple dynamics, which works well for it.

I didn't like the Preacher's "That settles it line..." as it wrapped things up too nicely.

Okay, so starting off, I thought this was going to be quite weak, and the first couple of pages I wasn't too sure of - maybe just a few too many minors popping up. Once the dynamics between Jones and the Preacher kicked in, and it was about very basic things - survival, negotiation, and a touch of post-apocalytic message, that we'd soon return to sacrifice should our world be as insecure as it was in the days when people did sacrifice, then I think it started to work.

I liked the tension when Angel was in the water - how the pace picked up, and how Jones eventually sacrifices himself having sacrifed her - an element of redemption in there, but also working on the key theme in the script.

The ending was a bit "wrap 'em up and send 'em home", but once it got going, I think this worked well.

This was darker than I was expecting.  It was written really well.  Dialogue was good.  Story... somewhat confusing but I think I understand what went on.  Kinda like a Pagan ritual type deal (sacrifice to us something and in return we will bestow upon you this) when I think about it.

The script has a lot of potential.  Definitely feels like part of a larger story.  The father-son dynamic was well-played throughout and I like Jones and Matt's interactions.  Not sure if the Preacher was just mad or truly believed his own bs, but sometimes it's best not to fully understand characters or their motivations.

All in all, good tale.  On a scale of 1-10:

Short: 9/10 (good pacing, characterization and storytelling)
Shark: 8.5/10 (had just enough SHARK and it WAS the main focus of the plot)

Interesting take on the post apocalyptic world and what it has become. A human sacrifice for a better Earth. Future. Very cool and inventive on your part. Writing was top notch, dialogue was intriguing and the world you created was awesome. Definitely an early fav of mine.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

This is a smart, clever script. It holds close the ideology that pushes the human condition out of bounds with reality, especially when faced with the future of the unknown. I could picture, vividly, the landscape because it put me in mind of the movie 'Silent Hill'. Including the dementia involved with attempting to satiate the forces of the demons and, those who have the charisma to hold hostage an entire group of scapegoats to placate their sickness... which creep's the hell out of me.

I was reminded as well, of the Reverend Mother from 'Dune' and, her uncanny ability to inflict pain and suffering upon those she loved, all for a better cause of her awakening or understanding. Tightly woven with mythological beings, and an altar of sacrifice pushed this in a direction I wanted to go crazy with dissection, but with about twenty something scripts to read, I'll leave it at this.

Anyways, the plot played out very well, kept me enthralled and, delivered quite the message of religious fervor. Great work!

P.S. keep an eye on your ellipses count, LOL.

Well, not exactly what I was expecting, but sometimes that can be a good thing. Like other commenters--I didn't know if I'd like this but wound up getting into it. Very unique and well written overall. Not much else to add.

The Shark Apocalyspe. Gotta dig it.

This had all the makings of being really great.

It was still pretty good but the author lost control with page limits and deadline perhaps, which happens a fair bit lol.

Writing and formatting were neat.

Funny thing about it is one of my original ideas had a shark sacrifice involved too, lol

Give this a 7

First off, the world built here was exceptional. Ren brought up The Walking Dead and I’ll throw The Mist in there for good measure. I like that you didn’t try to explain the Apocalypse and instead we just examine what sprung up in this little corner of the world.

Pg. 7 I found it odd that Jones would offer himself up for this “baptism”. I know it’s a ruse, but Angel hasn’t spoken in a long time. His entire plan seems to revolve around a mute girl volunteering herself. And what if she hadn’t spoken up? Kinda leaves Jones on the hook, doesn’t it?

Pg. 10 I feel like I’m missing a beat in Jones’ change of heart. As it reads, he’s acting erratically.

Looks like the page count got you in the end. Right now the end makes it seem like Matt, Angel and the Preacher are all cool with each other, but of course that can’t be the case.

Lots of good elements, but I think the characters let you down here. Angel in particular gets short shrift. The way everyone talks about her when she’s standing right there put me off (and made me think she was deaf as well as mute). I was hoping she’d play a bigger role. Turn the tables or something, but she stayed a MacGuffin character. You could change her from a 17 yr-old girl to a Labrador retriever and most of the plot would remain intact.

But this is one of my favorites so far just based on the premise alone. With the right characters and story I could easily see watching a full feature based on it. Neat stuff.

Congrats on the OWC

Yeah, not a fan of the writing, it's trying hard to flow and be stylish but it just comes across as rushed. Not to say it's bad, but it's awkward and needs a little rework to actually have the desired effect you're searching for. Not harping on the style here by the way, my entry has a very very similar style, except without slugs.

It seems to get better though, and actually starts to have that rhythm going, but it's that poor first few lines which throw the reader out of the reader. A few things that notably stick out. Firstly, you say 'under' the sky, which instantly lends an image of us looking down from a bird's eye view -- but then you mention the sun covered in ash? As in, there's a apocalyptic fog over the sun? It's confusing and that's totally not what you want go about it.

The second thing that sticks out is the missing period. Personally, I would've thrown the ellipses after 'ash' so our eyes lead to the Preacher. And even then, I would've at least put 'stands' or 'sits' or 'saunters' or whatever before it so I can get a clear image of what we're actually seeing. Yeah, you tell us later he's looking but I had to go back and reread it which is never a good sign.

Anyway, onto the script...

Interesting first scene.

"Apocalyptic images:" Mmm, it doesn't work for me, feels like you're trying to shove the Apocalyptic angle down my throat, again, almost like you're trying too hard. Something like "Images flash past --" would work better I feel. The script for Shutter Island is a great example of how it's done right.

Page 4/5, solid story building and irony.

The next scene goes on for too long, too much revealed in one moment, doesn't come across nicely. Probably condensed because of the page length.

Too many exclamation marks in the dialogue, or should I say, used in the wrong moment. Doesn't come across the way you want it to. Melodramatic more than anything.

"He takes Angel buy the shoulders." By.

"He brushes a tear from his eye, but nods." He (seemingly) hated her before and now he's shedding a tear? Melodramatic once more.

Page 10: Wait, when did she tell them her name?

It's also possible for amputees to swim, but of course, it's also possible for him to not have learned once he lost his leg.

So, his father is viscously killed by a shark but he seems a lot happier that the random bitch that popped into their house is still alive? And he doesn't even seem to care that his father died? Uhhhh...

Literally have no clue what happened at the end with the hobbling butt buddies. Totally ruined the script's tone and overall feeling, just not the way you should gone. It was coming onto be one of the better entries but I'm not a fan of the way you ended it. Last two pages or so are the biggest offenders. There's potential, but that's all there is really.