The Lagoon by Tashtego - Short, Shark, Adventure, Horror - Two Union soldiers hunt for hidden gold at the end of the Civil War 11 pages - pdf, format

Interesting idea, soldiers seeking treasure. The story was a bit shaky in some areas, probably due to the time constraint. My biggest issue was the dialog. It started out kind of sounding proper for the time period then somewhere in the middle you completely lost it.

Pg. 1 -- What is this? "We__"  

Pg. 2 -- Again? "Gold? Now, what__"

Is it like, fill in the blank?

Pg. 3 -- "Could be Robert E. Lee's left nut hid down there"  LOL


This definitely needs some cleaning up but congrats on completing something for this OWC.

It’s a curious thing that treasure maps seem to surface at times of war. The Crusade made the Templars a wealthy bunch, Edmond Dantès found his way to riches in The Count of Monte Cristo, The NAZI's pillaged Europe to no end, finding treasures one could only dream of, and now… two yanks? I love this freakin’ story!

I’m sure there are errors within, as with all OWC’s, considering the time allotted and topic to mull over, but I’ll let the seasoned writers chew you up.

Your writing is very good, in my humble opinion. Ya, this is my fav so far, well done!

This is a good ol' adventure tale with a sly slice of humor to it.  A classic set up with the dying old coot giving up the location of the treasure.  Always seems to work that way, doesn't it?  

I think I would have liked the actual hauling of the chest from the lagoon to be more challenging and suspenseful for the two of them.  Maybe even having one of them attacked by the shark, and the other guy has to make a decision about whether to help his friend or save the gold.

Not really sure you needed the whole "guardian of the sacred waters" angle.  IMO, better off Bush(who else? lol) be just some inbred, lowdown killbilly looking to murder and or rape these two infiltrators.  I think his death would have worked better that way, instead of him forgiving the shark for chomping his nuts.  

Packed a lot of story into a limited number of pages, so good on ya for that.  Also had the line of the owc so far:  "We're gonna need a bigger horse."  

Not bad. IMHO though, the very first scene needs to get to the point faster. It's 3 pages long. All it needs to do is establish that this takes place right after the war and there's a treasure map. You don't need 3 pages to tell us that. The meat of the story is how they find the treasure. The part with the shark should be longer and more intense. I don't even think you really need Bush. He tells us about the "master" and curses the guys, but that never comes into play, so it doesn't really matter. I also thought the ending was a little too easy. They go home and live happily ever after? If that's the case, then they need to struggle a LOT more in order to deserve the treasure. It left me feeling like they just were lucky and that's not really satisfying in any story. At least not to me.

Well written though and I did like it overall. I just would have liked to see a quicker beginning where we get to the interesting part faster. Make the middle, the lagoon and treasure part, more exciting so we get a sense of them being deserving of the gold.

Good job for a week's worth.  

Pia made a good point. Getting three pages in when the whole map handoff should have been the opening minute.

Even though the payoff in the end, was soft, this was still a pretty fun read.

Nice job!!!

Shawn.....><

Not too bad. The second half read WAY faster than the first. Also, I want to mention this never really struck me as period as I read it. I had to force it in my mind, and I think that could be a possible reason for the slower first half.

I thought the dialogue about "who's the better swimmer" was a good idea, but I'd suggest O'Donahue stating first that Peters is the better swimmer, giving his cleverness more belief.

Some sentences were overwritten, like Bush's description, and some clarity stuff like "shotgun parts".

The story wasn't bad, in the spirit of The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, but the ending was convienant. I was left wanting to see the conquences to the cursed gold.

Good effort, not too shabby.

Johnny

I just read some of the other comments here, stating that these two guys didn't receive any bad karma, considering the gold 'be cursed'. The writer left this part open with the last line. These guys are headed home, north I presume, and so is the shark...

"The fin drives straight out to deep water before veering to the left and heading...north."

Kind of like an 'ORCA' retribution thing ... oh yeah!

Hey writer,

Not bad at all. Original premise, writing was good but your actions could use done tightening. Didnt seem to detract from the story, though. I really enjoyed you homages to the original Jaws here.  "We're gonna need a bigger horse" is a great use of that line, as well as Quinta famous utterings.

Overall, well done, original and funny in spots. Pretty good effort for the time. Congrats on entering.

Steve

This felt like something else. Treasure Island meets The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

I thought when I started reading this I wasn't going to like it but it got better as it went along. Sadly it wanes a little near the end.

Quite a lot going on. Wasn't bad. Did feel like ye olde adventure and there's something quite enjoyable about this and all that.

R

I like this.

You fit in a LOT of story in such a short space of time and do it quite well. You don't need to have the old guy taking so long to die and pass on the map; although I do agree it adds a nice bit of a backstory. If you trim that down you could add more tension to the actual retrival of the chest which is far too easy and quick.

I knew what was going to happen to the loon as soon as he stood next to the water and I doubt a great white shark could extist/attack in such conditions but it was still good.

I love the way you link this to Jaws and suggest the town is cursed. My favourite so far, but saying that I've only read 5 but well done, this meets all the requirements of the OWC both stated and implied.

Nice dialogue so far, writing could be more descriptive but that's just preference.

"Could be Robert E. Lee's left nut
hid down there" Ha, good stuff.

His death was a little comical, didn't seem like he was on the verge of dying when he was blabbing on about the treasure...

Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that the story is clearly going in a certain direction but it feels a little too structured. And because of that, everything has this bland tone to it. 'We have a treasure map, let's go and find treasure, no problem. Oh, there's a legend about an evil that lurks there? Ha, we're soldiers! Screw that!' Do you know what I mean?

Yes, finally, a script that milks the tension with the shark scene. Too many where I've seen "The shark suddenly jumps up and eats a character whole".

Not sure about the north at the end, probably a reference to a movie or script. I'm no good with that stuff.

But yeah, probably in my top 3 of the 20 I've read so far. Great job, writer. Solid work. Not much to say, glad you revealed the curse angle, ends the script on a nice note. I think you might have even had another scene planned if you could use another few characters. Would've been cool to see this flash forward of one of the aging soldiers with a gold piece in their hand and their blood pooling around it. Good stuff.

Agree with Ryan -- "we're going to need a bigger horse", perfect.

Good dialogue out of the gate and pretty well written, also.  The intro runs a little long, IMO, but I’m liking what you’re setting up.

Page 3 – Still enjoying this, but again, IMO, no way you need 3 full pages for it.  Some of your action/description lines need a little work, but no major issues so far.

Page 4 – IMO, the dialogue here between the 2 isn’t nearly as well done as earlier.  It’s much more OTN and also not really necessary.  Also, this page seems rather cliché – I’d skip the whole page and have them take off, as we knew they would based on the prior dialogue – you don’t need to handfeed us all this…we understand.

Is “FOREST” really what you’re intending?  I didn’t do any research into this area, but for some reason FOREST gives me the wrong visual picture.

Your lagoon description is good, but I actually would like more…or maybe I’d just like to know what month it is, so I can picture this better, as there’s quite a difference in Summer and Winter in this area.

Page 5 – Again, the dialogue here is unnecessary and OTN.  I’d skip it and give better visuals.

Page 8 – a little too easy to get this treasure, IMO, but I’m liking the mysterious stranger coming in.

Page 10/11 – Nice call outs to Jaws!  Funny.

Good ending, good story, pretty decent writing and dialogue.  One of my faves for sure.

Congrats on entering.

Lagoon

Oh a period piece, nice difference.

Gold? Now, what__ '  i would normally us -- to show an interruption

not sure you needed to have the men repeat shaw's words in the debate

FLASH - a pair of crazed eyes...  wasn't wholly sure what we were meant to see with this. classic OWC clarity that can be fine tuned on a re write

Bush's response to the shark is somewhat unusual

prize for best quote...

We're gonna need a bigger horse.

Well that was a good tale and a event set up.

Like many others this will benefit from some time to tidy up. But i like the essence of a folk lore tale, a setting just after the war, a lagoon, even the feeding of the soldiers to keep her happy, as you do.

having now checked out other comments i agree on the slow start.

'We're gonna need a bigger horse' lol, loved this line.

This was a pretty good little adventure story. There was some good banter, though some was a bit 'on the nose'.

Good visuals and an ending that brought a wry smile to my face.

Overall a cracking effort.