The Venus by JD Long - Short, Thriller - A beautiful woman in a park causes several distractions. 4 pages - pdf, format

So my thoughts and comments...

- Could the man know how many chapters she's read from where he is, maybe better he notice how many pages she appears to be into the book?
- The action sections are too long and a little over written, try putting some of the sentences on their own lines and breaking it up a little.
- MAN and GIRL only need capitalising the first time they are introduced
- Might be easier to name the characters rather than use MAN and GIRL
- I think DAYTIME would be better as DAY etc
- The twist was a little telegraphed but quite effective

Thanks

Anthony