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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Cake Bomb Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 4th, 2014, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cake Bomb by Josh Park - Comedy - A prestigious pastry chef tries to prevent a disaster when a criminal organization forces him to make a cake bomb. 93 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 1st, 2015, 5:09pm
revised draft
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Dressel
Posted: July 4th, 2014, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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I dig this logline.  Is the author around, by chance?


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Leegion
Posted: July 4th, 2014, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Same, Matt.  Logline's got a catchy hook.  Let us know Josh!
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Bogey
Posted: July 4th, 2014, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the log, read the first 5 and didn't laugh. The dialog is on the nose, and I think those first two scenes would be better with more show than speak. I may skip ahead later when I have time, bc the premise grabbed me.
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Josh
Posted: July 4th, 2014, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, wow didn't expect the feedback. Yeah this was actually written in a month, and I lost my entire page of improvements (I don't save enough apparently) so this is basically the vomit draft. It was basically bordering the line between drama and comedy, so I put it here under my discretion.

I definitely feel you Bogey, the amount of exposition I put in the beginning pages is pretty ridiculous. I do some visual cues and things like that later on, but I just feel like sometimes I've spent enough time doing something it ceases to be reasonably entertaining, so I just stuff it into dialogue. It's a problem I have that I'm trying to fix.

Thank you guys for liking that logline, if you have more time to check it out I'd love that, in return I'll read whatever you guys have. I've been waiting for it to be posted for a while, glad it's finally on here.

This is the first screenplay I've sent out to the world, and it's pretty amateur, but at least the premise is a hook. I'm especially disappointed in my ending and a bit of the second act, but you guys can tell me how you feel.

Cheers!


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Leegion
Posted: July 5th, 2014, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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As most people know, Josh, I am a child inside my mind.  So when I read things like "Hurry up, douchebag", I tend to laugh.

Your opening page, for a "vomit draft" is actually rather lean.  So, I have 2 other scripts I'm currently reading, but I will be happy to give this a shot very soon.

Notes and a review, and I will read the whole thing.

-Lee
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Josh
Posted: July 5th, 2014, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Ha, your appreciation of my natural immaturity as a teenager makes me happy. It's like we have a connection through stupidity.

I'm working on a new draft, hopefully it becomes even more lean after that.


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Josh
Posted: April 5th, 2015, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys! There's a new draft up. If anyone would like to do a read-for-read, I'm up for it. Tell me what you think!


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gridlockd
Posted: April 5th, 2015, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Kinda reminds me of 30 Minutes or Less, which was also a premise I liked.


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