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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Commonality Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 14th, 2014, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Commonality by Ondric Donelson - Short, Comedy - A gold digger and a scam artist try to put one over on each other. 12 pages - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: September 15th, 2014, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I don't believe you've done a good job of handling the premise. There is a fair chunk of exposition where he explains his life story to whatshername... not to mention the story sounds real. If he's scamming her, it isn't wise to mention being a professional gambler. He should make himself out to be more of a mark... a lucky lottery winner for example.

Written fairly well. Verbose in parts and some exposition poorly delivered.

Watch out for things like 'sits down', you only need 'sits'.


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FelixHockey
Posted: September 15th, 2014, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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There were two bits where I laughed out loud.

The barman asking if Cedric is stupid and his conversation with the customer.

However, the actual story needs work. Perhaps it would be better if we didn't know Cedric wasn't a big shot until he gets on the bus so we know as much as the main character.
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