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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Night Attack Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 8th, 2015, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Night Attack by Christine Whitlock - Short, Thriller - Remote farm, lone woman. An old farm woman getting ready for bath is attacked. 3 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 8th, 2015, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Christine, took a read, few thoughts, just my opinion of course.

I thought this was written well enough but was too linear, too famiiar and therefore lacked any real appeal... could do with a twist or something to differentiate it.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Lightfoot
Posted: February 8th, 2015, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think she's around Anthony, this is the 4th short script I've seen under her name, she also has two features out, I have yet to see a comment from her...

Compared to your other shorts, this much better with writing and format, but I would have to agree with Anthony, the story is too simple, you have to spice it up a bit.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 9th, 2015, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Shame she's not active - great bunch of writers around here to help...

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: February 9th, 2015, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
       ABBY
Hello, Cindy.
Yes, I'm just getting ready for bed
as soon as I feed Elmer.

The older woman takes cat food out of the fridge and fills
the cat bowl as she talks on the phone.


Abvoe, and throughout the rest of the script you keep using the term older woman. Isn't that Abby????


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Iancou
Posted: February 9th, 2015, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Christine,

What the others stated and...

What is the impetus for the attack? There is no set up other than she was there getting ready for bed (not a bath as stated in the log line) and she is whacked by a mysterious stranger that just appeared for no given reason.

Ian


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 5:39am Report to Moderator
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Christine,

Errors in the logline are not a good start.

As for the script, there's formatting problems with your dialogue. Check what software you are using.

You have a knack for describing the scenes quite vividly but the actual story itself feels really flat and unoriginal. I'd suggest focusing on the story first and then spruce it up with nice visuals.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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